I’ve wondered if I should write a blog today, if I should really share how I’m feeling today? As I’m sitting here pondering this thought I thought, yes, share today, be real. That’s one thing that I’ve felt strongly about, being real. Soooo, here goes today. . . Well, let’s start with last night. Tanner, Rick and I were setting up to play Acquire. We love playing games at the end of each day. Acquire is a game that I grew up playing and was one that we’ve loved playing with my dad. Tanner made a cute comment of “I’m going to do a grandpa move” and he set the tile upside down in a random place on the board. I laughed and said, “I’ll do the same” and I laid down a tile upside down on the board. Then as fast as all of this happened I had the thought, “I wonder how dad is doing.” As soon as that thought crossed my mind, thinking I should reach out to my dad, the thought came just as fast that he’s gone. I can’t ask him. Tears filled my eyes - it hit so fast and was such a weird series of thoughts. I had friends warn me that I would start to get to more normal, as normal as life can get, days. That I wouldn’t think about losing my dad as often and I would be focused on the daily things. I was also told that when those thoughts and memories hit it would hit pretty hard and those feelings last night hit pretty hard. As I went to bed last night I was reflecting on my dad, life and just how things have been going lately. The last couple of weeks have had many highs and lows - some very difficult things - and I feel very tired. I also know that the Lord has blessed me in so many ways, but sometimes it just gets to me, life just gets to me. When I woke up this morning I felt off. I had thoughts of things, an object, a situation that has been hard for me the last 5 - 6 months. This is something that I fasted in behalf of last Sunday, prayed and got a priesthood blessing to clear my life of this. Clear my life of the pain and the space its taken in my head. Gratefully the last 5 days my mind has been so much clearer. I’ve had so little thoughts and felt so much healing from this object in my life. Why in the world did I wake up this morning with thoughts of this? Why was it weighing heavy on my mind? Gratefully I was able to erase it mostly from my mind, but it just was a weird way to start the day. Then off to Tanner’s basketball game. That was fun and great to get out. I was grateful to just be sitting with Rick and have no interactions with anyone else. I’ve not been in the mood to interact with anyone today, well, quite honestly for the last several days. I’ve found myself not looking at texts or messenger nearly as much as I used to. I guess I needed a breather. I just have wanted space. Once we got home I worked and Rick worked on cleaning the house. When we got home we had a long list of things we wanted to get done. We were like let’s get all of this done and then within a couple of hours we were both like we’re tired, we don’t have the energy for all of this. That caused me to feel overwhelmed by life, all of the things that we needed to get done, things that are pressing. Today also brought a blessing of Brayden and Sarah stopping by this morning and Brayden coming and hanging out with us this afternoon. That definitely brought some happiness, laughter and love in our home. There’s lots of good things in our home. My family is amazing and we’ve had laughter and great things today in our home. My home is getting clean and that brings me happiness. Rick is amazing at taking care of me and our family. We’ll be playing games tonight. I’m grateful for my friends. . .soooo, what’s wrong with me??? I’ve chatted with a couple of people today and I’ve felt stupid. I’ve thought to myself, this is why I don’t chat when I’m in these moods. So, I’ve silenced my messenger and text and praying I don’t say anything else stupid. In fact, maybe I should just go to bed and forget the day. None of you have ever had a day like this, have you? Just one of those off internal days and not really sure why. Can’t find a way to snap out of it? Maybe I’m the only one, but I’m guessing I’m not. Just some days the optimism doesn’t win out. . .no matter how hard we try. So, Zach comes downstairs and he’s sitting here with me and says, “Mom, I want to spend time with you.” It’s just him and I at home and here I was thinking I just want my own space, I want to be alone. So, he’s joined me in watching a new Hallmark Movie and during the commercials he and I are laughing at the commercials and having very random conversations. I’m grateful he’s willing to meet me where I’m at today. What a blessing. . .I was writing this blog as Zach came downstairs and I’ve been amazed at how things have started to feel different. Started to feel a little lighter. Zach and I have laughed at the craziest things. It’s not changed the internal heaviness, but it’s getting better, just a little laughter, time with my son who cares and loves me. It’s the little things. So, as I’m finishing up this blog I’ve thought to myself, I still feel fragile, I feel like I can’t take on the world, but I feel happier. I feel like engaging with my son is a safe, happy place and a blessing. I’m grateful for the little things. Laughter brings about a different feeling too. As you face life challenges, tough days, an off day, look for the small blessings, the tiny tender mercies and try to open your heart to those little things. As I shared with a friend of mine that Zach was spending time with me and I was trying to soak it in despite how I was feeling she commented that it was a win that I was trying to engage vs shutting him out for how I’m really feeling. The happiness is contagious and brings hope and hope is what I’m finding tonight. Little by little, still fragile, but always the blessings. And, for all of us there might be other factors that play into days like I’ve had today and for me there’s been many changes to medications this week and medical things. . .I need to be kind to myself and recognize the level of difficulty. Always, take that into account on your rough days too.
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I have all kinds of memories come to mind when I think of tug-of-wars. Elementary School when it would be class vs class or boys vs girls. We would do this activity for recess or for team building activities or on Field Day. For the younger years it was super nice and just trying to get the other group over the line. As we got older it was definitely a “My class is going to beat your class.” Then as I got to teenage years and youth conferences and even into college activities it grew into bigger, more competitive situations. Sometimes pulling the group that lost into a mud pile or water. There were all kinds of tactics that people would try to use like where to place people or who had the back end or the front end, etc. As you think about a tug-o-war what things do you think of? I think of when our group was just too tired and honestly when we were done we would just let up and let go and the other group would fall back, because the resistance was gone. Then there were times that they would say go and one of the groups really wasn’t going to participate and just let the rope pull back fast and hard. With tug-of-wars there’s resistance, there’s a war on who is going to win, muscles used and all of the might of trying to win or if you didn’t care you just let it go. There’s lots of ways to think about this game, or is it a game? In fact, I was just curious and I looked up to see if this a professional activity and it is. So, from childhood to adulthood to all different levels, it’s something we can all relate to. Recently in counseling I wanted to talk with my counselor about differences, what things are important, not important, what do I stand up for and what things do I just let go. When is it worth the battle and when is it not, because honestly battles take a lot of energy and time that so often I don’t want to put my energy into. But then on the other hand, I’ve spent a lot of my life striving to make everyone else happy and not myself and I’ve had a deep sadness and don’t want to feel that either. I’m striving to find a good balance. Now that I’ve come to understand my value and who I am I find myself going to the other extreme of not letting people walk all over me. I speak up, speak out and often find myself getting super angry when I feel that someone is crossing into my space trying to hurt me. This comes from a long history of people crossing into my space and hurting me and me having to stay quiet or there being threats and a deep fear that I wouldn’t be loved or no one would believe me. My counselor is working with me on the extremes - the all or nothing mentality. I’m working on finding more of a middle ground and that’s really good for me, but sometimes with different things I find myself really feeling passionate one way or another. So, think about it, what things, what people, what circumstances do you get into a tug-of-war with people? I know that for me in the years of my leadership positions I would. I would feel strongly that a certain way would work best and I’d push for it to be that way. I know that parenting - holy smokes - parenting feels like the ultimate tug-of-war. My boys are getting older, 3 are adults, different stages of adulthood and wow, there can definitely be differing opinions. I want so badly to shield them from the things I did and the things I learned from my mistakes, but they know better and quite honestly, they need to learn from their own experiences, just like I did. Are there times that there’s a tug-of-war with a spouse or siblings or even neighbors? So, in counseling as we were talking about specific situations and at times I felt passionate about some of the situations my counselor would look at me and say set down the rope. Let go of the rope and don’t have a tug-of-war. I would look at him and be like, um, really, but and I had a list of reasons that I didn’t feel I should give up that war. I want my boundaries respected. I want to be safe. I want to know that I can trust those that I’m letting go of the rope with - that they will want good things for me. I had reasons why I was sure in certain circumstances that people were doing things to hurt me. That if I let go of the rope I’d get hurt - I would be laughed at and I would lose. And my counselor would say alright??? I would lose. Is that so bad? And what am I losing? I’m losing the anger? I’m losing the fight? I get to put my energy into positive things. I shared my opinion or thoughts and they didn’t listen and now they get to learn the hard way - is that bad? Did I survive learning for myself? And, just what if, the interaction was good intentioned and good will and because they did love me and were trying to help me? AND, what if their idea is a great idea and will work out just as great or maybe better than my idea? Over the last couple of years I’ve been learning this lesson and wow, it has been so freeing to let go. To let others experience life and me not try to shield or take it all on. I don’t have all of the right answers. I don’t have a responsibility to save everyone. I don’t need to mind read. I don’t know how people feel about me. Quite honestly, the greater struggle has been how I feel about myself. So, this last week my specific assignment from counseling has been to set the rope down. Let go of the rope. Not in a mean way, but in a way of recognizing things that are better to just set the rope down and move on. Relationships before being right or wrong. There have been several times over this last week that I’ve had to challenge myself. I’ve also had to look at what’s super important to me, defines me and what I’m not willing to back down on and what things I can let go. I have to say that with this assignment I’ve found that this happens so often in our day to day lives in so many different ways. I’ve found such a greater internal happiness and peace. I’ve found that I have a lot of lessons to learn, but that I’m so excited about this lesson. I’m so excited to have these words play through my mind each day and something to ask myself as I face so many different circumstances. It’s been such a blessing. So, take the time and think about it, when is it worth the tug-of-war and when is it best to set the rope down, not yank on it, not to hurt anyone, not to give that last little nudge, but to set the rope down peacefully and let go and honestly let God. It’s a very healing thing. What does a timeout mean to you?
- Not only teenagers, but parents might be the same way - bedroom or a drive - Going on a vacation - getting away from the regular day to day life - Taking a break from someone for an amount of time - Regrouping - evaluating how things are going and sometimes even a restart There can be lots of ways we look at a timeout. I want to backtrack a little bit, take a timeout and explain more about why I blog, why I share. As I was preparing to come home from my full time mission, 4 weeks early, I received a priesthood blessing from the ward mission leader, a dear friend. In the priesthood blessing I was told that there would come a day that I would share my life journey, that I would bless others lives with the experiences I had in my life. I wrote thoughts and feelings from that blessing and tucked them away. This was in February 1995. Over the years I’ve woken up through the night, had thoughts and feelings come to mind to share, gone to the temple or received priesthood blessings and the thoughts of that blessing have come to mind. I’ve denied these feelings and clarity for many years. Over the last 20 years I’ve volunteered in the schools and been super involved in my boys’ lives. I didn’t have time to think about my past, think about my experiences, share them and quite honestly I didn’t want to share them. There was so much I hadn’t even shared with my husband. People would ask how Rick and I had such an amazing relationship and boys that served and supported everything we did hours and hours throughout the week. Everyone wanted to know how I had this perfect life. Inside, it wasn’t perfect at all. I was scared. I had great fear. I had zero confidence in myself. There was no way I could be loved or have close friendships. My boys didn’t always want to help, but with my yelling and expectations and telling them what they would do they did it with a smile. That’s what I wanted everyone to see - perfection, having it all together. That’s when I felt I was finally almost enough. Two years ago December 2019 I started counseling after having pretty much a nervous breakdown. My body, emotions, ME couldn’t hold it together anymore. I was falling apart. I couldn’t carry the weight of all of the trauma by myself anymore. I was willing to be open about starting counseling, but that was about it. As covid hit and as I was going through counseling I was asked to share a video with our Relief Society about mental health. It was a way to connect with the sister’s through covid. I was super nervous and at first was going to be surface, but as I did the video I felt to share more about the real me. I felt it would be good to connect. There were little things like this experience that started to open up my eyes to sharing and helping others and seeing this priesthood blessing from February 1995 come together. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to share. I’d been private my whole life. I had so much I kept just to myself. What would people think of me? Would people think badly of me? Would I be blamed for what happened to me? I didn’t want to frame anyone or ruin anyone’s lives by sharing my journey. Yes, my abusers did awful things, caused me harm, but I wanted to move forward with my life. I wanted to focus on myself and my healing and healing with my boys and my husband and having real, sincere relationships. This was a very prayerful process. I actually shared a little bit, or pieces of my counseling with different friends or in smaller situations and the conversations I would have would fill me and I would connect with people in a different way. In a deeper way. I loved the questions I would get and how people would open up to me. It wasn’t focused on the abuse, but so many different topics about self esteem, loving ourselves, building relationships, boundaries, finding confidence and the list went on. It was a downer, but positive and growth. I finally took the leap, I finally posted and shared my blog. I finally let myself be vulnerable. I decided to be open and honest. I’m no expert. I don’t have anything perfected. I still have super bad days. I shed many tears. I still have to call on those close to me to help me get through tough days. I make mistakes - oh trust me, do I make mistakes. I find myself going back to how I was treated or the patterns that I developed for so many years and I end up not treating people well at times. I hurt people - not intentionally. I’ve been rewiring my brain. I’m like a child that’s learning to roll over, sit up, grab for the toys, take my first steps and so on - I’m discovering things and it’s exciting! I love it!!! And because I love it and love who I’ve become after 2 years of counseling I’m so excited to share my journey, things I’ve learned, things that happen in my days, things with my boys and Rick and those I love and things I’m learning as I heal and mend relationships and some relationships haven’t been good, toxic, narcissistic that aren’t meant to be healed, but how to move on, let go and heal. That can be super hard and super painful. If there’s something that I pray and hope for the most in this journey and sharing is to bless others lives. To give a glimpse of hope. To hopefully share something that helps others take one baby step forward. To recognize that they deserve more. That they don’t have to carry pain all by themselves. That there can be a greater happiness, peace and love in their lives, even in times of greatest trials. This last week I had the opportunity to help someone that I don’t know very well. I’m not giving advice on marriage, divorce or making anyone’s decisions - I’m not capable or qualified to do that. We each have our own journey - our own experiences - our own life story. I was willing to share the things I’ve learned, tools I’ve gained from counseling that are now in my toolbox. I was grateful that she felt comfortable to visit with me. That she didn’t have to feel alone in her journey. So, today, I wanted to take a timeout and share why I’ve chosen to blog. Why I’m now choosing to do videos. This isn’t easy for me, it’s something I’ve put off for years, but I will say that I’ve found a great love in sharing, in doing these things in hopes of helping someone - even if I help one person. I do this out of great love for myself, for my Heavenly Father and Savior and love for others. Over the last few weeks I’ve had some pretty amazing experiences. I’ve found peace, answers to prayers, a confidence to move forward with dreams, a feeling of love that I’ve not understood before in my life. . .in fact a couple of weeks ago I said to Rick that maybe I was getting to a place in life after 2 years of every week counseling that I could probably go to every other week or start to look at scaling back. I was winning! I was feeling a confidence that was undeniable - my dreams and promptings were finally going to be acted on!!! AND THEN. . .this week happened. What happened??? I can’t even explain what all happened. Started with an awful nightmare and I was thinking dang, I need to work through this person or that situation, but no, what it really was is that I needed to be there for myself - I needed to look within. I’ve got my support group - people who love me, I’ve got my people, now do I have myself, my own back? And then hitting a breaking point with one of my son’s. My patience had worn very thin and we were not working well with each other. We were both snappy and what I had been so excited about in our healing and our progress and our relationship becoming so strong felt like it was falling apart, it was going backwards faster than he and I could take steps forward to building. We finally had to have a hard talk. It wasn’t easy - for either of us, but gratefully the love for each other proved to be stronger than the challenges and progress forward is what’s happening now, but it added to the hard week. I’ve had this goal of being healthy by 50 - um, that’s in 8 months, ya, seems like I make several steps forward, lots more progress over the last couple of years than ever before, but lately, the health hasn’t seemed to be the winning point of my life. Exhaustion, freezing cold, retaining fluids to an extreme level, because of the fluids and swelling in my body I’m in constant pain with my muscles and the list goes on. Just felt discouraging. I’m so grateful for an amazing doctor who knows me, knows my family and he’s there for us - I know he has a love for our family and wants the very best for us. He’s always been right on track with helping our family. I had an appointment this week with him and he listened and is helping me find answers. Lots of blood work this week and then a test on my heart this coming week at the hospital and hopefully this will help us find answers so that I can continue to move forward, continue to fight for my goal of healthy by 50. I’ve been so excited for my plans, for the book I’m writing, for the opportunity to share what I’ve learned with others. With my confidence and support of a fantastic friend who is going to do the videos with me, I was like we’ve got this. The vision is all coming together. There’s been an excitement that I’ve not ever felt. The new year, here we go. . .oops, nope, not really, let me beat you down, take away your confidence, remind you of how awful you are and you’re not any better than anyone else, in fact, you’ve got nothing to help others, so if you share anything you’re going to look stupid, you’ll have the skeptics, the ones who will criticize you, in fact, the critiques could be those that you hoped for the support from the most. Ya, I woke up one morning this week with an amazing amount of darkness over me. It was in my eyes. I honestly couldn’t feel the light, the hope and such deep darkness in my heart. I laid in bed and was like alright, you’re right, I’m a failure, I’m stupid, I don’t have anything to offer, people don’t really love me and honestly if you put yourself out there you’ll lose more people, I don’t want to lose anyone else, I’ve already lost so many - YOU’RE RIGHT!!!! I’M WORTHLESS!!!! NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WON’T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!!!! I couldn’t talk to Rick, I couldn’t communicate with my boys or with Lindsey or those who say they love me - I had a list of people who I was sure couldn’t support me anymore - it was all of the greats in my life. All of those that have been there for me unconditionally, the ones that I’ve known without any doubt Heavenly Father sent into my life. And then I thought to myself, why would these people support me and help me leave and stay away from those that put me down, that don’t build me up, those that proclaim their distaste in me. The ones who say, I don’t hate you, but stay away!!! You’ve messed up and maybe someday I’ll forgive you and maybe someday we can be friends again - when I decide I’ll let you know. Why would these great people, who are there for me every single day, every minute of the day, talk me into not being in these types of people’s lives? Why wouldn’t they want me to work harder to prove myself so I can have these loving, loyal, great friends in my life? I finally got out of bed, I finally got myself ready that morning. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t say anything. I was scared to share. I was terrified like a child. I couldn’t trust anyone. After hours of struggling on my own I said to Rick, “I need a priesthood blessing.” It’s all I could say. I couldn’t find the words to explain what was going on. I honestly couldn’t even explain why I needed a blessing, but I was just hoping with all of my heart that a blessing could cast out this darkness. I wanted to tell myself these things were lies, but were they. These were things I’d believed about myself for so many years. I’ve never wanted to lose people in my life. I’d beg, I do anything to keep people in my life. Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it - PLEASE DON’T GO!!!! Please don’t go my friend, my dad, myself. . .anyone, everyone. I’ll be anything. Please forgive me. I know I’ve messed up. I know I’m a mistake. I promise I’ll do better, I’ll be better, just love me! This last year that’s not been enough in so many ways, in so many circumstances. My dad, friends and the list goes on. Even at points I felt Heavenly Father and the Savior. In fact, that’s what the week started with. . .the nightmare and even myself! I wasn’t there for myself. I’ve abandoned myself over and over. The priesthood blessing was AMAZING!!!! In fact, when I opened my eyes I saw light. I felt light. The words, oh my gosh, I knew every one of those words came from my Heavenly Father. I knew there were things that my dad wanted me to know - I’m loved. Cast those words of doubt out. My husband, oh my gosh, his love is seriously the best! I can’t even put into words his love for me and I feel it, I know it, I’m not scared, he’s here, he’s not going anywhere. He represents so much of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. He lives so close to the spirit that he’s ready at any moment to give me a priesthood blessing. The peace and hope from the blessings was so strong. Cast you out Satan!!! I’m not going to let you beat me. I have great things to share. And those who don’t like it, well, hopefully they can find what they are looking for from others, but I know, from a priesthood blessing 26 years ago and over the years that I went through these life experiences for a reason and its to share, help others, I’ve ALWAYS loved helping others. I’ve gained sooooo much and grown and been blessed it’s time, it’s time to bless others. Well, that wasn’t the end of my challenging week. A big blow up. I lost my temper. I was super hurt! I struggle with being told or my family being told they are not being responsible. I struggle being told how something needs to be done by others when it wasn’t their responsibility and we had a plan. I’m no longer motivated by guilt or shame, in fact it triggers me to another extreme. I’m working on my extremes - definitely something I’m still working on. Loss of my dad isn’t the only loss I’ve felt this year. There’s so many dynamics to loss and everyone has to work through things in their own individual ways. The things that happened with this situation triggered immense feelings of the other losses I had felt through my dad passing. I’m tired of being the bad guy. I’m tired of being called out in front of others when it’s not others business. Humiliation is the word that comes to mind. I’m tired of being humiliated and feeling less than. I’m an equal in this situation, in many of these types of situations that come up. I can’t go into specific details on this situation, but what I can say is this was such a painful situation for me that I had to withdraw. I couldn’t stop sobbing. Sobbing like a child. There wasn’t anything that could stop the tears. Normally in these types of situations I would run, I would take off by myself and thoughts, sometimes my thoughts would get the better of me. These are very deep rooted, some of the deepest hardest words that play over and over in my mind. It’s some of the places that I wish the most I could be accepted, that I could be enough, but when I snap out of all of this I’m able to recognize the healing, the greater love I have in my life, BUT, when I snap, its excruciating and its a super battle to come out of it. This time I didn’t run! WINNING!!! I let Rick comfort me. WINNING!!! Rick asked if I wanted to go see Christmas Lights and that seemed magical to me - super magical - like for a child, the child that I was feeling at that time. WINNING!!! We gathered up blankets, tissues, my coat and just Rick and I went for a drive. I decided I didn’t need my phone, I didn’t want any connection or anything else that would cause tears or cause me to spew. I put my phone on airplane mode for 2 hours. WINNING!!!! Rick and I danced, laughed, talked and enjoyed the snow coming down as we were watching this light show that was like 2 hours long. It was super amazing!!! WINNING!!!! Then I turned my phone back on, well, there were messages, things that brought tears again, but I was calmed down, able to process. WINNING!!!! I made decisions and set boundaries. I recognized my support group. I recognized love - the love that I’ve longed for. I felt SAFE! Safe with myself and safe with those who love me. I accepted hugs from my boys - that’s HUGE!!! WINNING!!! Lots of emotions ringing in the New Year without my dad, a week that had worn me out, but last night I pushed through my grumpiness and tiredness and my friend and I made our start. We started the progress to achieving our goals. Not without me saying no and not now and maybe tomorrow, but that’s not what it needed to be and dang, it was soooo much fun!!! Got me so excited! This morning, we now have church at 9 a.m. and last year our church was at 12 and honestly, we barely made it to church on time with it at 12. Sunday’s were our awesome day to sleep in and just relax from life. I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning and thought nope, not yet. Finally around 7:45 I thought I’ll get up and start to get ready. That lasted about 20 minutes and then I was back in bed. I thought what would it hurt to stay home, not really get ready and watch Sacrament on Zoom. I’ve had such a long, hard week. One time won’t hurt. I deserve a down day. I honestly don’t know if I can be around people today. I’ve got nothing to give. I had all kinds of thoughts, but finally at 8:40 a.m. I got up and hurried and got ready. I got out of bed! WINNING!!! We got to church about 9:05 and missed the opening hymn and got there for the opening prayer. I turned off my phone and told myself, I’m here and I’m going to focus on the Savior. I need everything I can get today to help me with this week. I need to feed my spirit. I had told myself everytime I thought about other things I would go to the Savior - so I did. The testimonies that were shared today, legit, I felt the spirit and the words soooo deeply. I was like yes, I’m not alone, yes, I needed that reminder, yes, I’m writing that down. The spirit in Sacrament Meeting was so strong. Then I was walking down the hallway and trying to decide which Sunday School class to go to - there’s 2 different teachers / classrooms. I looked down the hallway and saw Suzette Haub - she is a bright light to me. An example of strength and testimony and enduring and I gain so much from her. There she was getting ready to teach in the Relief Society room. I walked in and she walked right up to me and said, “Is it a great day?” and she gave me a hug! I looked at her and said, “Yes it is, because I’m seeing you and you’re teaching.” I meant those words soooo sincerely. Rick and I sat down and I took in her lesson. Oh my gosh, Come Follow Me. If I would have studied this week I would have known this, but I didn’t. I just didn’t. Moses, going to the mountain, feeling the spirit, direction and then there’s Satan and Moses having to fight him off and then the spirit - that’s how I’ve felt all week. And why do we have these experiences? Why do we go through these things? What can we do to hold onto the strength? The spirit? Keep moving forward with the things we know we can do - that our Heavenly Father has faith in us to do - the greater good. I even commented - I’m not always good at that, but I felt the spirit so strongly. Become like a child - turn to our Heavenly Father and Savior - He loves us - He is LIGHT! He is HOPE! He is LOVE! So, my lesson today is sometimes the BEST THING WE CAN DO IS GET OUT OF BED! Just take one step at a time. One minute at a time. There is love. There is winning for each and everyone of us. We can do this! We’re in this together! New Year’s Resolutions? What goals are you going to set? What does the new year hold for you? Out with the old, in with the new? What are you leaving behind? Restart? New Start? Goals? The list goes on of what the New Year means to each of us, but for most it means some kind of fresh start, a new look at life. About 20 years ago I got involved with volunteering in the schools and was deeply involved. I would average about 40 hours a week between the different schools, programs, classrooms, etc. Around that time in my life I found that ringing in the new year looked very different to me. Due to school getting out in May, having the summer break and starting school in August that was really my reset. That was where we as a family would reset, review our habits and what things did we want to do better. We’d also review our schedules and what things we might want to let go and things we were adding to our schedules. With starting school we’d evaluate meals and what things we would eat. We’d all get priesthood blessings to help us with what direction the Lord wanted us to each personally take. We still do so many of these things in August, but where the boys are all at different stages, only one left in school and volunteering looks different so August isn’t the same restart, new year feel. Due to the pattern of my life over the last 20 years New Years Eve, New Year’s hasn’t felt too big. It hasn’t felt like it was something I was really evaluating and looking at deeply for myself personally or for my family. Now, it was definitely a deep breath and review for all of the things I volunteered for on how to make things the best in the schools for the next 5 months, but not personally. I remember distinctly 5 years ago today feeling so differently about the new year. In October I had sent Michael off on his full time mission to Washington. This was before the weekly calls with missionaries. This was when it was 30 minute calls 4 times over the two years. We had talked to him on Christmas and that was lots of fun, but honestly I felt that mom worry about him. I could tell things weren’t great with him and his companion and he was super nervous. The last Sunday of the year I was at church and I was visiting with a very good friend after Sacrament Meeting and she made the comment, “This next year will be the hardest, because it’s the one year you don’t see your missionary at all.” With this in mind and the “mom worry” factor I was at my parent’s home on New Year’s Eve and for the first time I just felt down. I didn’t want to ring in the new year at all. I didn’t want to go into the year where I wouldn’t see my son at all. I was wondering how he was doing, was he sitting in his apartment on New Year’s Eve, how was he feeling about going into the new year, was he missing our family traditions, etc. As I write this I kindof chuckle thinking, wow, I sure was mind reading, something I’ve learned and come to understand so much better from counseling. I remember distinctly I was sitting at my parents kitchen table, amongst all of my family having a great time, it was around 9:00 - 9:30 p.m. and I had said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to let me know that my son was alright, that he was happy and being taken care of. I had told Heavenly Father I didn’t need a lot, just something to help me ring in the new year. I was sitting next to my mom and my dad was standing by the fireplace and I was looking at my phone. I really didn’t know what my phone was going to do for me, but I just needed something. . .AND THEN a picture popped in my messenger of Michael. Not only a picture, but video and a message from a member in his ward letting me know that he and his companion were over having pizza, having a nerf war and doing great! OH MY GOSH!!! It was such a direct answer to my prayer. It was all I needed. I was so happy. I had so much peace. I knew Michael was being taken care of. That was the start of a friendship that has turned into more of an eternal family relationship. I’m super grateful to be their son’s grandma and for the boys to be his uncle and for all of the love that is shared between all of us. So, now this year - 2021??? I’ve seen soooo many jokes and memes and all kinds of things about how do we look at 2021. Wow! Not only has the world been through alot, but our country, each of us individually and it seems to have been a year that has brought much for all of us. And then there’s this looking to 2022. . .what is in store? How much longer will Covid last? Where is our country heading? What’s in store for each one of us? What are the challenges or things that we can hold onto with hope and look forward to? For me, well, I have to say 2021 has been HARD!!!! I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. What has made it so that more of us are feeling the HARD vs the great variety of feelings? As I reflect on this last year I started the year out healing from shoulder surgery. I had surgery on December 28th, my oxygen dropped and I ended up back in the hospital and the very long recovery. I went through physical therapy for my shoulder, hips and lower back. Spent a good majority of the year in physical therapy. Despite the physical therapy I faced a loss of motion with my shoulder that doesn’t allow me to do certain things by myself anymore. I’ve become more dependent. Rick and I faced some pretty hard decisions and really wondered if we’d make it married - divorce was definitely included in our conversations for awhile. We’ve worked super hard to remove that option. Went through three back procedures. Went through a handful of tests to figure out bleeding, bleeding that couldn’t be explained and shouldn’t be happening and the pain was excruciating. Not only did I face medical challenges, but Rick went through knee surgery and his own medical things. We add in Tanner and his many injuries from shoulder to ankles and the list goes on. I spent the year in counseling and most of my family in counseling - super hard, challenging, exhausting, but some great wins. Then we add to the list Brayden’s service mission. Yes, a great blessing, but some extreme challenges. Challenges that took great faith to get through. Brayden was released from his service mission the end of March. Then the transition to work, he and Sarah and their relationship and then their wedding in November. Of course, we love Sarah and are so happy she’s a part of our family, but weddings bring a whole different adventure and challenge and it’s something that can bring about many different difficulties. Zachary graduated from high school and that brings life changes. Friends going off to college, Zach sorting through what he wants to do and finding his individuality and his future and plans. Love it, love that he’s progressing and sorting through what he wants to do, but another big change in life for all of us. On July 1st Rick lost his job of 8 years. It was very unexpected and a huge surprise. We felt peaceful, but now it was time to look for another job. What was next? It’s a big stress for a family, for a marriage, for life. We were blessed with Rick finding a new job by the end of July and starting a few weeks later, that brought much relief. What we didn’t know was what was in store next. . .the worst thing that could happen in my life. My dad, mom and sister got covid the end of July. My dad ended up in the hospital, then back home and we thought of course he would get better, but nope, that wasn’t in the plans. He died!!!! My dad died! I can’t even put into words how painful this was for me, for my boys, for Rick, for all of us. I felt like a mudslide had come over me and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to go on. I was numb. In pain. Angry. Doubting what I felt and believed. How could this happen? This wasn’t on the calendar. This wasn’t a part of the plan. Hadn’t 2021 been hard enough? Hadn’t the trials been heaped upon us heavy enough? How in the hell could I lose my dad? My dad lost consciousness on Saturday, August 14th and Rick was to start his new job on the 16th and Tanner was to start school on the 17th. Then we lived the worst hell that week, hoping and praying and fasting and priesthood blessings and trying everything possible the doctors and anyone suggested to try with my dad to save him, but no, it wasn’t meant to be. He died on August 22nd. Then a funeral, my parent’s 50th a couple of weeks later that my dad had been so excited about and now wasn’t alive for and planning a wedding. All of this while Rick was starting a new job. It was too much! Between a tough situation at work, emotionally driven boss with a temper and shame based words on a frequent basis it was too much. In December we were unemployed again. Not only did I face the loss of my dad, but there were other losses. First, was my mind. I did, I lost my mind. I also had an abundance of abandonment tenderness flooding me and I was scared to death of more losses. I keep thinking, should I delete some of this, should I end this blog while it was happy and all good, I don’t want this to feel like a downer post, should I be this real, but you know what, this is real life. This is what my life has looked like this year. The challenges and hardships and heartbreak have been almost enough to break me, in fact, I would dare say, in a way they have broke me. I’m broken. I’m broken and you know what, I’m beautiful. I’ve faced a very hard Gethsemane this year. I’ve shed tears, so many tears that honestly I didn’t know if I would stop crying. I’ve wondered if I could possibly survive another minute. I’ve literally had to get to the point at times that I did live from minute to minute. I thought about the next breath I would be taking. I would have to think to myself, live just right in this moment with those that are right in front of you. Who’s right here? Alright, can you trust them, do they love you? And sometimes I couldn’t even think about those questions, I just lived, took the next breath and knew that the Lord would surround me with love, with those who really loved me and even if he didn’t I was alright, I would be alright, I somehow could be strong. Through these very difficult things this year, there’s something that’s happened that’s much greater than any of these challenges. I’ve come to understand, love and have confidence in MYSELF! I know me and love me! My heart has been unlocked. In fact, it’s out of its cage and its feeling love deeper than it’s ever felt before - I’m feeling love deeper and greater than ever before. With that love I’ve come to understand and feel and have the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior become much more a part of my life, in the very small details of the details of the details of my life. I’ve come to understand trust - real, sincere and a faith promoting trust. I’ve felt a greater discernment of people who are good for me in my life. I understand boundaries, healthy, happy, safe, good boundaries. Those who are in my life and have chosen to be in my life - the value of real friendships and family, not just by blood. I’ve come to understand and value and appreciate different levels of friendships, space and what’s best and healthy. Not only all of these things, but I’ve been able to share my journey. I’ve been able to share my story. The Lord has prompted me for over 25 years to do certain things and this year and even more recently in December I’ve been given opportunities that were promised to me years ago that when I was ready the opportunities would come and they are coming. Many opportunities are coming and I’m living life with excitement. A new light. A new love. This doesn’t mean bad days, bad moments, bad experiences, trials and challenges don’t come, in fact, this week has been one for the books! You know why, because Satan doesn’t want all of these great things for me. I have setbacks, I fall down to my knees, I sob, I get scared, but I’ve got the tools, I’ve got the strength, the belief in myself, a greater testimony that gives me power to move forward, to do the good that I know is in me, to bless others lives and to open other opportunities that will lead me to others that I can bless and will bless my life. Satan has held me back long enough, he’s held me captive to the abuse and the awful abusive belief’s that have caused me pain, so much pain. It’s time to use that abuse, the experiences, the strength I’ve had to move forward and build on it! Bless others’ lives! So, I’m moving forward. I’m excited for 2022 and I’m super grateful for 2021. I’m excited to build on all that has happened and use those experiences to grow and progress in this life, to become better and love me! Love with all of my heart! In a way I’m sad to leave behind 2021, the last time I saw my dad alive, but I have his memories, his pictures, videos and his life example that will always live on in me. Here’s to 2022. . .and whatever is to come, with the Lord’s help, I can do it! |
Cheri HardmanA wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity Archives
April 2022
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