​New Year’s Resolutions?
What goals are you going to set?
What does the new year hold for you?
Out with the old, in with the new?
What are you leaving behind?
Restart?
New Start?
Goals?

The list goes on of what the New Year means to each of us, but for most it means some kind of fresh start, a new look at life.

About 20 years ago I got involved with volunteering in the schools and was deeply involved.  I would average about 40 hours a week between the different schools, programs, classrooms, etc.  Around that time in my life I found that ringing in the new year looked very different to me.  Due to school getting out in May, having the summer break and starting school in August that was really my reset.  That was where we as a family would reset, review our habits and what things did we want to do better.  We’d also review our schedules and what things we might want to let go and things we were adding to our schedules.  With starting school we’d evaluate meals and what things we would eat.  We’d all get priesthood blessings to help us with what direction the Lord wanted us to each personally take.  We still do so many of these things in August, but where the boys are all at different stages, only one left in school and volunteering looks different so August isn’t the same restart, new year feel. 

​Due to the pattern of my life over the last 20 years New Years Eve, New Year’s hasn’t felt too big.  It hasn’t felt like it was something I was really evaluating and looking at deeply for myself personally or for my family.  Now, it was definitely a deep breath and review for all of the things I volunteered for on how to make things the best in the schools for the next 5 months, but not personally.  

I remember distinctly 5 years ago today feeling so differently about the new year.  In October I had sent Michael off on his full time mission to Washington.  This was before the weekly calls with missionaries.  This was when it was 30 minute calls 4 times over the two years.  We had talked to him on Christmas and that was lots of fun, but honestly I felt that mom worry about him.  I could tell things weren’t great with him and his companion and he was super nervous.  The last Sunday of the year I was at church and I was visiting with a very good friend after Sacrament Meeting and she made the comment, “This next year will be the hardest, because it’s the one year you don’t see your missionary at all.” 

With this in mind and the “mom worry” factor I was at my parent’s home on New Year’s Eve and for the first time I just felt down.  I didn’t want to ring in the new year at all.  I didn’t want to go into the year where I wouldn’t see my son at all.  I was wondering how he was doing, was he sitting in his apartment on New Year’s Eve, how was he feeling about going into the new year, was he missing our family traditions, etc.  As I write this I kindof chuckle thinking, wow, I sure was mind reading, something I’ve learned and come to understand so much better from counseling.

​I remember distinctly I was sitting at my parents kitchen table, amongst all of my family having a great time, it was around 9:00 - 9:30 p.m. and I had said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to let me know that my son was alright, that he was happy and being taken care of.  I had told Heavenly Father I didn’t need a lot, just something to help me ring in the new year.  I was sitting next to my mom and my dad was standing by the fireplace and I was looking at my phone.  I really didn’t know what my phone was going to do for me, but I just needed something. . .AND THEN a picture popped in my messenger of Michael.  Not only a picture, but video and a message from a member in his ward letting me know that he and his companion were over having pizza, having a nerf war and doing great!  OH MY GOSH!!!  It was such a direct answer to my prayer.  It was all I needed.  I was so happy.  I had so much peace.  I knew Michael was being taken care of.

That was the start of a friendship that has turned into more of an eternal family relationship.  I’m super grateful to be their son’s grandma and for the boys to be his uncle and for all of the love that is shared between all of us.

So, now this year - 2021???  I’ve seen soooo many jokes and memes and all kinds of things about how do we look at 2021.  Wow!  Not only has the world been through alot, but our country, each of us individually and it seems to have been a year that has brought much for all of us.

​And then there’s this looking to 2022. . .what is in store?  How much longer will Covid last?  Where is our country heading?  What’s in store for each one of us?  What are the challenges or things that we can hold onto with hope and look forward to?

For me, well, I have to say 2021 has been HARD!!!!  I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling.  What has made it so that more of us are feeling the HARD vs the great variety of feelings?  

As I reflect on this last year I started the year out healing from shoulder surgery.  I had surgery on December 28th, my oxygen dropped and I ended up back in the hospital and the very long recovery.  I went through physical therapy for my shoulder, hips and lower back.  Spent a good majority of the year in physical therapy.  Despite the physical therapy I faced a loss of motion with my shoulder that doesn’t allow me to do certain things by myself anymore.  I’ve become more dependent.  Rick and I faced some pretty hard decisions and really wondered if we’d make it married - divorce was definitely included in our conversations for awhile.  We’ve worked super hard to remove that option.  Went through three back procedures.  Went through a handful of tests to figure out bleeding, bleeding that couldn’t be explained and shouldn’t be happening and the pain was excruciating.  Not only did I face medical challenges, but Rick went through knee surgery and his own medical things.  We add in Tanner and his many injuries from shoulder to ankles and the list goes on.  I spent the year in counseling and most of my family in counseling - super hard, challenging, exhausting, but some great wins.

​Then we add to the list Brayden’s service mission.  Yes, a great blessing, but some extreme challenges.  Challenges that took great faith to get through.  Brayden was released from his service mission the end of March.  Then the transition to work, he and Sarah and their relationship and then their wedding in November.  Of course, we love Sarah and are so happy she’s a part of our family, but weddings bring a whole different adventure and challenge and it’s something that can bring about many different difficulties.

Zachary graduated from high school and that brings life changes.  Friends going off to college, Zach sorting through what he wants to do and finding his individuality and his future and plans.  Love it, love that he’s progressing and sorting through what he wants to do, but another big change in life for all of us.

On July 1st Rick lost his job of 8 years.  It was very unexpected and a huge surprise.  We felt peaceful, but now it was time to look for another job.  What was next?  It’s a big stress for a family, for a marriage, for life.  We were blessed with Rick finding a new job by the end of July and starting a few weeks later, that brought much relief.

​What we didn’t know was what was in store next. . .the worst thing that could happen in my life.  My dad, mom and sister got covid the end of July.  My dad ended up in the hospital, then back home and we thought of course he would get better, but nope, that wasn’t in the plans.  He died!!!!  My dad died!  I can’t even put into words how painful this was for me, for my boys, for Rick, for all of us.  I felt like a mudslide had come over me and I couldn’t breathe.  I didn’t want to go on.  I was numb.  In pain.  Angry.  Doubting what I felt and believed.  How could this happen?  This wasn’t on the calendar.  This wasn’t a part of the plan.  Hadn’t 2021 been hard enough?  Hadn’t the trials been heaped upon us heavy enough?  How in the hell could I lose my dad?  

My dad lost consciousness on Saturday, August 14th and Rick was to start his new job on the 16th and Tanner was to start school on the 17th.  Then we lived the worst hell that week, hoping and praying and fasting and priesthood blessings and trying everything possible the doctors and anyone suggested to try with my dad to save him, but no, it wasn’t meant to be.  He died on August 22nd.

Then a funeral, my parent’s 50th a couple of weeks later that my dad had been so excited about and now wasn’t alive for and planning a wedding.  All of this while Rick was starting a new job.  It was too much!  Between a tough situation at work, emotionally driven boss with a temper and shame based words on a frequent basis it was too much.  In December we were unemployed again.

Not only did I face the loss of my dad, but there were other losses.  First, was my mind.  I did, I lost my mind.  I also had an abundance of abandonment tenderness flooding me and I was scared to death of more losses.

I keep thinking, should I delete some of this, should I end this blog while it was happy and all good, I don’t want this to feel like a downer post, should I be this real, but you know what, this is real life.  This is what my life has looked like this year.  The challenges and hardships and heartbreak have been almost enough to break me, in fact, I would dare say, in a way they have broke me.  I’m broken.  I’m broken and you know what, I’m beautiful.

I’ve faced a very hard Gethsemane this year.  I’ve shed tears, so many tears that honestly I didn’t know if I would stop crying.  I’ve wondered if I could possibly survive another minute.  I’ve literally had to get to the point at times that I did live from minute to minute.  I thought about the next breath I would be taking.  I would have to think to myself, live just right in this moment with those that are right in front of you.  Who’s right here?  Alright, can you trust them, do they love you? And sometimes I couldn’t even think about those questions, I just lived, took the next breath and knew that the Lord would surround me with love, with those who really loved me and even if he didn’t I was alright, I would be alright, I somehow could be strong.

​Through these very difficult things this year, there’s something that’s happened that’s much greater than any of these challenges.  I’ve come to understand, love and have confidence in MYSELF!  I know me and love me!  My heart has been unlocked.  In fact, it’s out of its cage and its feeling love deeper than it’s ever felt before - I’m feeling love deeper and greater than ever before.  With that love I’ve come to understand and feel and have the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior become much more a part of my life, in the very small details of the details of the details of my life.  I’ve come to understand trust - real, sincere and a faith promoting trust.  I’ve felt a greater discernment of people who are good for me in my life.  I understand boundaries, healthy, happy, safe, good boundaries.  Those who are in my life and have chosen to be in my life - the value of real friendships and family, not just by blood.  I’ve come to understand and value and appreciate different levels of friendships, space and what’s best and healthy.

Not only all of these things, but I’ve been able to share my journey.  I’ve been able to share my story.  The Lord has prompted me for over 25 years to do certain things and this year and even more recently in December I’ve been given opportunities that were promised to me years ago that when I was ready the opportunities would come and they are coming.  Many opportunities are coming and I’m living life with excitement.  A new light.  A new love.

This doesn’t mean bad days, bad moments, bad experiences, trials and challenges don’t come, in fact, this week has been one for the books!  You know why, because Satan doesn’t want all of these great things for me.  I have setbacks, I fall down to my knees, I sob, I get scared, but I’ve got the tools, I’ve got the strength, the belief in myself, a greater testimony that gives me power to move forward, to do the good that I know is in me, to bless others lives and to open other opportunities that will lead me to others that I can bless and will bless my life.  Satan has held me back long enough, he’s held me captive to the abuse and the awful abusive belief’s that have caused me pain, so much pain.  It’s time to use that abuse, the experiences, the strength I’ve had to move forward and build on it!  Bless others’ lives!

​So, I’m moving forward.  I’m excited for 2022 and I’m super grateful for 2021.  I’m excited to build on all that has happened and use those experiences to grow and progress in this life, to become better and love me!  Love with all of my heart!  In a way I’m sad to leave behind 2021, the last time I saw my dad alive, but I have his memories, his pictures, videos and his life example that will always live on in me.  Here’s to 2022. . .and whatever is to come, with the Lord’s help, I can do it!   

​Both Rick and I had been to our primary care physician this week for our annual check ups.  We both needed blood work and Tanner and I had both been to the lab at our doctors office this week and things hadn’t quite worked out so our doctor suggested that Rick and I go over to the hospital to get our blood drawn.  

I have super terrible veins.  They are small, don’t like needles and over the last 10 years of having blood drawn every 3 - 4 months I generally have to be poked many times, dug around in my arm, vein finder and lots of other tricks to get blood.  I have to make sure I drink lots of water the day before, keep warm, etc.  I’ve asked for all of the possible tricks so that I can help when I go in.  As an example of how bad my veins are when I went in for my hysterectomy several years ago the anesthesiologist wasn’t super patient and after a few attempts at a normal place he said I’m in a hurry and put the IV in my neck - ya it hurt and was a super pain the couple of days I was in the hospital.

So, yesterday morning Rick and I both went to the hospital for our blood work.  We’re greeted by a kind worker who confirms we are wearing our masks, gives us a squirt of hand sanitizer and gets us checked in - due to covid the worker enters our names on the computer.  Then we’re invited to sit down anywhere we’d like in the lobby and wait for registration.

​The hospital is super busy.  People coming and going.  The parking lot was packed full of cars.  I’m guessing getting last minute things taken care of before insurance starts over, but then I’m sure for many there wasn’t a choice and they needed to be there.  Maybe family coming to visit their loved ones.  Some visiting, some smiling, some looking very heavy trodden - I find myself watching people and if I make eye contact I always love to smile and say hi in hopes of brightening someone’s day.

Also, there was a sign as we walked in the hospital to wipe off our feet to help keep the floors dry, clean and for the safety of everyone.  It had been snowing, mixed with rain, so there was lots of mud and could easily make things dirty in the hospital.

As Rick and I were getting checked in to go to registration I noticed a young lady in a beautiful black dress, with her harp and setting her music out to start playing off in the corner.  As she started to play I thought to myself, “I just want to sit here all day and listen to her play.”  She was playing beautiful Christmas music.  I didn’t feel in a rush, honestly I could listen to her music and use some relaxation for a few minutes.

We were called up to registration shortly after our check in with the greeter.  The kind lady helping us decided to check us both in quickly instead of having us take the tablets and go back and sit down.  Due to covid there’s no chairs at the registration desk anymore.  The lady was checking Rick in first.  She asked for his drivers license, insurance card and was needing his signature and initials.

​There was someone in the background vacuuming the entryway, trying to keep it clean.  The greeters were checking in other people, there were people talking in the lobby - there was lots of noise and things going on, but I had zoned out to where I just heard the harp.  I heard the other sounds, but they weren’t affecting the beauty of the harp music.  I was so focused on the music that I think the lady doing the registration wondered if I was alright and she apologized for not having chairs for us to sit in and I shared with her I was totally fine and that I was just enjoying the harp music.  She commented how it was a beautiful sound to the day and I commented on how it seems so symbolic of life - how there’s so much going on around us, lots of noises, things to do, but there is beauty to be found among everything.

Both Rick and I got registered, checked in for the blood draws and asked to have a seat and wait to be called back.  We were just a little bit around the corner and down the hall from the harp, but if we sat in the right place we’d be able to hear the beautiful music so we did.  I just wanted to close my eyes and take in the beauty.  Life definitely brings so much commotion.  I thought about all of the different reasons people might come to the hospital, the reasons Rick and I were at the hospital getting blood drawn and thinking about the test I’d be having next week and hope that we could find some answers.

​They called us back and I was joking with the girl that took us back that my veins are super difficult and she said we’ve got this.  After two attempts she didn’t have it.  She felt so bad and said let me go get someone else.  In comes a guy that was super nice and did all he could to get the blood drawn and he got a trickle, but the blood clotted and it didn’t work out.  After two pokes he felt bad and said let me go get the best one here.  A cute girl came in and they were all talking to me, feeling bad and I told them we are all on the same team.  I know they did their best and I’m grateful for their efforts and I was doing great!  I’m grateful they gave it their best and honestly all I wanted was to have my blood drawn so I didn’t have to come back again.  Plus, I can’t start on some medication until the blood is drawn so that we have a baseline and I was ready for that to happen.

As I left the hospital yesterday I was grateful for the commotion.  I was grateful for the interactions I had with the different people at the hospital.  I was super grateful for the harp music.  For the beauty this young lady brought to all of us that were at the hospital for different reasons.  For the reminder that we are all in this together.  There is beauty all around us, we just have to choose if we will recognize it and choose to tune out the commotion to find it when things get really hard.

​December has been a month of wins for me.  Of course, there have been moments of setbacks and times of tears and sadness, but those aren’t losses, those are a part of life.  

First, normally I’m one that attends parties, goes to things, interacts with people, but in the process of that I’m making lists of what’s next, who do I need to be talking to, making a list of to do’s and my stress level is high in December.  This month I found myself living in the moments.  I didn’t have a checklist.  I didn’t think about what was next and honestly, my stress level stayed pretty low.  I got much less done this month, I didn’t get Christmas packages mailed out on time and we didn’t do as many activities, but that was alright.  Things didn’t come off as perfection as I would have normally wanted it to, but it came off as an enjoyable level of great, just the way I would want it.

Rick was facing much emotional distress at work.  He was coming home everyday very beat down.  In fact, I hadn’t realized how bad things were getting for him until I told him I would support him in his decision and he went in early one Monday morning and turned in his stuff and quit.  He came home a different person, his spirits were lifted.  He came home that day and got many things accomplished, was able to do many Santa jobs throughout the month and together we made it through December.  Normally I would be high stressed and put a lot of pressure on Rick to find a job and lose sleep, but I found much peace and together our marriage has grown even stronger.  We are a team!

​The end of November I was asked to speak at the Relief Society Christmas activity.  I was very prayerful and sought to know the Lord’s will.  I wanted to be able to bless the sisters’ lives in our ward and knew that this wasn’t my words, but the Lord’s words that would do that.  As I prepared things came together very smoothly.  I was able to put together a booklet for each of the sisters and share personal experiences and things that I’ve learned over the last couple of years.  I shared my story - first time sharing a very personal piece of me in a public setting in front of many people.  I felt the Lord guiding me and I’m so grateful for all of those that have visited with me since that evening and shared their personal experiences and things that I shared that they connected with and made a positive difference in their lives.

I’ve found joy in the journey and in December despite the loss of my dad.  I shed tears, I missed him, I sobbed in the Dollar Store, but as I was at my parents home I found laughter, joy and so much love.  I felt my dad.  I had spiritual experiences in December that brought me great peace.  I believe those experiences came, because I was in a great place, healing and open to feeling love and recognizing who I am.  

It’s not all been Santa and happiness and laughter and wins, but I’ve honestly found a level of confidence and personal love for myself that I’ve never felt.

​AND THEN THIS WEEK HAPPENED. . .
Sunday night I had some pretty deep, hard, disheartening nightmares.

Monday I went to counseling and there were good things, but as I shared the nightmare my counselor challenged me to write myself a letter. As I’ve thought about that nightmare what I thought it represented, it was so much deeper and I’ve not been sure I’ve been ready to face this part. 

I went in for my annual physical and there’s concerns.  There’s things that I’ve felt worried about.  I’m going in for an echocardiogram on my heart next Tuesday and blood work.  I’m praying for positive answers, but I’ve felt some concerns.

And then I woke up this morning and there was a darkness over me that I didn’t know how to fight!  It felt super heavy and all encompassing - I could feel the darkness in my thoughts, in my heart, in every part of me.  My thoughts were super messed up.  They were the old thoughts.  I felt I only deserved rejection.  I wanted to reach out to those who reject me.  Who don’t love me.  Who treat me so poorly I might as well be on the ground and let them walk on me.  I believed so deeply that I couldn’t make a difference.  That I wasn’t enough.  There was no way I could be loved.  I wanted to go to the space that I’ve felt most comfortable most of my life - I was a burden, couldn’t mean anything to anyone.  I felt angry with those that love me the most.  I thought through those that have been my greatest supporters, those who have helped me break bad cycles, those that have loved me unconditionally, who have been there when I’ve wanted to make really dumb decisions, to walk myself back into unhealthy circumstances.  I found myself thinking why would they take me away from these things in my life.  Why would they talk me into choosing happiness and love?  I couldn’t shake the feelings.

​The thing is, I felt so strongly that today was the day I needed to start writing my book, start making an outline - I had a very clear vision of what I needed to do.  I’ve got a plan - a great plan!  I’m so excited about the plan.  I’m so excited to share what I’ve learned and bless others’ live’s.  I’m so excited to share what the Lord has blessed me with.  February 1995 I was given a priesthood blessing that has guided me to this day.  To this opportunity.

All I could think this morning was that Satan didn’t want this to happen.  Satan was going to trash me and pull me back and take away all of the growth, cause me to make mistakes and do things to fall backwards.  Invite people into my life that have beat me down.  The problem was the darkness was so super real and heavy that I couldn’t talk to Rick or find the strength to believe I deserved anything different.

BUT, with all that I’ve learned, all of the tools I’ve gained, all I could say to Rick was I need a blessing.  Rick didn’t ask any questions or say anymore, he said alright, let’s do a blessing right now.  Without sharing anything the priesthood blessing was EXACTLY what I needed.  A blessing of peace.  A blessing of guidance and direction.  There was a point our dog started to bark through the blessing and the feeling I had was that this is what Satan does, he wants to disrupt the spirit, the good things we’re going to do or are doing.  He doesn’t want good.

It’s been a little more rough today, but also filled with great blessings and helped me see even greater what I have to share, what Heavenly Father wants from me.  I’m so excited!  I’m grateful for the tools and strength I had today to push through, to recognize the darkness and not give into it!  Light wins!  Light is what gives us the greatest happiness and peace, even in times of greatest trials. 

​Alright, long story short, this last year I had a situation.  A situation that honestly doesn’t make any sense, but yet does it?  Throughout the year I thought it made sense. . .someone in my life, became close to the family, it seemed happy, natural and fun and we’d chat, talk and they’d stop by and say hi often.  Honestly, they brought a lot of laughter and carefree feeling into my life.  Helped me feel young and forget about some of the high stresses of life - an outlet for me.  It all made sense at the time. . .or did it?

Then August came around. . .the Perry’s came into town, we had lots of fun, our family friend came over and joined in on the fun, but something felt different or did it?  While the Perry’s were here my dad went into the hospital on Wednesday with Covid.  Then my sister went into the hospital and my mom was at home really sick with Covid.  Saturday as a family we got a message that the adults needed to meet at my parent’s home.  We found out my dad lost consciousness and it didn’t look good.  We wanted to have all of the faith in the world that he’d pull through, but deep down it just didn’t feel he would make it.  The loss was starting to feel super deep and painful.  The Perry’s left on Sunday, the next week was super long and painful and by the next Sunday my dad had passed away.

There was distance with this friend, but honestly there was distance with pretty much everyone in my life.  I had done all of this counseling for almost 2 years and I felt like I was a part of a mudslide and I was buried.  I couldn’t breathe.  I had been abandoned.  Whether it was my dad chose to leave or Heavenly Father took him, either way, it was so painful and it just couldn’t be time for my dad to leave this Earth.  I just knew that everyone would leave my life.

​Once the funeral was over I found myself clinging more to this friend.  I could feel a shift in our friendship and I was grasping at straws.  I couldn’t lose my dad and this friend and myself and what was happening to my life?  It was spiraling out of control?  In a way I just wanted to be with my dad, I felt like a child screaming out and no one could hear me.  That darn mudslide was suffocating me.

By September this person, who was such a part of our family, who made me laugh and more carefree was GONE!  The stress of it was awful!  I can’t even explain all of it. . .all I can say is I was super grateful I was in counseling every week to help me through all of the loss in my life and digging out of the mudslide.  I wanted to give up the fight!  I wanted to just say, never mind, everything I had learned and gained in the last couple of years I could throw out the window and go back to tasks and to-do lists, including me being a checklist.  I didn’t want to feel anymore.

Eventually I said to my counselor I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!  It’s been a couple of months and I can’t get over this loss of this friend for myself and our family.  In fact 2 ½ months later I reached out to this friend and just said “Do you hate me?”  The answer was no, but the conversation wasn’t pleasant.  It was painful.  Why????  I’ve never in my life held onto something - I just moved on with my life.  I’ve always been able to move past any friendship, relationship - whatever.  Alright, because of my healing I allowed myself to care, invest and love deeply.  Was that it????  If that’s what “it” is then heaven, let’s turn off all of these feelings.  Definitely not worth it!!!!  This isn’t growth!  This is PAIN!!!

​FINALLY, one Monday in counseling I just dumped it ALL!!!  Rick was there with me and I just shared it all - everything, all of my crazy feelings, why couldn’t I move on, why does this hurt so much, why do I long to understand what happened, why did I ever trust that there was a friendship, that someone cared about me and my family and the list went on!  

I thought FOR SURE my counselor would think I was CRAZY!!!  I was CRAZY!  I’ve known I was being stupid, an idiot, dumb and losing my mind.  I’m surrounded by love - people who don’t lie to me, who sincerely care about me and love me.  Why would I ever want someone in my life that spells out REJECTION perfectly!  Someone who said they cared, who chose to leave my life and my family’s life right while my dad was dying - the greatest loss of my life.  How could I have ever believed they cared - I was definitely stupid and realized I couldn’t trust my judgement.

He looked at me and said it all makes sense.  WHAT????  HOW IN THE WORLD COULD THIS MAKE SENSE????  He went to ABANDONMENT TENDERNESS - what I’ve dealt with my whole life.  It’s one of my greatest weaknesses - well, probably, overall my greatest weakness that I need to work through and heal.

​Through the loss of my dad, loss of this friend - this person doesn’t represent just one friendship, but the hope of healing all of my past.  The hope that if I got their acceptance, their friendship, could prove myself to them to want to stay in my life and my family’s life that it would heal all of my past, that I could finally be enough for all of these years of pain.

Well, REJECTION has been a huge part of my life with people in my life.  Definitely has come with all of my past abuse.  I always prayed I could be enough for my abusers.  I’ve never been able to be mad at my abusers.  I’ve felt bad for them.  I’ve wanted the best for them.  I’ve prayed for them.  I thought if I could just be enough for all of these abusers they would have stayed.  And now, now the ULTIMATE REJECTION through losing my dad and losing a friend all in the same timeframe.  When would I be enough?

It’s now been almost 4 months and I still miss this friend - I wish with all my heart things could have been different, but they weren’t and they are not.  Today we got together with all of my family and exchanged gifts, had dinner, remembered my dad, shed many tears and dang the pain of missing my dad was super deep.  There was still definitely laughter and lots of fun.  We wanted to remember dad in a positive way too.

As I came home tonight I started feeling anger. . .I’ve not felt ANGER!!!!  Anger is something that I struggle with.  At first tonight I found myself feeling ANGER towards this friend, well, not friend, but was a friend.  I wanted to scream at them and say why, why do things have to be this way?  Why can’t you come back around the family?  Why can’t you say hi to me?  Why can’t there be peace and a friendship?  It’s Christmas - I don’t understand.  This isn’t how I saw things being.  I felt soooo much ANGER!!!!

AND THEN, I thought about all that I’ve learned in counseling and understanding Abandonment Tenderness and I thought this ANGER has nothing to do with this person, it has all to do with my past.  It has all to do with my past abusers.  AND I started redirecting my questions to, “Why did you hurt me?  Why did you think it was alright to do what you did to me?  Why did you see that I was no value?  Why did you think what you did was alright - why did you treat me like an object, someone with no feelings?  All I wanted to do was SCREAM TONIGHT!!!!  I wanted to scream at these abusers - those in my past that have caused me so much pain for so many years.  

First time ever to really stay in this space. . .I’m super grateful for this ANGER!!!  I’m super grateful to understand better what I’m really going through.  That this is a step in the right direction for my healing.  I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I’m happier than I ever thought I could be.  I’m much more confident and have so much more to give and to share and to bless others lives than I ever thought possible.  I recognize love!  Real love!  BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF.

There’s still pain.  There’s still healing.  There’s still more to come in my journey, but I’ve climbed out of the mudslide, climbed the mountain again and finding joy in the journey.  I’m in a better place.  A new place.  A healthier place.  I’m understanding myself so much better and that makes all the difference in the world.