I Hit a Wall

​Today has been super duper weird!  I was feeling so good yesterday.  Just happy, positive and that things were good.  I felt that I could take on life’s challenges.  I was seeing the blessings, strength and confidence that I had gained.  I was grateful for the opportunity to help some other friends with things going on in their lives and look at my life and recognize the hard road and where I’m at now.

THEN, yesterday afternoon some things triggered.  I was bothered.  I was irritated.  I was what I call myself destructo!  When these things would happen I’d spiral super fast and couldn’t pull myself out for the rest of the night.  I would do things to push people away and just couldn’t snap myself out of it.  I felt this was my reality.  Gratefully with all of the rewiring that I’ve gone through, gaining tools for life, I recognize when these things hit and I’m able to fight against it more.  I don’t always succeed at beating it, but I can function, live life and recognize that this isn’t my current reality.  

One of the things that I do is shut down.  I’m not willing to share anything.  I’m willing to be mad, angry, beat myself up, tell myself I’m worthless and no one can love me, but I’m not willing to discuss any of the good.  It’s almost like a haze or a darkness comes over me and I can’t push it away.  I can’t turn on the lightswitch and make it all go away.  I shut down, because there’s these inner conversations that I have with myself that create many double binds for myself and the last thing I want to do is share these things with anyone else and have them try to help me sort through these things.  I know it doesn’t make sense, but these double binds are MINE and no one else can help me through them and honestly, any help could really backfire.

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​Last night was different. . .I was trying to share how I was feeling.  Some things that were hurting me.  I was typing these things and chatting with a very close friend and instead of writing the right answers or sorting through what I wanted to share I just shared.  I said things and described things differently. . .it was the most honest I’ve been with myself and they were super hard topics, super to the core of me.  Things I thought for sure I’d keep locked up forever.  As I shared these things I found myself sharing that I longed for certain types of relationships because they hurt, I want to be an object, I don’t want to feel, I’m more comfortable with pain.  The list of honest things went on and on. . .and they were super painful and I couldn’t believe I was sharing these things.

Here’s the thing. . .when things like this or awful nightmares happen it’s turned out to be more freeing in the long run.  My consciousness is ready to let go and heal.  It’s super painful, because I’ve kept these things to myself, deep down, for a very long time and I like control. I like to think I can control this release of things and what I share, because I have for years, but not now, not now that I’m healing.  I’ve gone into this process open minded and said this is it, I want to heal and move on with my life, not just do pieces, hit the tip of the iceberg, so this is what I get.

Unfortunately, with that sharing and realizing the words I used and how I really felt I got angry!  Super ANGRY!!!!  I bet I could count on one hand the amount of times that I’ve said to myself, why did I have to go through this, why me, those types of things?  I’ve never even said if I could go back and change things I would.  Though I absolutely dislike what happened to me and the things I’ve gone through I’ve always taken ownership of this is what makes me me and I feel there’s been some really good things that have come from me being me.  I also feel that because of what I’ve been through I’ve been able to help others and I love that so much.  I’ve had so many experiences that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have these life experiences.  I’m not really an angry person and I’ve not really felt anger towards my abusers.

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​But last night, the anger poured in.  I hate that I like pain.  I hate that I want to be an object.  I hate that I have to fight with all my might to beat these awful thoughts about myself.  I hate that I’ve paid such a high price for so many years.  I hate that I’ve not understood relationships.  I hate that I’m clingy and pray with all my might that I can be important to others.  I hate the way I’ve been as a mom for so many years.  I literally was so mad!  I hated everyone of my abusers last night.  I’ve had so many people ask me why I’ve not turned them in or done something and honestly I don’t want to ruin their lives like they’ve ruined mine.  I figure it’s their price to pay, their problem to work out, but honestly when this anger hit I thought maybe I’ve not been fair to others that these abusers might have caused others, but then that’s not my problem either.  

To top it off I was going in to a doctors appointment that was causing me great anxiety today and just the realization of all that I fight through physically and I believe strongly that’s due to how much I’ve held in for so many years emotionally.  Plus the wiring in my mind that I couldn’t take care of myself.  I had to keep going.  I had to live perfectly and prove myself constantly and all of the stress and lack of sleep and emotional stuff has caused a lot of this damage.  It angers me terribly!!!  Yes, I’ll take responsibility, but seriously, it’s hard to understand for yourself the good when you’ve been groomed and lived a life of abuse and awful belief’s and so much of that abuse came from people that were trusted in our community circle.  They were good people.  Whatever!!!!  

Then there’s this whole thing that I long for good, healthy relationships, but with some of these relationships I just can’t do it in a healthy space.  I’m not ready to share this part of me, but its awful!!!  Thank heaven that Rick loves me despite my craziness and obsessiveness and fears and clingliness.  

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​Through all of this last night I was just mad!  I was mad at my friend who I shared these things with.  I was mad at Rick.  I told both of them to feel lucky they weren’t alone.  BUT, what I was most mad at was ME!!!!  I know better.  I know what I need to do.  I’m now seeing it.  I can see what happens and what I’m doing and sometimes I can’t stop myself.  I know that sounds crazy, but I can’t!  I’m like a child with a hyper focus on things and just can’t change my course, my direction.  

So, legit, it wasn’t like I ran into the wall and changed courses.  It’s like I ran into the wall and then for fun I thought I’d keep hitting my head over and over and over again.  Then I would pound my fists over and over and over again.  Sometimes I’m sure I can break through the brick wall bloodied and all, but I will win with all of my crazy thinking.  NO, no, I won’t.

I’m super blessed with a sure foundation of a few people who haven’t left.  They try to put padding up when I get in these phases so I don’t get to bloodied up.  They try to turn my direction to the stairs and a door that I can walk through, but sometimes I’m just too stubborn.  They stay with me.  They love me.  They don’t leave.  Wow, what an amazing concept!  They don’t leave me.  Something new for me to understand.  I can’t even shove them away.

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​I woke up this morning and worked and went to my doctor’s appointment and my very loving husband was there with me through all of it.  Even though I couldn’t eat, I didn’t know what to say, my anxiety was through the roof, I was kind of grumpy. . .he was there.  He loves me!  I’m loved! I don’t have to do this alone.  My counselor doesn’t give up on me and when I tell him the most craziest thoughts and feelings I’ve had he looks at me with sincerity and validates my feelings.  What????  I’m not super crazy.  This doesn’t make sense to me and I’m a sinner, but no, no I’m not.  It all makes sense and I get the tools and assignments to move forward, to learn, to rewire and get stronger.  And because of this small group of people who love me and don’t leave I understand so much better my Heavenly Father and Savior’s love.  They love me even in my most angry, sinful thoughts.  They guide me gently and lovingly to lead me to the right people, right opportunities and little by little I leave the wall, pounding my head against it and I find a greater peace.      

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