A couple of years ago I told Rick, my husband, to bring up from the basement and sell all of my dolls. We were trying to bring in some extra income to help with bills and I had all of these porcelain dolls in the basement that hadn’t come out of the basement since we moved into our home over 15 years ago. When we moved into our home we had 4 boys. 4 very young boys and anytime we hung up a frame or put out anything nice it was broke by a bouncing or kicked ball or wrestling. I realized quickly that my dream of dolls up in my home would not be a part of our decor and I was alright with that. I knew I loved my dolls, but I loved sports and my boys even more. I was just about a month into my counseling when he brought up some of the dolls. I went through a bin of them and was like, ya, sell them. I’m good with letting them go. Then he brought over two dolls that were in their beautiful glass cases. He set them in front of me to see if I wanted to sell them and I just started sobbing. It was like a massive trigger. It was the craziest thing. As I looked at these two dolls I found myself thinking about different aspects of my life. Doll #1: All put together. All dressed up. Make-up done. Hair done. Smile. I dressed up as nicely as I could with going to college, school, work and things that I was involved with. I didn’t really even own a t-shirt or levi’s. I loved wearing heels and didn’t own tennis shoes. This was a way to portray to all of those that I interacted with, served, worked with, in school with that I had it all together and could do things professionally and successfully. Doll #2: A little girl all dressed in her frilly dresses. My Great Grandma was an AMAZING seamstress and each year she would make us girls dresses. They were frilly and beautiful and I loved them so much. I would look forward to her dress each year. With these cute girly dresses, our hair done and all put together we looked so cute I loved that I felt beautiful and all put together on the outside as a little girl, but on the inside I had turmoil. I was hiding things. Hiding a lot of pain. I believed my abusers that I was loved by them and that others wouldn’t believe me. I wanted to be enough and hide the abuse and pain. I loved the outside of the little girl, but she grew up to the “proper all dressed up doll” all too quick. I kept those two dolls. They sat in my family room for a very long time now that my boys are older. I would look at them and reflect and think about what they represent to me. Eventually they moved up to my bedroom and as I’ve been healing I’ve found joy in looking at these beautiful dolls. I’ve been able to see a greater beauty to them - a deeper beauty. What’s been interesting is as I’ve looked at these 2 beautiful dolls I’ve thought to myself I want a doll that really represents the internal me, the doll that would represent me from a young age to now. Not the proper, put together, beautiful dresses, hair done, etc. I wanted something that looked more broken. I wanted something that looked more in ripped up clothing, clothing that wasn’t put together. Something that didn’t represent beautiful, beautiful to everyone that saw her. I didn’t feel beautiful for a lot of years - a ton of years. I’ve looked many times for different dolls, but just haven’t found the right one. Haven’t found one that I felt truly represented me - the internal me. Then in November / December I thought this is the time for me to get this doll. The doll I’ve wanted for so long. I started looking more for the right doll to get on Christmas. I felt that would be very symbolic. As I thought about it I thought inside I was raggedy. I was raw. I wasn't put together at all. I wasn't proper. I was in pain. I wanted my hair to be out of place. I didn't feel or look perfect or cute. I wanted to be loved as just a little raggedy girl. I had looked for other ragged dolls, ones that looked more scruffy and not put together and in December one day I woke up and I thought, Raggedy Ann. She completes me. She's beautiful just as she is. She's the best doll of the 3. She's me. I've always loved Raggedy Ann. I've always wanted to embrace her and now I can. I can get one for myself. And she's adorable and loveable and ME! I had to search - she wasn’t easy to find, but then I found one that had her arms folded into her. I thought yes, this has been me. Closed up, arms folded in, protecting myself for years. My arms weren’t open and welcoming. I was so excited to find her and I ordered her. Then I got notification that she was on her way. I clicked on the tracking and another picture came up of her and it showed her arm outstretched. I thought I love that. I’ve opened myself up. My arms are much more outstretched and not closed up anymore and I feel safe, happy and great love. I got her today and I was so excited to open the package. As I opened her up her hands weren’t folded in at all. Not one hand folded in and one arm out - both arms are out. I thought yes, this is perfect. Her button eyes. Her red hair, I had red hair as a little girl into my teenage years. Her hair is yarn, my hair is thin and had a hard time being healthy over the years. She’s beautiful just the way she is! And she’s raggedy and so am I.
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I’ve wondered if I should write a blog today, if I should really share how I’m feeling today? As I’m sitting here pondering this thought I thought, yes, share today, be real. That’s one thing that I’ve felt strongly about, being real. Soooo, here goes today. . . Well, let’s start with last night. Tanner, Rick and I were setting up to play Acquire. We love playing games at the end of each day. Acquire is a game that I grew up playing and was one that we’ve loved playing with my dad. Tanner made a cute comment of “I’m going to do a grandpa move” and he set the tile upside down in a random place on the board. I laughed and said, “I’ll do the same” and I laid down a tile upside down on the board. Then as fast as all of this happened I had the thought, “I wonder how dad is doing.” As soon as that thought crossed my mind, thinking I should reach out to my dad, the thought came just as fast that he’s gone. I can’t ask him. Tears filled my eyes - it hit so fast and was such a weird series of thoughts. I had friends warn me that I would start to get to more normal, as normal as life can get, days. That I wouldn’t think about losing my dad as often and I would be focused on the daily things. I was also told that when those thoughts and memories hit it would hit pretty hard and those feelings last night hit pretty hard. As I went to bed last night I was reflecting on my dad, life and just how things have been going lately. The last couple of weeks have had many highs and lows - some very difficult things - and I feel very tired. I also know that the Lord has blessed me in so many ways, but sometimes it just gets to me, life just gets to me. When I woke up this morning I felt off. I had thoughts of things, an object, a situation that has been hard for me the last 5 - 6 months. This is something that I fasted in behalf of last Sunday, prayed and got a priesthood blessing to clear my life of this. Clear my life of the pain and the space its taken in my head. Gratefully the last 5 days my mind has been so much clearer. I’ve had so little thoughts and felt so much healing from this object in my life. Why in the world did I wake up this morning with thoughts of this? Why was it weighing heavy on my mind? Gratefully I was able to erase it mostly from my mind, but it just was a weird way to start the day. Then off to Tanner’s basketball game. That was fun and great to get out. I was grateful to just be sitting with Rick and have no interactions with anyone else. I’ve not been in the mood to interact with anyone today, well, quite honestly for the last several days. I’ve found myself not looking at texts or messenger nearly as much as I used to. I guess I needed a breather. I just have wanted space. Once we got home I worked and Rick worked on cleaning the house. When we got home we had a long list of things we wanted to get done. We were like let’s get all of this done and then within a couple of hours we were both like we’re tired, we don’t have the energy for all of this. That caused me to feel overwhelmed by life, all of the things that we needed to get done, things that are pressing. Today also brought a blessing of Brayden and Sarah stopping by this morning and Brayden coming and hanging out with us this afternoon. That definitely brought some happiness, laughter and love in our home. There’s lots of good things in our home. My family is amazing and we’ve had laughter and great things today in our home. My home is getting clean and that brings me happiness. Rick is amazing at taking care of me and our family. We’ll be playing games tonight. I’m grateful for my friends. . .soooo, what’s wrong with me??? I’ve chatted with a couple of people today and I’ve felt stupid. I’ve thought to myself, this is why I don’t chat when I’m in these moods. So, I’ve silenced my messenger and text and praying I don’t say anything else stupid. In fact, maybe I should just go to bed and forget the day. None of you have ever had a day like this, have you? Just one of those off internal days and not really sure why. Can’t find a way to snap out of it? Maybe I’m the only one, but I’m guessing I’m not. Just some days the optimism doesn’t win out. . .no matter how hard we try. So, Zach comes downstairs and he’s sitting here with me and says, “Mom, I want to spend time with you.” It’s just him and I at home and here I was thinking I just want my own space, I want to be alone. So, he’s joined me in watching a new Hallmark Movie and during the commercials he and I are laughing at the commercials and having very random conversations. I’m grateful he’s willing to meet me where I’m at today. What a blessing. . .I was writing this blog as Zach came downstairs and I’ve been amazed at how things have started to feel different. Started to feel a little lighter. Zach and I have laughed at the craziest things. It’s not changed the internal heaviness, but it’s getting better, just a little laughter, time with my son who cares and loves me. It’s the little things. So, as I’m finishing up this blog I’ve thought to myself, I still feel fragile, I feel like I can’t take on the world, but I feel happier. I feel like engaging with my son is a safe, happy place and a blessing. I’m grateful for the little things. Laughter brings about a different feeling too. As you face life challenges, tough days, an off day, look for the small blessings, the tiny tender mercies and try to open your heart to those little things. As I shared with a friend of mine that Zach was spending time with me and I was trying to soak it in despite how I was feeling she commented that it was a win that I was trying to engage vs shutting him out for how I’m really feeling. The happiness is contagious and brings hope and hope is what I’m finding tonight. Little by little, still fragile, but always the blessings. And, for all of us there might be other factors that play into days like I’ve had today and for me there’s been many changes to medications this week and medical things. . .I need to be kind to myself and recognize the level of difficulty. Always, take that into account on your rough days too. I have all kinds of memories come to mind when I think of tug-of-wars. Elementary School when it would be class vs class or boys vs girls. We would do this activity for recess or for team building activities or on Field Day. For the younger years it was super nice and just trying to get the other group over the line. As we got older it was definitely a “My class is going to beat your class.” Then as I got to teenage years and youth conferences and even into college activities it grew into bigger, more competitive situations. Sometimes pulling the group that lost into a mud pile or water. There were all kinds of tactics that people would try to use like where to place people or who had the back end or the front end, etc. As you think about a tug-o-war what things do you think of? I think of when our group was just too tired and honestly when we were done we would just let up and let go and the other group would fall back, because the resistance was gone. Then there were times that they would say go and one of the groups really wasn’t going to participate and just let the rope pull back fast and hard. With tug-of-wars there’s resistance, there’s a war on who is going to win, muscles used and all of the might of trying to win or if you didn’t care you just let it go. There’s lots of ways to think about this game, or is it a game? In fact, I was just curious and I looked up to see if this a professional activity and it is. So, from childhood to adulthood to all different levels, it’s something we can all relate to. Recently in counseling I wanted to talk with my counselor about differences, what things are important, not important, what do I stand up for and what things do I just let go. When is it worth the battle and when is it not, because honestly battles take a lot of energy and time that so often I don’t want to put my energy into. But then on the other hand, I’ve spent a lot of my life striving to make everyone else happy and not myself and I’ve had a deep sadness and don’t want to feel that either. I’m striving to find a good balance. Now that I’ve come to understand my value and who I am I find myself going to the other extreme of not letting people walk all over me. I speak up, speak out and often find myself getting super angry when I feel that someone is crossing into my space trying to hurt me. This comes from a long history of people crossing into my space and hurting me and me having to stay quiet or there being threats and a deep fear that I wouldn’t be loved or no one would believe me. My counselor is working with me on the extremes - the all or nothing mentality. I’m working on finding more of a middle ground and that’s really good for me, but sometimes with different things I find myself really feeling passionate one way or another. So, think about it, what things, what people, what circumstances do you get into a tug-of-war with people? I know that for me in the years of my leadership positions I would. I would feel strongly that a certain way would work best and I’d push for it to be that way. I know that parenting - holy smokes - parenting feels like the ultimate tug-of-war. My boys are getting older, 3 are adults, different stages of adulthood and wow, there can definitely be differing opinions. I want so badly to shield them from the things I did and the things I learned from my mistakes, but they know better and quite honestly, they need to learn from their own experiences, just like I did. Are there times that there’s a tug-of-war with a spouse or siblings or even neighbors? So, in counseling as we were talking about specific situations and at times I felt passionate about some of the situations my counselor would look at me and say set down the rope. Let go of the rope and don’t have a tug-of-war. I would look at him and be like, um, really, but and I had a list of reasons that I didn’t feel I should give up that war. I want my boundaries respected. I want to be safe. I want to know that I can trust those that I’m letting go of the rope with - that they will want good things for me. I had reasons why I was sure in certain circumstances that people were doing things to hurt me. That if I let go of the rope I’d get hurt - I would be laughed at and I would lose. And my counselor would say alright??? I would lose. Is that so bad? And what am I losing? I’m losing the anger? I’m losing the fight? I get to put my energy into positive things. I shared my opinion or thoughts and they didn’t listen and now they get to learn the hard way - is that bad? Did I survive learning for myself? And, just what if, the interaction was good intentioned and good will and because they did love me and were trying to help me? AND, what if their idea is a great idea and will work out just as great or maybe better than my idea? Over the last couple of years I’ve been learning this lesson and wow, it has been so freeing to let go. To let others experience life and me not try to shield or take it all on. I don’t have all of the right answers. I don’t have a responsibility to save everyone. I don’t need to mind read. I don’t know how people feel about me. Quite honestly, the greater struggle has been how I feel about myself. So, this last week my specific assignment from counseling has been to set the rope down. Let go of the rope. Not in a mean way, but in a way of recognizing things that are better to just set the rope down and move on. Relationships before being right or wrong. There have been several times over this last week that I’ve had to challenge myself. I’ve also had to look at what’s super important to me, defines me and what I’m not willing to back down on and what things I can let go. I have to say that with this assignment I’ve found that this happens so often in our day to day lives in so many different ways. I’ve found such a greater internal happiness and peace. I’ve found that I have a lot of lessons to learn, but that I’m so excited about this lesson. I’m so excited to have these words play through my mind each day and something to ask myself as I face so many different circumstances. It’s been such a blessing. So, take the time and think about it, when is it worth the tug-of-war and when is it best to set the rope down, not yank on it, not to hurt anyone, not to give that last little nudge, but to set the rope down peacefully and let go and honestly let God. It’s a very healing thing. What does a timeout mean to you?
- Not only teenagers, but parents might be the same way - bedroom or a drive - Going on a vacation - getting away from the regular day to day life - Taking a break from someone for an amount of time - Regrouping - evaluating how things are going and sometimes even a restart There can be lots of ways we look at a timeout. I want to backtrack a little bit, take a timeout and explain more about why I blog, why I share. As I was preparing to come home from my full time mission, 4 weeks early, I received a priesthood blessing from the ward mission leader, a dear friend. In the priesthood blessing I was told that there would come a day that I would share my life journey, that I would bless others lives with the experiences I had in my life. I wrote thoughts and feelings from that blessing and tucked them away. This was in February 1995. Over the years I’ve woken up through the night, had thoughts and feelings come to mind to share, gone to the temple or received priesthood blessings and the thoughts of that blessing have come to mind. I’ve denied these feelings and clarity for many years. Over the last 20 years I’ve volunteered in the schools and been super involved in my boys’ lives. I didn’t have time to think about my past, think about my experiences, share them and quite honestly I didn’t want to share them. There was so much I hadn’t even shared with my husband. People would ask how Rick and I had such an amazing relationship and boys that served and supported everything we did hours and hours throughout the week. Everyone wanted to know how I had this perfect life. Inside, it wasn’t perfect at all. I was scared. I had great fear. I had zero confidence in myself. There was no way I could be loved or have close friendships. My boys didn’t always want to help, but with my yelling and expectations and telling them what they would do they did it with a smile. That’s what I wanted everyone to see - perfection, having it all together. That’s when I felt I was finally almost enough. Two years ago December 2019 I started counseling after having pretty much a nervous breakdown. My body, emotions, ME couldn’t hold it together anymore. I was falling apart. I couldn’t carry the weight of all of the trauma by myself anymore. I was willing to be open about starting counseling, but that was about it. As covid hit and as I was going through counseling I was asked to share a video with our Relief Society about mental health. It was a way to connect with the sister’s through covid. I was super nervous and at first was going to be surface, but as I did the video I felt to share more about the real me. I felt it would be good to connect. There were little things like this experience that started to open up my eyes to sharing and helping others and seeing this priesthood blessing from February 1995 come together. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to share. I’d been private my whole life. I had so much I kept just to myself. What would people think of me? Would people think badly of me? Would I be blamed for what happened to me? I didn’t want to frame anyone or ruin anyone’s lives by sharing my journey. Yes, my abusers did awful things, caused me harm, but I wanted to move forward with my life. I wanted to focus on myself and my healing and healing with my boys and my husband and having real, sincere relationships. This was a very prayerful process. I actually shared a little bit, or pieces of my counseling with different friends or in smaller situations and the conversations I would have would fill me and I would connect with people in a different way. In a deeper way. I loved the questions I would get and how people would open up to me. It wasn’t focused on the abuse, but so many different topics about self esteem, loving ourselves, building relationships, boundaries, finding confidence and the list went on. It was a downer, but positive and growth. I finally took the leap, I finally posted and shared my blog. I finally let myself be vulnerable. I decided to be open and honest. I’m no expert. I don’t have anything perfected. I still have super bad days. I shed many tears. I still have to call on those close to me to help me get through tough days. I make mistakes - oh trust me, do I make mistakes. I find myself going back to how I was treated or the patterns that I developed for so many years and I end up not treating people well at times. I hurt people - not intentionally. I’ve been rewiring my brain. I’m like a child that’s learning to roll over, sit up, grab for the toys, take my first steps and so on - I’m discovering things and it’s exciting! I love it!!! And because I love it and love who I’ve become after 2 years of counseling I’m so excited to share my journey, things I’ve learned, things that happen in my days, things with my boys and Rick and those I love and things I’m learning as I heal and mend relationships and some relationships haven’t been good, toxic, narcissistic that aren’t meant to be healed, but how to move on, let go and heal. That can be super hard and super painful. If there’s something that I pray and hope for the most in this journey and sharing is to bless others lives. To give a glimpse of hope. To hopefully share something that helps others take one baby step forward. To recognize that they deserve more. That they don’t have to carry pain all by themselves. That there can be a greater happiness, peace and love in their lives, even in times of greatest trials. This last week I had the opportunity to help someone that I don’t know very well. I’m not giving advice on marriage, divorce or making anyone’s decisions - I’m not capable or qualified to do that. We each have our own journey - our own experiences - our own life story. I was willing to share the things I’ve learned, tools I’ve gained from counseling that are now in my toolbox. I was grateful that she felt comfortable to visit with me. That she didn’t have to feel alone in her journey. So, today, I wanted to take a timeout and share why I’ve chosen to blog. Why I’m now choosing to do videos. This isn’t easy for me, it’s something I’ve put off for years, but I will say that I’ve found a great love in sharing, in doing these things in hopes of helping someone - even if I help one person. I do this out of great love for myself, for my Heavenly Father and Savior and love for others. Over the last few weeks I’ve had some pretty amazing experiences. I’ve found peace, answers to prayers, a confidence to move forward with dreams, a feeling of love that I’ve not understood before in my life. . .in fact a couple of weeks ago I said to Rick that maybe I was getting to a place in life after 2 years of every week counseling that I could probably go to every other week or start to look at scaling back. I was winning! I was feeling a confidence that was undeniable - my dreams and promptings were finally going to be acted on!!! AND THEN. . .this week happened. What happened??? I can’t even explain what all happened. Started with an awful nightmare and I was thinking dang, I need to work through this person or that situation, but no, what it really was is that I needed to be there for myself - I needed to look within. I’ve got my support group - people who love me, I’ve got my people, now do I have myself, my own back? And then hitting a breaking point with one of my son’s. My patience had worn very thin and we were not working well with each other. We were both snappy and what I had been so excited about in our healing and our progress and our relationship becoming so strong felt like it was falling apart, it was going backwards faster than he and I could take steps forward to building. We finally had to have a hard talk. It wasn’t easy - for either of us, but gratefully the love for each other proved to be stronger than the challenges and progress forward is what’s happening now, but it added to the hard week. I’ve had this goal of being healthy by 50 - um, that’s in 8 months, ya, seems like I make several steps forward, lots more progress over the last couple of years than ever before, but lately, the health hasn’t seemed to be the winning point of my life. Exhaustion, freezing cold, retaining fluids to an extreme level, because of the fluids and swelling in my body I’m in constant pain with my muscles and the list goes on. Just felt discouraging. I’m so grateful for an amazing doctor who knows me, knows my family and he’s there for us - I know he has a love for our family and wants the very best for us. He’s always been right on track with helping our family. I had an appointment this week with him and he listened and is helping me find answers. Lots of blood work this week and then a test on my heart this coming week at the hospital and hopefully this will help us find answers so that I can continue to move forward, continue to fight for my goal of healthy by 50. I’ve been so excited for my plans, for the book I’m writing, for the opportunity to share what I’ve learned with others. With my confidence and support of a fantastic friend who is going to do the videos with me, I was like we’ve got this. The vision is all coming together. There’s been an excitement that I’ve not ever felt. The new year, here we go. . .oops, nope, not really, let me beat you down, take away your confidence, remind you of how awful you are and you’re not any better than anyone else, in fact, you’ve got nothing to help others, so if you share anything you’re going to look stupid, you’ll have the skeptics, the ones who will criticize you, in fact, the critiques could be those that you hoped for the support from the most. Ya, I woke up one morning this week with an amazing amount of darkness over me. It was in my eyes. I honestly couldn’t feel the light, the hope and such deep darkness in my heart. I laid in bed and was like alright, you’re right, I’m a failure, I’m stupid, I don’t have anything to offer, people don’t really love me and honestly if you put yourself out there you’ll lose more people, I don’t want to lose anyone else, I’ve already lost so many - YOU’RE RIGHT!!!! I’M WORTHLESS!!!! NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WON’T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!!!! I couldn’t talk to Rick, I couldn’t communicate with my boys or with Lindsey or those who say they love me - I had a list of people who I was sure couldn’t support me anymore - it was all of the greats in my life. All of those that have been there for me unconditionally, the ones that I’ve known without any doubt Heavenly Father sent into my life. And then I thought to myself, why would these people support me and help me leave and stay away from those that put me down, that don’t build me up, those that proclaim their distaste in me. The ones who say, I don’t hate you, but stay away!!! You’ve messed up and maybe someday I’ll forgive you and maybe someday we can be friends again - when I decide I’ll let you know. Why would these great people, who are there for me every single day, every minute of the day, talk me into not being in these types of people’s lives? Why wouldn’t they want me to work harder to prove myself so I can have these loving, loyal, great friends in my life? I finally got out of bed, I finally got myself ready that morning. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t say anything. I was scared to share. I was terrified like a child. I couldn’t trust anyone. After hours of struggling on my own I said to Rick, “I need a priesthood blessing.” It’s all I could say. I couldn’t find the words to explain what was going on. I honestly couldn’t even explain why I needed a blessing, but I was just hoping with all of my heart that a blessing could cast out this darkness. I wanted to tell myself these things were lies, but were they. These were things I’d believed about myself for so many years. I’ve never wanted to lose people in my life. I’d beg, I do anything to keep people in my life. Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it - PLEASE DON’T GO!!!! Please don’t go my friend, my dad, myself. . .anyone, everyone. I’ll be anything. Please forgive me. I know I’ve messed up. I know I’m a mistake. I promise I’ll do better, I’ll be better, just love me! This last year that’s not been enough in so many ways, in so many circumstances. My dad, friends and the list goes on. Even at points I felt Heavenly Father and the Savior. In fact, that’s what the week started with. . .the nightmare and even myself! I wasn’t there for myself. I’ve abandoned myself over and over. The priesthood blessing was AMAZING!!!! In fact, when I opened my eyes I saw light. I felt light. The words, oh my gosh, I knew every one of those words came from my Heavenly Father. I knew there were things that my dad wanted me to know - I’m loved. Cast those words of doubt out. My husband, oh my gosh, his love is seriously the best! I can’t even put into words his love for me and I feel it, I know it, I’m not scared, he’s here, he’s not going anywhere. He represents so much of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. He lives so close to the spirit that he’s ready at any moment to give me a priesthood blessing. The peace and hope from the blessings was so strong. Cast you out Satan!!! I’m not going to let you beat me. I have great things to share. And those who don’t like it, well, hopefully they can find what they are looking for from others, but I know, from a priesthood blessing 26 years ago and over the years that I went through these life experiences for a reason and its to share, help others, I’ve ALWAYS loved helping others. I’ve gained sooooo much and grown and been blessed it’s time, it’s time to bless others. Well, that wasn’t the end of my challenging week. A big blow up. I lost my temper. I was super hurt! I struggle with being told or my family being told they are not being responsible. I struggle being told how something needs to be done by others when it wasn’t their responsibility and we had a plan. I’m no longer motivated by guilt or shame, in fact it triggers me to another extreme. I’m working on my extremes - definitely something I’m still working on. Loss of my dad isn’t the only loss I’ve felt this year. There’s so many dynamics to loss and everyone has to work through things in their own individual ways. The things that happened with this situation triggered immense feelings of the other losses I had felt through my dad passing. I’m tired of being the bad guy. I’m tired of being called out in front of others when it’s not others business. Humiliation is the word that comes to mind. I’m tired of being humiliated and feeling less than. I’m an equal in this situation, in many of these types of situations that come up. I can’t go into specific details on this situation, but what I can say is this was such a painful situation for me that I had to withdraw. I couldn’t stop sobbing. Sobbing like a child. There wasn’t anything that could stop the tears. Normally in these types of situations I would run, I would take off by myself and thoughts, sometimes my thoughts would get the better of me. These are very deep rooted, some of the deepest hardest words that play over and over in my mind. It’s some of the places that I wish the most I could be accepted, that I could be enough, but when I snap out of all of this I’m able to recognize the healing, the greater love I have in my life, BUT, when I snap, its excruciating and its a super battle to come out of it. This time I didn’t run! WINNING!!! I let Rick comfort me. WINNING!!! Rick asked if I wanted to go see Christmas Lights and that seemed magical to me - super magical - like for a child, the child that I was feeling at that time. WINNING!!! We gathered up blankets, tissues, my coat and just Rick and I went for a drive. I decided I didn’t need my phone, I didn’t want any connection or anything else that would cause tears or cause me to spew. I put my phone on airplane mode for 2 hours. WINNING!!!! Rick and I danced, laughed, talked and enjoyed the snow coming down as we were watching this light show that was like 2 hours long. It was super amazing!!! WINNING!!!! Then I turned my phone back on, well, there were messages, things that brought tears again, but I was calmed down, able to process. WINNING!!!! I made decisions and set boundaries. I recognized my support group. I recognized love - the love that I’ve longed for. I felt SAFE! Safe with myself and safe with those who love me. I accepted hugs from my boys - that’s HUGE!!! WINNING!!! Lots of emotions ringing in the New Year without my dad, a week that had worn me out, but last night I pushed through my grumpiness and tiredness and my friend and I made our start. We started the progress to achieving our goals. Not without me saying no and not now and maybe tomorrow, but that’s not what it needed to be and dang, it was soooo much fun!!! Got me so excited! This morning, we now have church at 9 a.m. and last year our church was at 12 and honestly, we barely made it to church on time with it at 12. Sunday’s were our awesome day to sleep in and just relax from life. I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning and thought nope, not yet. Finally around 7:45 I thought I’ll get up and start to get ready. That lasted about 20 minutes and then I was back in bed. I thought what would it hurt to stay home, not really get ready and watch Sacrament on Zoom. I’ve had such a long, hard week. One time won’t hurt. I deserve a down day. I honestly don’t know if I can be around people today. I’ve got nothing to give. I had all kinds of thoughts, but finally at 8:40 a.m. I got up and hurried and got ready. I got out of bed! WINNING!!! We got to church about 9:05 and missed the opening hymn and got there for the opening prayer. I turned off my phone and told myself, I’m here and I’m going to focus on the Savior. I need everything I can get today to help me with this week. I need to feed my spirit. I had told myself everytime I thought about other things I would go to the Savior - so I did. The testimonies that were shared today, legit, I felt the spirit and the words soooo deeply. I was like yes, I’m not alone, yes, I needed that reminder, yes, I’m writing that down. The spirit in Sacrament Meeting was so strong. Then I was walking down the hallway and trying to decide which Sunday School class to go to - there’s 2 different teachers / classrooms. I looked down the hallway and saw Suzette Haub - she is a bright light to me. An example of strength and testimony and enduring and I gain so much from her. There she was getting ready to teach in the Relief Society room. I walked in and she walked right up to me and said, “Is it a great day?” and she gave me a hug! I looked at her and said, “Yes it is, because I’m seeing you and you’re teaching.” I meant those words soooo sincerely. Rick and I sat down and I took in her lesson. Oh my gosh, Come Follow Me. If I would have studied this week I would have known this, but I didn’t. I just didn’t. Moses, going to the mountain, feeling the spirit, direction and then there’s Satan and Moses having to fight him off and then the spirit - that’s how I’ve felt all week. And why do we have these experiences? Why do we go through these things? What can we do to hold onto the strength? The spirit? Keep moving forward with the things we know we can do - that our Heavenly Father has faith in us to do - the greater good. I even commented - I’m not always good at that, but I felt the spirit so strongly. Become like a child - turn to our Heavenly Father and Savior - He loves us - He is LIGHT! He is HOPE! He is LOVE! So, my lesson today is sometimes the BEST THING WE CAN DO IS GET OUT OF BED! Just take one step at a time. One minute at a time. There is love. There is winning for each and everyone of us. We can do this! We’re in this together! |
Cheri HardmanA wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity Archives
April 2022
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