WHO WINS???

​December has been a month of wins for me.  Of course, there have been moments of setbacks and times of tears and sadness, but those aren’t losses, those are a part of life.  

First, normally I’m one that attends parties, goes to things, interacts with people, but in the process of that I’m making lists of what’s next, who do I need to be talking to, making a list of to do’s and my stress level is high in December.  This month I found myself living in the moments.  I didn’t have a checklist.  I didn’t think about what was next and honestly, my stress level stayed pretty low.  I got much less done this month, I didn’t get Christmas packages mailed out on time and we didn’t do as many activities, but that was alright.  Things didn’t come off as perfection as I would have normally wanted it to, but it came off as an enjoyable level of great, just the way I would want it.

Rick was facing much emotional distress at work.  He was coming home everyday very beat down.  In fact, I hadn’t realized how bad things were getting for him until I told him I would support him in his decision and he went in early one Monday morning and turned in his stuff and quit.  He came home a different person, his spirits were lifted.  He came home that day and got many things accomplished, was able to do many Santa jobs throughout the month and together we made it through December.  Normally I would be high stressed and put a lot of pressure on Rick to find a job and lose sleep, but I found much peace and together our marriage has grown even stronger.  We are a team!

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​The end of November I was asked to speak at the Relief Society Christmas activity.  I was very prayerful and sought to know the Lord’s will.  I wanted to be able to bless the sisters’ lives in our ward and knew that this wasn’t my words, but the Lord’s words that would do that.  As I prepared things came together very smoothly.  I was able to put together a booklet for each of the sisters and share personal experiences and things that I’ve learned over the last couple of years.  I shared my story - first time sharing a very personal piece of me in a public setting in front of many people.  I felt the Lord guiding me and I’m so grateful for all of those that have visited with me since that evening and shared their personal experiences and things that I shared that they connected with and made a positive difference in their lives.

I’ve found joy in the journey and in December despite the loss of my dad.  I shed tears, I missed him, I sobbed in the Dollar Store, but as I was at my parents home I found laughter, joy and so much love.  I felt my dad.  I had spiritual experiences in December that brought me great peace.  I believe those experiences came, because I was in a great place, healing and open to feeling love and recognizing who I am.  

It’s not all been Santa and happiness and laughter and wins, but I’ve honestly found a level of confidence and personal love for myself that I’ve never felt.

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​AND THEN THIS WEEK HAPPENED. . .
Sunday night I had some pretty deep, hard, disheartening nightmares.

Monday I went to counseling and there were good things, but as I shared the nightmare my counselor challenged me to write myself a letter. As I’ve thought about that nightmare what I thought it represented, it was so much deeper and I’ve not been sure I’ve been ready to face this part. 

I went in for my annual physical and there’s concerns.  There’s things that I’ve felt worried about.  I’m going in for an echocardiogram on my heart next Tuesday and blood work.  I’m praying for positive answers, but I’ve felt some concerns.

And then I woke up this morning and there was a darkness over me that I didn’t know how to fight!  It felt super heavy and all encompassing - I could feel the darkness in my thoughts, in my heart, in every part of me.  My thoughts were super messed up.  They were the old thoughts.  I felt I only deserved rejection.  I wanted to reach out to those who reject me.  Who don’t love me.  Who treat me so poorly I might as well be on the ground and let them walk on me.  I believed so deeply that I couldn’t make a difference.  That I wasn’t enough.  There was no way I could be loved.  I wanted to go to the space that I’ve felt most comfortable most of my life - I was a burden, couldn’t mean anything to anyone.  I felt angry with those that love me the most.  I thought through those that have been my greatest supporters, those who have helped me break bad cycles, those that have loved me unconditionally, who have been there when I’ve wanted to make really dumb decisions, to walk myself back into unhealthy circumstances.  I found myself thinking why would they take me away from these things in my life.  Why would they talk me into choosing happiness and love?  I couldn’t shake the feelings.

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​The thing is, I felt so strongly that today was the day I needed to start writing my book, start making an outline - I had a very clear vision of what I needed to do.  I’ve got a plan - a great plan!  I’m so excited about the plan.  I’m so excited to share what I’ve learned and bless others’ live’s.  I’m so excited to share what the Lord has blessed me with.  February 1995 I was given a priesthood blessing that has guided me to this day.  To this opportunity.

All I could think this morning was that Satan didn’t want this to happen.  Satan was going to trash me and pull me back and take away all of the growth, cause me to make mistakes and do things to fall backwards.  Invite people into my life that have beat me down.  The problem was the darkness was so super real and heavy that I couldn’t talk to Rick or find the strength to believe I deserved anything different.

BUT, with all that I’ve learned, all of the tools I’ve gained, all I could say to Rick was I need a blessing.  Rick didn’t ask any questions or say anymore, he said alright, let’s do a blessing right now.  Without sharing anything the priesthood blessing was EXACTLY what I needed.  A blessing of peace.  A blessing of guidance and direction.  There was a point our dog started to bark through the blessing and the feeling I had was that this is what Satan does, he wants to disrupt the spirit, the good things we’re going to do or are doing.  He doesn’t want good.

It’s been a little more rough today, but also filled with great blessings and helped me see even greater what I have to share, what Heavenly Father wants from me.  I’m so excited!  I’m grateful for the tools and strength I had today to push through, to recognize the darkness and not give into it!  Light wins!  Light is what gives us the greatest happiness and peace, even in times of greatest trials. 

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