9:00 a.m. Counseling for Cheri
10:20 a.m. Urgent Care for Rick’s knee
12:00 p.m. Blood work for Cheri for Monday doctor’s appointment
12:30 p.m. Home, take medication, eat lunch
Does this type of calendaring look familiar to you? Date, time, what and where and for who? So busy that you just went from one thing to another until the end of the day when you crashed into bed and your mind raced with thoughts of what didn’t get accomplished, what’s next, do I have time to sleep or should I keep going? Or that’s when your mind finally has time to worry about life? This is how my calendar and life have looked for years, like YEARS, like over 30 years.
BUT, not anymore. This is how it really looked yesterday.
9:00 a.m. Rick went with me to counseling. I was feeling that the week had been a bust, many very difficult things and I was scared to tell my counselor the things I was really struggling with, because how in the heck did I get myself into some of these situations. Why didn’t I do the hard things earlier? Rick points out a long list of wins so when we go into counseling Rick shares the wins. He shares so many great things and progress. Then I decide it’s time to be completely open and honest about some things and there’s zero shame or guilt. There’s love and understanding and much help for me to continue to get better. I shed many tears and much pain was shared, but as I left I realized I’ve got more strength than I thought. Lots of new things to work on.
10:20 a.m. Blessed with an amazing doctor, great office staff and nurses. Much laughter and light hearted as we go through the process of figuring out what damage is done with Rick’s knee. Rick and I enjoy time together and we are there supporting each other. There’s some tough realities and it’s going to be a journey, but we’ve got this!!!
12:00 p.m. Feeling pretty light headed and weak due to fasting for the blood work, but was able to drink water and that helped a lot. I was a little nervous to go in for bloodwork, because the last time it took 4 times to draw blood and the person working wasn’t very friendly. As I went to go in I wondered if the lady outside the door was waiting for blood work and she and I had a fun, positive interaction and then I walked in. Something I said caused this older lady to come and open the door and continue the conversation with me - we smiled and laughed. Then I had the opportunity to interact with her daughter and husband who got his bloodwork done. I love pleasant conversations with people that I don’t know. Brightens the day. I went in to get my blood work and it was a couple of new workers. I was able to share with the lady what they’ve had to do for the last 6 years 4 times a year and she did that and I didn’t even feel the poke and it was only once. Easiest blood draw ever!!!
We came home, took medication, ate food, spent time with family and then had the opportunity to go out with a friend at 3:00 p.m.
THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET REAL. . .
Yes, I felt STRONG and happy all morning long. Felt we’ve got this! THEN, there’s the reality that I’m having a back procedure done tomorrow and Rick was going to be helping me and now he’s not able to do much. The house is a mess and is it worth pushing the boys to get the house clean. Life is still moving on. . .baseball, jobs, emotions, heartbreaks, meals need to be made oh and then there’s all of the things I’m working through with counseling and all of that winning spirit has worn out. Now I’m in the mode of how can I trust my judgement of people in my life, who’s going to leave my life, who really loves me, trust - should I just trust myself, why did I let people in my life and think they loved me, abandonment, I’m not worth much, who could ever love me, I’m tired of not feeling well, I’ve been working so dang hard why can’t things be better oh and then there’s the how are the boys doing and I forgot to take care of this and I’m completely worn out and I need to escape all of this and I’m anxious about the procedure and I just want to sleep, but really should get these things done and I need to quit thinking about myself and I’m worried about Rick and his pain and how are we going to get him better. . .
I bet no one else has ever felt this. . .having their own doubts, discouragements, should’ve, could’ve, would’ve moments.
Then using my counseling I did the logic, reason and self compassion I tell myself turn off my phone, go to bed and tomorrow will be better. BUT then I think laying in bed I’ll get on my phone and do social media for a little bit to unwind. Ya, that worked wonders. . .some things brought up painful feelings and then brought up the self doubt and why, oh all those why questions. Then it’s dang I wish I was better, I wish I mattered. I’m not sure where to turn. I look at Rick and he’s soundly sleeping and there’s no way I can wake him up, because he’s in pain and had a long day.
Then I thank Heavenly Father for my dear friend where I’m completely safe and close my eyes and fall asleep.
Then I think, who’s up and who can I message. Should I turn to those who don’t really care about me, but I want to care about me? Should I turn to those who have hurt me in the past praying they will be kind now? That feeling of insecure emotional attachment is alive and strong. THEN, I apply counseling and healing and recognition of my inner happiness and turn to one that is a part of my eternal foundation. I pray. I pour out my heart. Of course, that can bring some peace, but so often we need people here - we need the actual words or touch. So, I turned to my next safety place - eternal friend. She’s asleep, but that’s alright. I just needed somewhere to share. I just share - those completely honest words - not hiding or pretending that anything is great. I HURT! I’m SAD! I’m doubting my judgement.
Then I thank Heavenly Father for my dear friend where I’m completely safe and close my eyes and fall asleep. Sleeping is not easy for me, I have lots of nightmares, but last night I slept soundly through the whole night and woke up counting my blessings and just a little stronger a little better. One foot in front of the other.
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity