 Meet someone Start to get to know each other Become quick friends Start hanging out Spending more time with each other Building a trust Start opening up even more Rely on each other more Sometimes a relationship starts to form - deeper relationship There are differences and disagreements Think you’ve worked through them Keep moving forward with the relationship More mistakes made Told no more - actions speak louder than words - show me that you want this relationship You want the relationship to work so bad No more mistakes  Tread lightly Strive to do things perfectly to show that you care - that they mean alot to you Things are alright, but things are just not the same No matter how hard you try to be enough, things are irreparable Eventually they leave Whether its emotional and/or physically - their gone You just couldn’t be good enough Couldn’t change enough to repair the damage you created You shared too much Relied on them too much Let down your guard, showed who you really were, struggles and it was too much  Gather yourself Try to heal your heart Tenderly start walking forward again They come back into your life Say we can be friends You jump at the opportunity You’re heart hadn’t healed And now its healed They are back And then. . . You fail again Make a mistake They remind you what happened last time Oh, that’s right I’m willing to change myself  Be cautious, tread lightly, bend over backwards Give all you’ve got Because it’s more important to have them in your life Prove your worthy of their love Instead of them leaving And dealing with a broken heart Because it truly feels like you could die from a broken heart And then. . . A mistake too big to fix, to repair - you messed up again They are gone Or put rules on you for them to come back So, tuck those feelings away Pray with all your might PLEASE help me die I can’t handle the broken heart I’m too scared to make a mistake again Can I trust again? Will I ever be enough for someone to really love me?  I look back over the years
All I’ve ever wanted Was someone to love me Love me and accept me But who am I? If I can’t love myself Don’t know who I am How can anyone else love me? So, I let people in Trust Open Up Share my fears Promises they won’t ever leave Abandonment is my worst fear The roots are sooooo deep Will I ever get better Promises made I won’t leave I’ll always love you I’ll always care about you You’ll always have a place in my life What does that mean? Until something or someone else comes along? I’m in 10th place and once something else is added I’m dropped off Life changes I cling to relationships
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 On December 28th, 2020 I had surgery on my right shoulder. With that surgery it caused me to be extremely dependent - in fact I didn’t realize how dependent I would be and how long it would be. I’m kindof, well, really alot independent, so this was a huge stretch for me, but the surgery was a must. A few months ago my physical therapist told me that I was doing really well and had gotten most of the motion that I was going to get back. That was really exciting, but there were still some things that I couldn’t do and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t do certain motions. I finally asked him about it and he said that it’s common to not get some of those motions back. I was like, oh, well that will impact how or if I can do certain things again. On top of these things over the last month I’ve lost some of the motion and range again - more pain has come back into my shoulder so back to many physical therapy exercises to get the range back. Since December 28th there are certain things that I’ve not been able to do every single morning to get ready. For 5 months I’ve been dependent every single day to get ready for the day. I’ve definitely made a ton of progress and there’s been celebration as I’ve been able to do one more thing by myself. So grateful for the progress!  Today was the FIRST SATURDAY in 2 months that we could sleep in. I decided I wanted to be lazy and stay in bed a little later than 9:00 and Rick had a baseball practice. I think we both thought I would wait until he got home to help me, but I thought, nope, I want to see if I can do this on my own today and knew we would be in a hurry once he got home to head to the baseball field for games for the rest of the day! I did it!!! I did everything on my own except for a couple of things that could wait until Rick got home. I was soooo proud of myself! SUCCESS!!! Here’s the other side of the story. . .
 As I thought about the experience this morning I thought about how rewarding it was to be independent - to prove to myself that I can do things on my own - I don’t have to rely on others. That was a huge WIN for me!!!
Then I thought about how much I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve had with Rick each morning. It’s kind of been that standing appointment for us to know that we had time together, time to visit and it’s been nice to know that he’s always there to help me, support me and NEVER ONCE has he ever complained about helping me. It’s something he’s enjoyed too. In fact, through this experience it’s strengthened our marriage. We can go much further in one boat, rowing together and working together instead of at times being in our own boats working towards the same direction, but separately. I’ve also learned the great value of letting others in my life. When we have a team we can save time, don’t have to feel worn out, take better care of ourselves and we can be stronger and things go much smoother. The outcome might be the same whether we go it alone or with others, but the journey can be so much different and we’re not meant to go this journey alone.  Are you one that sits in the same place every time you go to a certain place or in a certain room? College class you kindof adopt a certain seat? Church a certain row for your family? We’ve been in the same ward for almost 18 years and in the Relief Society Room I’ve pretty much sat in the same place that entire time. It varied between the 2nd to back row and the back row end seat. It was right by the door for easy exit and not only did I sit in that seat, but then I would put my bag on the seat next to me so no one could sit next to me. Well, that seat has been my same seat minus a time that I didn’t make it to Sunday School for months. Years ago we’d get done with Sacrament Meeting and I’d linger in the chapel and inevitably I’d get visiting with someone and would just completely miss Sunday School. After doing this for months I felt that I really needed to get to Sunday School - that my spirit needed to be fed more - I was wearing down too much during the week.  Hmmm, how do you do that when others have become very used to skipping with you and you just knew that if you talked to anyone the habit of skipping Sunday School would be really easy to keep? I decided that I wasn’t going to linger. In fact, I was going to be one of the first out of the chapel and I would go straight to the classroom no matter what. If there were arrangements that needed to be made with my boys for things I did that before church. If Rick had things to take care of I just let him know I would head down by myself and he could come when he was ready. IT WORKED!!!! For well over 12 years I’ve done this each week, minus Covid time. Even when it went to 2 hour church and Sunday School and Relief Society was every other week I was prepared and ready for either class. I found that I loved getting to the classroom early and just sitting there. It became my quiet time. Yes, everyone around me was visiting and occasionally I’d visit with others, but often I was sitting by myself, listening to everyone visit and able to ponder things in my life. This has become a very peaceful time for me. Now, why the 2nd to back row or the back row and the end seat with my bag on the seat next to me??? Due to the abuse that I’ve been through I have extreme fear of people standing or sitting right behind me. When I go to a restaurant or anywhere I need to sit where my back is protected the best I can. I need the end seat so that I can get out quickly if my anxiety hits or just a feeling of being able to escape and not inconvenience others by climbing over others.  Why the seat saved between me and others? I don’t like touch and I have a bubble, a very large bubble around me. I struggle with someone sitting right next to me. Plus, with a chair between me and others I don’t feel as obligated to talk to others. I have many protections in place that many probably don’t even notice. And why do I share all of this??? February 2020 I followed my routine. I got right to the Relief Society Room, sat on the back row in the corner, but I could see that there were many that wanted to sit on that back row so I didn’t put my bag on a chair - I let others sit by me. Like normal I was one of the first people to the room. I was sitting there in my quiet space and a sister that likes the back row says to me, “There’s not room for you bag here. I need your seat for my friends.” I was kinda surprised and honestly very uncomfortable, but I picked up my bag and moved up to the next row. Then I put my bag on the seat next to me and sat there quietly feeling really hurt. I didn’t say anymore, but then this sister who let me know I couldn’t sit back there let me know that can’t always be my seat and I need to be aware of other’s needs. I looked at her and was like alright. I honestly wanted to get up and walk out of the room right then and not come back. It was humiliating and very hurtful. I always want to look out for others’ needs. I had just started counseling and was only 2 months into my counseling and I was at a very brittle, scared, child like place. I stayed and a sister in our ward who is friends with me and with those sitting on the back row came and sat by me. Nothing was said, but it was very kind of her to choose to sit by me. I wasn’t sure if I could ever go back and I wasn’t actually able to go back to that room. I attended a different Sunday School class and then lucky for me Covid hit and then there was no church.  Through all of my counseling and the year we’ve had and the amount of time that’s passed before going back to 2 hour church I had honestly forgotten about this experience. A couple of weeks ago Sacrament Meeting was over and it was time to go to Sunday School. There are 2 Sunday School classes offered and I had already decided I would attend the one in the cultural hall, because a good friend of mine was teaching.
I did my routine. Sacrament over, stood up and started to walk right down the hallway to the classroom. As I walked out of the chapel I hear this sister say, “Look Cheri’s wanting to quickly get to the room so she can get her seat.” She laughed and I believe it was meant in a light hearted way, but all of that pain and feelings of being shamed came at me. I was extremely glad that I only had to walk by her for about 30 seconds and then I turned into the Cultural Hall. That shut her and her friend up quickly. They didn’t have to push me out of the seat in the corner. As I pondered this I thought to myself I don’t know why she acts the way she does nor does she have any idea why I do what I do. It’s not a race for the seat. It’s not a popularity contest. It’s not because I want to take the row away from her and her friends. Be careful how you judge, the words you say and how you make people feel - you don’t have any idea why they choose the chair in the corner.  6.8.21 9:00 a.m. Counseling for Cheri 10:20 a.m. Urgent Care for Rick’s knee 12:00 p.m. Blood work for Cheri for Monday doctor’s appointment 12:30 p.m. Home, take medication, eat lunch Does this type of calendaring look familiar to you? Date, time, what and where and for who? So busy that you just went from one thing to another until the end of the day when you crashed into bed and your mind raced with thoughts of what didn’t get accomplished, what’s next, do I have time to sleep or should I keep going? Or that’s when your mind finally has time to worry about life? This is how my calendar and life have looked for years, like YEARS, like over 30 years. BUT, not anymore. This is how it really looked yesterday. 9:00 a.m. Rick went with me to counseling. I was feeling that the week had been a bust, many very difficult things and I was scared to tell my counselor the things I was really struggling with, because how in the heck did I get myself into some of these situations. Why didn’t I do the hard things earlier? Rick points out a long list of wins so when we go into counseling Rick shares the wins. He shares so many great things and progress. Then I decide it’s time to be completely open and honest about some things and there’s zero shame or guilt. There’s love and understanding and much help for me to continue to get better. I shed many tears and much pain was shared, but as I left I realized I’ve got more strength than I thought. Lots of new things to work on.  10:20 a.m. Blessed with an amazing doctor, great office staff and nurses. Much laughter and light hearted as we go through the process of figuring out what damage is done with Rick’s knee. Rick and I enjoy time together and we are there supporting each other. There’s some tough realities and it’s going to be a journey, but we’ve got this!!! 12:00 p.m. Feeling pretty light headed and weak due to fasting for the blood work, but was able to drink water and that helped a lot. I was a little nervous to go in for bloodwork, because the last time it took 4 times to draw blood and the person working wasn’t very friendly. As I went to go in I wondered if the lady outside the door was waiting for blood work and she and I had a fun, positive interaction and then I walked in. Something I said caused this older lady to come and open the door and continue the conversation with me - we smiled and laughed. Then I had the opportunity to interact with her daughter and husband who got his bloodwork done. I love pleasant conversations with people that I don’t know. Brightens the day. I went in to get my blood work and it was a couple of new workers. I was able to share with the lady what they’ve had to do for the last 6 years 4 times a year and she did that and I didn’t even feel the poke and it was only once. Easiest blood draw ever!!! We came home, took medication, ate food, spent time with family and then had the opportunity to go out with a friend at 3:00 p.m.  THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET REAL. . . Yes, I felt STRONG and happy all morning long. Felt we’ve got this! THEN, there’s the reality that I’m having a back procedure done tomorrow and Rick was going to be helping me and now he’s not able to do much. The house is a mess and is it worth pushing the boys to get the house clean. Life is still moving on. . .baseball, jobs, emotions, heartbreaks, meals need to be made oh and then there’s all of the things I’m working through with counseling and all of that winning spirit has worn out. Now I’m in the mode of how can I trust my judgement of people in my life, who’s going to leave my life, who really loves me, trust - should I just trust myself, why did I let people in my life and think they loved me, abandonment, I’m not worth much, who could ever love me, I’m tired of not feeling well, I’ve been working so dang hard why can’t things be better oh and then there’s the how are the boys doing and I forgot to take care of this and I’m completely worn out and I need to escape all of this and I’m anxious about the procedure and I just want to sleep, but really should get these things done and I need to quit thinking about myself and I’m worried about Rick and his pain and how are we going to get him better. . . I bet no one else has ever felt this. . .having their own doubts, discouragements, should’ve, could’ve, would’ve moments. Then using my counseling I did the logic, reason and self compassion I tell myself turn off my phone, go to bed and tomorrow will be better. BUT then I think laying in bed I’ll get on my phone and do social media for a little bit to unwind. Ya, that worked wonders. . .some things brought up painful feelings and then brought up the self doubt and why, oh all those why questions. Then it’s dang I wish I was better, I wish I mattered. I’m not sure where to turn. I look at Rick and he’s soundly sleeping and there’s no way I can wake him up, because he’s in pain and had a long day. Then I thank Heavenly Father for my dear friend where I’m completely safe and close my eyes and fall asleep.  Then I think, who’s up and who can I message. Should I turn to those who don’t really care about me, but I want to care about me? Should I turn to those who have hurt me in the past praying they will be kind now? That feeling of insecure emotional attachment is alive and strong. THEN, I apply counseling and healing and recognition of my inner happiness and turn to one that is a part of my eternal foundation. I pray. I pour out my heart. Of course, that can bring some peace, but so often we need people here - we need the actual words or touch. So, I turned to my next safety place - eternal friend. She’s asleep, but that’s alright. I just needed somewhere to share. I just share - those completely honest words - not hiding or pretending that anything is great. I HURT! I’m SAD! I’m doubting my judgement. Then I thank Heavenly Father for my dear friend where I’m completely safe and close my eyes and fall asleep. Sleeping is not easy for me, I have lots of nightmares, but last night I slept soundly through the whole night and woke up counting my blessings and just a little stronger a little better. One foot in front of the other. |
Cheri HardmanA wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity Archives
April 2022
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