I Just Want to Scream!!!

​Alright, long story short, this last year I had a situation.  A situation that honestly doesn’t make any sense, but yet does it?  Throughout the year I thought it made sense. . .someone in my life, became close to the family, it seemed happy, natural and fun and we’d chat, talk and they’d stop by and say hi often.  Honestly, they brought a lot of laughter and carefree feeling into my life.  Helped me feel young and forget about some of the high stresses of life - an outlet for me.  It all made sense at the time. . .or did it?

Then August came around. . .the Perry’s came into town, we had lots of fun, our family friend came over and joined in on the fun, but something felt different or did it?  While the Perry’s were here my dad went into the hospital on Wednesday with Covid.  Then my sister went into the hospital and my mom was at home really sick with Covid.  Saturday as a family we got a message that the adults needed to meet at my parent’s home.  We found out my dad lost consciousness and it didn’t look good.  We wanted to have all of the faith in the world that he’d pull through, but deep down it just didn’t feel he would make it.  The loss was starting to feel super deep and painful.  The Perry’s left on Sunday, the next week was super long and painful and by the next Sunday my dad had passed away.

There was distance with this friend, but honestly there was distance with pretty much everyone in my life.  I had done all of this counseling for almost 2 years and I felt like I was a part of a mudslide and I was buried.  I couldn’t breathe.  I had been abandoned.  Whether it was my dad chose to leave or Heavenly Father took him, either way, it was so painful and it just couldn’t be time for my dad to leave this Earth.  I just knew that everyone would leave my life.

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​Once the funeral was over I found myself clinging more to this friend.  I could feel a shift in our friendship and I was grasping at straws.  I couldn’t lose my dad and this friend and myself and what was happening to my life?  It was spiraling out of control?  In a way I just wanted to be with my dad, I felt like a child screaming out and no one could hear me.  That darn mudslide was suffocating me.

By September this person, who was such a part of our family, who made me laugh and more carefree was GONE!  The stress of it was awful!  I can’t even explain all of it. . .all I can say is I was super grateful I was in counseling every week to help me through all of the loss in my life and digging out of the mudslide.  I wanted to give up the fight!  I wanted to just say, never mind, everything I had learned and gained in the last couple of years I could throw out the window and go back to tasks and to-do lists, including me being a checklist.  I didn’t want to feel anymore.

Eventually I said to my counselor I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!  It’s been a couple of months and I can’t get over this loss of this friend for myself and our family.  In fact 2 ½ months later I reached out to this friend and just said “Do you hate me?”  The answer was no, but the conversation wasn’t pleasant.  It was painful.  Why????  I’ve never in my life held onto something - I just moved on with my life.  I’ve always been able to move past any friendship, relationship - whatever.  Alright, because of my healing I allowed myself to care, invest and love deeply.  Was that it????  If that’s what “it” is then heaven, let’s turn off all of these feelings.  Definitely not worth it!!!!  This isn’t growth!  This is PAIN!!!

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​FINALLY, one Monday in counseling I just dumped it ALL!!!  Rick was there with me and I just shared it all - everything, all of my crazy feelings, why couldn’t I move on, why does this hurt so much, why do I long to understand what happened, why did I ever trust that there was a friendship, that someone cared about me and my family and the list went on!  

I thought FOR SURE my counselor would think I was CRAZY!!!  I was CRAZY!  I’ve known I was being stupid, an idiot, dumb and losing my mind.  I’m surrounded by love - people who don’t lie to me, who sincerely care about me and love me.  Why would I ever want someone in my life that spells out REJECTION perfectly!  Someone who said they cared, who chose to leave my life and my family’s life right while my dad was dying - the greatest loss of my life.  How could I have ever believed they cared - I was definitely stupid and realized I couldn’t trust my judgement.

He looked at me and said it all makes sense.  WHAT????  HOW IN THE WORLD COULD THIS MAKE SENSE????  He went to ABANDONMENT TENDERNESS - what I’ve dealt with my whole life.  It’s one of my greatest weaknesses - well, probably, overall my greatest weakness that I need to work through and heal.

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​Through the loss of my dad, loss of this friend - this person doesn’t represent just one friendship, but the hope of healing all of my past.  The hope that if I got their acceptance, their friendship, could prove myself to them to want to stay in my life and my family’s life that it would heal all of my past, that I could finally be enough for all of these years of pain.

Well, REJECTION has been a huge part of my life with people in my life.  Definitely has come with all of my past abuse.  I always prayed I could be enough for my abusers.  I’ve never been able to be mad at my abusers.  I’ve felt bad for them.  I’ve wanted the best for them.  I’ve prayed for them.  I thought if I could just be enough for all of these abusers they would have stayed.  And now, now the ULTIMATE REJECTION through losing my dad and losing a friend all in the same timeframe.  When would I be enough?

It’s now been almost 4 months and I still miss this friend - I wish with all my heart things could have been different, but they weren’t and they are not.  Today we got together with all of my family and exchanged gifts, had dinner, remembered my dad, shed many tears and dang the pain of missing my dad was super deep.  There was still definitely laughter and lots of fun.  We wanted to remember dad in a positive way too.

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As I came home tonight I started feeling anger. . .I’ve not felt ANGER!!!!  Anger is something that I struggle with.  At first tonight I found myself feeling ANGER towards this friend, well, not friend, but was a friend.  I wanted to scream at them and say why, why do things have to be this way?  Why can’t you come back around the family?  Why can’t you say hi to me?  Why can’t there be peace and a friendship?  It’s Christmas - I don’t understand.  This isn’t how I saw things being.  I felt soooo much ANGER!!!!

AND THEN, I thought about all that I’ve learned in counseling and understanding Abandonment Tenderness and I thought this ANGER has nothing to do with this person, it has all to do with my past.  It has all to do with my past abusers.  AND I started redirecting my questions to, “Why did you hurt me?  Why did you think it was alright to do what you did to me?  Why did you see that I was no value?  Why did you think what you did was alright - why did you treat me like an object, someone with no feelings?  All I wanted to do was SCREAM TONIGHT!!!!  I wanted to scream at these abusers - those in my past that have caused me so much pain for so many years.  

First time ever to really stay in this space. . .I’m super grateful for this ANGER!!!  I’m super grateful to understand better what I’m really going through.  That this is a step in the right direction for my healing.  I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I’m happier than I ever thought I could be.  I’m much more confident and have so much more to give and to share and to bless others lives than I ever thought possible.  I recognize love!  Real love!  BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF.

There’s still pain.  There’s still healing.  There’s still more to come in my journey, but I’ve climbed out of the mudslide, climbed the mountain again and finding joy in the journey.  I’m in a better place.  A new place.  A healthier place.  I’m understanding myself so much better and that makes all the difference in the world. 

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