​On August 22, 2021 my dad passed away.  On July 18th we were over for dinner, played games and we visited and that was the last time - the last time I hugged my dad and heard his voice say, “I love you sweetheart.”  He lost consciousness before I was able to go to the hospital and see him so July 18th was the last time he and I talked in person.  

Throughout the funeral and afterwards I was blessed with cards, words of kindness, hugs from family and friends, special gifts like pictures of Christ, sayings of remembrance of my dad,  beautiful plants and other sweet things.  I’m super awful at keeping plants alive, but gratefully many have stayed alive and I enjoy them everyday.  I wanted a memory wall and corner of my dad, so I printed pictures and have a wall that has pictures of each of us with my dad and my dad’s picture framed in a white frame with Christ pictures around him.  The corner has a plant, statue, sayings, train and is a very treasured corner.  I have a cherished tree ornament that won’t be put away with Christmas, it will stay out all year.  

I’ve had people ask me if it’s hard to have so many reminders of my dad around me and yes, yes, it is.  I super wish he wasn’t gone, but he is and whether I had the reminders or not I would think of him and seeing his smile, cherished memories, feeling of his love and reminders of who he is are a huge blessing for me.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.  Some days I look at these reminders and smile and talk to my dad and other days I look at them and cry and either way, it’s alright.  It’s good.  

​About a month after my dad passed away a couple of my friends and I went to lunch.  I had needed some time from everything and really everyone after my dad passed away so it took some time for me to go out to lunch and get with friends.  One of my friends had a gift for me.  My dad’s funeral had been on my birthday and we usually go out for lunch for our birthday’s so I wasn’t sure if it was for my birthday or because of my dad passing away.  

I opened the gift and it was something I’ve never received before, but honestly it’s something I’ve always found magical.  The gift was wind chimes.  I loved the gift!!!  I loved the gift before she said anything.  And then she said, “I got you this gift so that anytime you hear them you can think of your dad.”  I had never thought about that, something like this.  When I got home my husband hung them out on our porch.

From inside my home I can hear them whenever they chime.  Sometimes they are more loud and the wind is strong blowing them around and other times there’s really no wind, but when in my heart I say a little prayer saying dad I need to hear from you, I need a reminder, the chimes do a small quiet chime and brings me great peace and I say thank you dad.  I know that was from you.

​At times I wonder if I can breathe at the pain of missing my dad, thinking there’s no way he can be gone.  But he is.  Except for in the little reminders I have all around me and when I think I can’t breathe because I miss him so much I know there will be wind in the chimes to remind me he’s all around me.  He’s in the wind, in the sounds, in the details of my life.  Maybe even more than he could be when he was alive.  I’m so grateful for the gifts in my life, for the reminders, and hope that I can be the wind in others lives to give them hope, peace and help them know they are not alone. 

​I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure where to start with this.  All I know is this is a thought I’ve had all week and have felt I needed to take time to write about this.  Let’s be honest, we all have addictions.  Maybe I’m wrong, but if we look deep within we more than likely have something that maybe we’re not even really willing to address.

I would dare say the number 1 addiction I hear people talk about or even joke about is caffeine.  I know I can get hooked on things easily so I’ve avoided caffeine my whole life.  Until a few years ago I could say I had NEVER had caffeine.  The one time I had it was a complete accident - you know a crystal light mix in.  My boys wanted me to try this strawberry one.  They mixed it in water and I drank it and it tasted good.  I drank it early afternoon and about 2 a.m. I was shaking and told my husband I couldn’t sleep to save my life.  I was super wired.  That’s when Rick said it’s like you’ve had caffeine and he went and checked the mix ins.  Um, the energy crystal lite has more caffeine than Red Bull.  I was soooo sick, worst headache ever the next day.  Honestly I was like no way ever will I drink caffeine again and I check everything.  I’m much more cautious.  I don’t want to experience that again.

For some reason I’ve always like being able to say I’ve never done this or that and another one for me is I’ve never watched a rated R movie.  For one, I don’t like anything scary, bloody, stressful, someone dying, mean comedy - ya, I’m super picky and second, I figure it’s best to stay away from things that I could get stuck into.

​One time I was taking a lot of medication for pain and my doctor suggested that maybe my body was becoming addicted to the medication and signaling headaches and pain so I would take more.  It hadn’t been a long time on the medication and my doctor suggested slowly going off of the medication, but at the word of addiction I was like I’m done.  I wasn’t willing to be in that category so I immediately went off of the medication.  Yes, there were side effects for a couple of weeks and it was difficult, but I wasn’t willing to dwell in the addiction category.  

Not all addictions are serious.  In fact, quite often that word is used for an addiction to a show, or being healthy or working out or certain foods or chocolate, a certain restaurant, a certain hobby.  The list can go on and on about addictions - good and bad.

When I’ve visited with friends or people who are addicted to alcohol or smoking or drugs or pornography or things that might be more on the harmful side I’ve always felt I’ve had a connection, a deeper understanding to them.  It’s like I could really feel the difficulty and the pain and the bouncing back and forth of breaking the habit and then going back to it.  As I’d think about my life I’d think to myself how do I have such a deep connection to this feeling when I’ve not ever done any of these things, but I did.

​Over the last couple of years as I’ve gone through counseling and been cleaning out the boxes, cobwebs and messes in my dark storage room that has been under many locks with no keys available there’s been a lot of light shining on things.  I’ve been able to work through and beat many things, but dang, there’s somethings that are just a BEAST!!!!  Honestly, I’ve plowed through over the couple of years and had very few times where I’ve felt I was going to give up - I’ve been super determined to beat the demons from my past, but the last few weeks my addictions, my obsessions and deep seeded pain has caused me to want to really give up.  I’ve been super discouraged and my weaknesses, addictions are kicking my trash!!!!

When I’m in my right mind I’m doing pretty good.  I’m like this makes sense.  I’m strong.  I’m healing.  I don’t need these things in my life.  BUT, all it takes is small tiny triggers and I’m longing for my addictions.  I’m super hyper focused on things that are not good for me.  I call myself destructo and boy, when I go into destructo mode it’s a terrible situation.  I could easily make decisions that could cause damage, that could hurt me and hurt others.  And when I’m in that mode there’s not a lot that anyone can do to bring me down, to bring me back to the logical and the reasonable side of things.  It’s like a darkness comes over me.  There’s no hope.  I mine as well give up.  There’s no hope for me.  I hear the words of so many of my abusers.  I’m not worth anything and there’s no way anyone would want me in their life.

So, all of these years I’ve thought I avoided addictions, but on the other hand, always felt a connection to those that have very hard addictions and been able to relate to the falling back into the addictions, but thought, I don’t really have any strong addictions. . .so, what are my addictions???

My addictions, my weaknesses, the things that beat me down are:
Telling myself I’m not worth anything

1. I’m not loveable
2. I’m not enough
3. I’m too much for people
4. I’ll scare everyone away
5. I like being treated poorly
6. I like rejection - I’m drawn to it
7. I will never break out of beliefs of my abuse
8. Abandonment is a part of my life
9. I don’t want to be treated nicely

These addictions might not seem like anything compared to drugs, pornography, alcohol, smoking or other addictions, but trust me, they are super real.  You might wonder how I could call these addictions - just stop saying and believing these things about myself.  Just stop!  That’s what I thought.  That’s what I totally thought, but as I’ve battled to rewire these beliefs it’s a fight.  A super real fight with myself and when there’s triggers, things that happen that cause me to doubt myself they flood in like a mudslide.  And why would that happen?  Well, think about it, it’s something I’ve believed about myself for years, like YEARS, like over 30 years.  I’ve not thought differently.

​And when I feel happy, safe, start building really good relationships it’s super unfamiliar.  What?  How can I dwell in this space?  How can I believe that people love me and want me around and aren’t going to leave?  How do I feel love and feel safe?  Over the last 2 years I’ve learned, I’m aware of what happens, the triggers and gratefully lately many times I’ve been able to switch around my thinking quicker, but it’s a fight.    

And what happens when I get stuck in the rut and start telling and believing these things over and over. . .I find these types of people.  I seek out finding these types of people.  AND, if I can’t find these types of people I take it upon myself to create these things to happen with the nice people in my life.  I create what I believe is going to happen.

This creates sooooo much pain.  The pain is super deep and real and then it causes me to want to lock up my heart and believe that I can’t let people in close.  Once I lock up my heart then I’m not able to have any close relationships.  I have relationships, but more on the surface.  It’s a very hard cycle. 

​Not only are these terms and beliefs deep rooted and have been what I’m comfortable with over the last few weeks I’ve come to understand a greater, deeper addiction.  Something that is super painful and is still hard for me to understand.  I’m very grateful for my husband, small close group of friends and my counselor that are helping me to understand this addiction.  As I look back over this last year this addiction has caused lots of pain for me.  Like consumed me and I’ve not known how to break it.  The last few times this has hit me I’ve recognized it more and I’ve been able to work more away from it quicker, but not without pain.  I long for this.  I long for this type of approval in my life.  I’m not ready to share the specifics about this part of me, but it’s been so helpful to understand the triggers and the addiction and what gets me to this point.  

I’ve come to better understand addictions, the longing, the attachment, the familiarity, the longing for what I’ve known, whether it’s good or bad.  It’s something that I’m willing to fight, to work through and count my blessings for my support group that’s there through the highs and lows and pulling me through the hard times.  These are my core, my people, who have walked with me through my counseling and understand what’s sincerely best for me.

​Over the last 25 years I’ve been to hundreds of doctors offices for myself, Rick and my boys.  We’ve been to a handful of different hospitals and surgical centers.  I’ve filled out more paperwork and questionnaires and family history forms than I could even possibly count.  There’s all of those questions about your health and then the family history health - does your dad or mom have any of these things.  I’ve always been fine to fill all of that information out, though it gets so long and tedious.

Today I went to a new doctors office - a specialist office to help with some internal bleeding I’ve had going on for a very long time.  They said get there 15 minutes early to fill out stuff.  I got through some of the questions and had to have a signature from the receptionist so I took the tablet up and she signed and said you’re really close to being done.  Um, up pops 1 of 99 questions. . .and that’s close???  I’m quickly answering all of these questions.  All of my health history - yikes, that takes forever.  List all of your surgeries and dates - I think I need to create something on my phone that has all of that and then a list of all of my medications, because it takes FOREVER to list all of that out.  Honestly, going through all of this gets me super discouraged and I think will I ever be better.  I’m trying, but sometimes these things make me feel hopeless.  

So, I’m sitting there, answering these questions, feeling super anxious about this appointment, feeling hopeless about myself and just feeling like am I ever going to get better and then up pops a question I’ve NEVER seen in my life.  I went to skim over it quickly and answer it so I didn’t take an hour filling out these 99 questions, but I just had to stop when I read it.

IS YOUR DAD ALIVE?

​WHAT????  Why are they asking this?  I literally had to pause, I went to say yes, but then I had to say no.  Tears filled my eyes as I sat there in the waiting room at this doctor’s office.  This was more painful than all of the pain I was feeling for myself.  I finally brought myself to say NO.  I’m literally crying as I type this - No, no he’s not alive.  Then I have to click to the next screen and they ask what did he die from.  Well, covid, but then there’s the internal bleeding that got worse after his Covid Vaccine and then there’s the crohns disease that he battled for so long.  Um, I’m here for a doctor’s appointment because I have internal bleeding and I had a colonoscopy last year to see if I had crohns.  It was all very painful.  I was super grateful that the next question was is your mom alive and I could say YES!!!!

As I’ve reflected on this question - Is My Dad Alive I’ve had so many different thoughts.

One of the last things that my dad asked Rick to do before he got sick was to list and sell the bobcat that my grandpa and my dad had for years with their business.  Rick’s been working with my grandpa to sell it for several months and yesterday Rick went to my grandpa’s to finalize the sale of it.  Rick sent me a picture of my grandpa helping load things and while I was at work I just started to cry.  I had so many visions of my dad driving that bobcat.  A piece of my dad - gone!!!  I wasn’t anticipating the tears and the sadness, but it just hit.  

​Then the other day I had a friend from childhood, that I’ve not communicated with for over 10 years until this last week, tell me that they thought about reaching out when my dad passed away.  I messaged back and said it was fine that they didn’t, because I was super disconnected.  I had a difficult time connecting with anyone.  I just needed space and time to myself.  Even when I was with people I wasn’t really there.  

It’s taken me a long time to accept that my dad is gone.  He’s gone.  He died.  He was only 71 years old.  I didn’t remotely have it on my radar that I would lose my dad last year.  As I told people, yep, this wasn’t something that was on my calendar and honestly never wanted to write it on my calendar.  I didn’t want a date that I lost my dad.

Today I’ve pondered this question even more deeply.  I’ve cried over this question.  Is my dad alive?  He’s not here to hug.  I can’t hear his voice.  I can’t go over to his house and play Acquire with him.  I can’t call him for advice.  My boys can’t go over and ask him for help on their homework.  My boys can’t go over and sit and watch TV with him.  He can’t be here for priesthood ordinations or priesthood blessings.  Rick and him can’t talk about what’s going to be sold next or what’s the next plan.  The list goes on and on what we can’t do anymore.  I feel it all too often, but. . .

​I’ve felt his guidance.  I’ve heard him through my wind chimes.  I can look at videos and pictures of him and remember things he’s taught me.  He lives such a life of service and he lives on in so many things that he did.  He’s taught all of us about the gospel, we know his testimony, we know he didn’t fear death because of his testimony, we have so many of his writings and memories.  We have his example to live like he did.  He built a home and yard that brings us all together so often.  He and my mom have built traditions that my mom has continued with.  

So, despite the pain and sadness and the things that we can’t have, I feel him and I know he still lives, just in a different way.  His legacy lives on through all of us.  He’s not forgotten us and we’ve not forgotten him.  

As I said in my talk at his funeral it’s not goodbye, it’s just until we see each other again.  And until then I’ll live like my dad did and keep his memories and how he lived to be alive.

​Today has been super duper weird!  I was feeling so good yesterday.  Just happy, positive and that things were good.  I felt that I could take on life’s challenges.  I was seeing the blessings, strength and confidence that I had gained.  I was grateful for the opportunity to help some other friends with things going on in their lives and look at my life and recognize the hard road and where I’m at now.

THEN, yesterday afternoon some things triggered.  I was bothered.  I was irritated.  I was what I call myself destructo!  When these things would happen I’d spiral super fast and couldn’t pull myself out for the rest of the night.  I would do things to push people away and just couldn’t snap myself out of it.  I felt this was my reality.  Gratefully with all of the rewiring that I’ve gone through, gaining tools for life, I recognize when these things hit and I’m able to fight against it more.  I don’t always succeed at beating it, but I can function, live life and recognize that this isn’t my current reality.  

One of the things that I do is shut down.  I’m not willing to share anything.  I’m willing to be mad, angry, beat myself up, tell myself I’m worthless and no one can love me, but I’m not willing to discuss any of the good.  It’s almost like a haze or a darkness comes over me and I can’t push it away.  I can’t turn on the lightswitch and make it all go away.  I shut down, because there’s these inner conversations that I have with myself that create many double binds for myself and the last thing I want to do is share these things with anyone else and have them try to help me sort through these things.  I know it doesn’t make sense, but these double binds are MINE and no one else can help me through them and honestly, any help could really backfire.

​Last night was different. . .I was trying to share how I was feeling.  Some things that were hurting me.  I was typing these things and chatting with a very close friend and instead of writing the right answers or sorting through what I wanted to share I just shared.  I said things and described things differently. . .it was the most honest I’ve been with myself and they were super hard topics, super to the core of me.  Things I thought for sure I’d keep locked up forever.  As I shared these things I found myself sharing that I longed for certain types of relationships because they hurt, I want to be an object, I don’t want to feel, I’m more comfortable with pain.  The list of honest things went on and on. . .and they were super painful and I couldn’t believe I was sharing these things.

Here’s the thing. . .when things like this or awful nightmares happen it’s turned out to be more freeing in the long run.  My consciousness is ready to let go and heal.  It’s super painful, because I’ve kept these things to myself, deep down, for a very long time and I like control. I like to think I can control this release of things and what I share, because I have for years, but not now, not now that I’m healing.  I’ve gone into this process open minded and said this is it, I want to heal and move on with my life, not just do pieces, hit the tip of the iceberg, so this is what I get.

Unfortunately, with that sharing and realizing the words I used and how I really felt I got angry!  Super ANGRY!!!!  I bet I could count on one hand the amount of times that I’ve said to myself, why did I have to go through this, why me, those types of things?  I’ve never even said if I could go back and change things I would.  Though I absolutely dislike what happened to me and the things I’ve gone through I’ve always taken ownership of this is what makes me me and I feel there’s been some really good things that have come from me being me.  I also feel that because of what I’ve been through I’ve been able to help others and I love that so much.  I’ve had so many experiences that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have these life experiences.  I’m not really an angry person and I’ve not really felt anger towards my abusers.

​But last night, the anger poured in.  I hate that I like pain.  I hate that I want to be an object.  I hate that I have to fight with all my might to beat these awful thoughts about myself.  I hate that I’ve paid such a high price for so many years.  I hate that I’ve not understood relationships.  I hate that I’m clingy and pray with all my might that I can be important to others.  I hate the way I’ve been as a mom for so many years.  I literally was so mad!  I hated everyone of my abusers last night.  I’ve had so many people ask me why I’ve not turned them in or done something and honestly I don’t want to ruin their lives like they’ve ruined mine.  I figure it’s their price to pay, their problem to work out, but honestly when this anger hit I thought maybe I’ve not been fair to others that these abusers might have caused others, but then that’s not my problem either.  

To top it off I was going in to a doctors appointment that was causing me great anxiety today and just the realization of all that I fight through physically and I believe strongly that’s due to how much I’ve held in for so many years emotionally.  Plus the wiring in my mind that I couldn’t take care of myself.  I had to keep going.  I had to live perfectly and prove myself constantly and all of the stress and lack of sleep and emotional stuff has caused a lot of this damage.  It angers me terribly!!!  Yes, I’ll take responsibility, but seriously, it’s hard to understand for yourself the good when you’ve been groomed and lived a life of abuse and awful belief’s and so much of that abuse came from people that were trusted in our community circle.  They were good people.  Whatever!!!!  

Then there’s this whole thing that I long for good, healthy relationships, but with some of these relationships I just can’t do it in a healthy space.  I’m not ready to share this part of me, but its awful!!!  Thank heaven that Rick loves me despite my craziness and obsessiveness and fears and clingliness.  

​Through all of this last night I was just mad!  I was mad at my friend who I shared these things with.  I was mad at Rick.  I told both of them to feel lucky they weren’t alone.  BUT, what I was most mad at was ME!!!!  I know better.  I know what I need to do.  I’m now seeing it.  I can see what happens and what I’m doing and sometimes I can’t stop myself.  I know that sounds crazy, but I can’t!  I’m like a child with a hyper focus on things and just can’t change my course, my direction.  

So, legit, it wasn’t like I ran into the wall and changed courses.  It’s like I ran into the wall and then for fun I thought I’d keep hitting my head over and over and over again.  Then I would pound my fists over and over and over again.  Sometimes I’m sure I can break through the brick wall bloodied and all, but I will win with all of my crazy thinking.  NO, no, I won’t.

I’m super blessed with a sure foundation of a few people who haven’t left.  They try to put padding up when I get in these phases so I don’t get to bloodied up.  They try to turn my direction to the stairs and a door that I can walk through, but sometimes I’m just too stubborn.  They stay with me.  They love me.  They don’t leave.  Wow, what an amazing concept!  They don’t leave me.  Something new for me to understand.  I can’t even shove them away.

​I woke up this morning and worked and went to my doctor’s appointment and my very loving husband was there with me through all of it.  Even though I couldn’t eat, I didn’t know what to say, my anxiety was through the roof, I was kind of grumpy. . .he was there.  He loves me!  I’m loved! I don’t have to do this alone.  My counselor doesn’t give up on me and when I tell him the most craziest thoughts and feelings I’ve had he looks at me with sincerity and validates my feelings.  What????  I’m not super crazy.  This doesn’t make sense to me and I’m a sinner, but no, no I’m not.  It all makes sense and I get the tools and assignments to move forward, to learn, to rewire and get stronger.  And because of this small group of people who love me and don’t leave I understand so much better my Heavenly Father and Savior’s love.  They love me even in my most angry, sinful thoughts.  They guide me gently and lovingly to lead me to the right people, right opportunities and little by little I leave the wall, pounding my head against it and I find a greater peace.      

I’m 49 years old and for most of my life I’ve lived my life striving to do good and make a positive difference.  I was on committees, served in young women leadership callings, stake dance committees, served on institute council, worked for my dad and helped with many of his projects, served a full time mission, held church callings after getting home and once Rick and I got married we served in many church callings and as soon as our children were in school the volunteering in the schools started and easily gave 40 hours a week of volunteering in the schools and it grew from there.  I’ve wanted to help others and make a positive difference and strived to do that with whatever opportunities were presented to me.

That all looks great and wonderful, but there was this other side of me.  From a young age I was sexually abused and then throughout my teenage life and up to leaving on my mission.  Even when I returned home from my mission I didn’t make the best choices on who to date - I made better choices, but not the best.  I had these two lives.  I had two completely different lives.  No one knew about this life.  No one had any idea what I was going through.  It was super painful.

Abuse is an awful thing.  At a young age abuse is awful.  As a teenager abuse is awful.  At any time in our lives it’s awful.  Abuse creates feelings in an individual that don’t make sense, that hurt.  There is a lack of confidence.  A lack of belief in yourself.  There becomes a dependence on the abusers.  That you don’t deserve anyone else, but those that treat you poorly.  Feelings are stimulated inside of you that aren’t necessarily ready and hard to make sense of, but you desire more of.  You start to feel you want the bad guys, not the good guys.

So, what do you do when the good guys come around?  Due to the 2 different lives I had the abusers pretty actively in my life, but kept much of this a secret.  Then there were the nice guys.  The guys that saw me doing lots of good things, happy, all put together, with a wonderful family.  They would come around, ask me out, want to date and at the first move of being the nice guy I was dumping, running and doing everything I could to get rid of them.  Often I wasn’t very nice.

My mom was always there for me to visit and talk anytime I needed her.  She was so loving and supportive of me.  She was very observant of my choices and would often ask me why I got rid of the good guys.  Why didn’t I keep the nice guys around?  I didn’t have a good explanation at the time.  I didn’t understand myself.  I wanted to keep the nice guys around, but I just couldn’t do it.  I was super turned off and I remember feeling annoyed, super annoyed, by their kindness.  

As I’ve been going through my healing over the last couple of years I’ve had different friends and people come to mind from my past.  People who were there for me, who were friends, the good people, from my teenage years and college years.  I’ve had mixed feelings.  What do I do?  Do I reach out and apologize?  Do I move forward with my life?  They’ve moved on with their lives and maybe they’ve forgotten about me.  I’ve also wondered if they even remembered things the way I did.  We’ve all walked different journeys and roads even though they might have been walked side by side.

There’s been specific people that have been on my mind and in my heart from my past that I’ve felt someday, when the time was right, I’d be able to reconnect with, give an apology if needed.  I’ve also found myself feeling love and happiness from that time in my life.  Reflecting on the more positive side of my life and not the pain.  I’ve kept things so separate for so long.  So many years of my life that I just didn’t talk about and so much pain - so much that molded me to who I am now, which has been for the good and the bad.  The connections and relationships, emotions, fears, insecurities, lack of confidence in myself and not loving myself which in turn led me to believe that no one could love me all stem from that awful time in my life.  

With the healing, feeling love for myself, gaining confidence I feel the happy memories, the real friendships from that time have meant so much more to me.  It’s like a shift, a shift from the pain to the happy times, to the people in my life that did love me for real.  Recognizing how much I did to push away and destroy the good relationships.  I call that nowadays being in destructo mode.  At least I can recognize it now.

The Anderson family has been in Lindon for over 40 years.  My dad and family has made a great impact on the community.  They are so loved, our family has been so loved for so many years.  When my dad passed away it brought the community together.  So many from my past, from my younger years, that were great friends, came out to support our family and reached out to me personally.  For a few months it was difficult for me to respond, to have the right words to respond to these amazing friends.  I feel that through my dad’s passing there was healing for me, to feel and see the love that so many had for us, for me.

Since that time I’ve been able to reconnect with dear friends.  People who mattered to me, but I didn’t always know how to show it.  Little by little, prayers have been answered and I’ve seen the opportunities happen that I’ve hoped for.  This last week I was able to go to lunch with one of my most dear friends from high school.  When she and I met up for lunch we just picked up where we left off.  It didn’t feel like it had been nearly 30 years since we had hung out.  She lost her dad a few years ago and we went to lunch on his birthday.  It was a special day.  I felt so much love and happiness and healing.  

When I was a teenager there was a neighbor guy that was super kind to me.  He was a gentleman.  I don’t remember a lot about that time, but what I do remember is that I didn’t treat him well.  I pushed him away.  Deep down there’s this feeling that I was very unkind to him.  What I’ve known is that I’ve always wanted to apologize for how I treated him, but super weird, 30 years later how do I go and do that.  He’s married with a family, leave the past behind, I’m married with a family and honestly maybe he doesn’t remember me.  Lives change.  New roads.  New places and life experiences.  He and I have had small communication - he made donations for auctions that I was in charge of, but I was still at the level of business and not really into friendships.  Of course, a thank you and an appreciation, but a distance still and it’s been 11 years since the last communication.

Last night, by a weird twist of things, he and I were able to chat.  It was the catch up, how’s life, but then I felt this was my opportunity to apologize.  I was so grateful for the opportunity to apologize and that we are still friends.  The communication was different - very different, because of my healing, because of the love that I’ve found for myself, for those that loved me during some of my worst years.  I’m grateful for the opportunity the Lord gave me to chat with him.