Over the last few weeks I’ve had some pretty amazing experiences. I’ve found peace, answers to prayers, a confidence to move forward with dreams, a feeling of love that I’ve not understood before in my life. . .in fact a couple of weeks ago I said to Rick that maybe I was getting to a place in life after 2 years of every week counseling that I could probably go to every other week or start to look at scaling back. I was winning! I was feeling a confidence that was undeniable - my dreams and promptings were finally going to be acted on!!!
AND THEN. . .this week happened. What happened??? I can’t even explain what all happened. Started with an awful nightmare and I was thinking dang, I need to work through this person or that situation, but no, what it really was is that I needed to be there for myself - I needed to look within. I’ve got my support group - people who love me, I’ve got my people, now do I have myself, my own back?
And then hitting a breaking point with one of my son’s. My patience had worn very thin and we were not working well with each other. We were both snappy and what I had been so excited about in our healing and our progress and our relationship becoming so strong felt like it was falling apart, it was going backwards faster than he and I could take steps forward to building. We finally had to have a hard talk. It wasn’t easy - for either of us, but gratefully the love for each other proved to be stronger than the challenges and progress forward is what’s happening now, but it added to the hard week.
I’ve had this goal of being healthy by 50 - um, that’s in 8 months, ya, seems like I make several steps forward, lots more progress over the last couple of years than ever before, but lately, the health hasn’t seemed to be the winning point of my life. Exhaustion, freezing cold, retaining fluids to an extreme level, because of the fluids and swelling in my body I’m in constant pain with my muscles and the list goes on. Just felt discouraging. I’m so grateful for an amazing doctor who knows me, knows my family and he’s there for us - I know he has a love for our family and wants the very best for us. He’s always been right on track with helping our family. I had an appointment this week with him and he listened and is helping me find answers. Lots of blood work this week and then a test on my heart this coming week at the hospital and hopefully this will help us find answers so that I can continue to move forward, continue to fight for my goal of healthy by 50.
I’ve been so excited for my plans, for the book I’m writing, for the opportunity to share what I’ve learned with others. With my confidence and support of a fantastic friend who is going to do the videos with me, I was like we’ve got this. The vision is all coming together. There’s been an excitement that I’ve not ever felt. The new year, here we go. . .oops, nope, not really, let me beat you down, take away your confidence, remind you of how awful you are and you’re not any better than anyone else, in fact, you’ve got nothing to help others, so if you share anything you’re going to look stupid, you’ll have the skeptics, the ones who will criticize you, in fact, the critiques could be those that you hoped for the support from the most. Ya, I woke up one morning this week with an amazing amount of darkness over me. It was in my eyes. I honestly couldn’t feel the light, the hope and such deep darkness in my heart. I laid in bed and was like alright, you’re right, I’m a failure, I’m stupid, I don’t have anything to offer, people don’t really love me and honestly if you put yourself out there you’ll lose more people, I don’t want to lose anyone else, I’ve already lost so many - YOU’RE RIGHT!!!! I’M WORTHLESS!!!! NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WON’T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!!!! I couldn’t talk to Rick, I couldn’t communicate with my boys or with Lindsey or those who say they love me - I had a list of people who I was sure couldn’t support me anymore - it was all of the greats in my life. All of those that have been there for me unconditionally, the ones that I’ve known without any doubt Heavenly Father sent into my life. And then I thought to myself, why would these people support me and help me leave and stay away from those that put me down, that don’t build me up, those that proclaim their distaste in me. The ones who say, I don’t hate you, but stay away!!! You’ve messed up and maybe someday I’ll forgive you and maybe someday we can be friends again - when I decide I’ll let you know. Why would these great people, who are there for me every single day, every minute of the day, talk me into not being in these types of people’s lives? Why wouldn’t they want me to work harder to prove myself so I can have these loving, loyal, great friends in my life?
I finally got out of bed, I finally got myself ready that morning. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t say anything. I was scared to share. I was terrified like a child. I couldn’t trust anyone. After hours of struggling on my own I said to Rick, “I need a priesthood blessing.” It’s all I could say. I couldn’t find the words to explain what was going on. I honestly couldn’t even explain why I needed a blessing, but I was just hoping with all of my heart that a blessing could cast out this darkness. I wanted to tell myself these things were lies, but were they. These were things I’d believed about myself for so many years. I’ve never wanted to lose people in my life. I’d beg, I do anything to keep people in my life. Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it - PLEASE DON’T GO!!!! Please don’t go my friend, my dad, myself. . .anyone, everyone. I’ll be anything. Please forgive me. I know I’ve messed up. I know I’m a mistake. I promise I’ll do better, I’ll be better, just love me! This last year that’s not been enough in so many ways, in so many circumstances. My dad, friends and the list goes on. Even at points I felt Heavenly Father and the Savior. In fact, that’s what the week started with. . .the nightmare and even myself! I wasn’t there for myself. I’ve abandoned myself over and over.
The priesthood blessing was AMAZING!!!! In fact, when I opened my eyes I saw light. I felt light. The words, oh my gosh, I knew every one of those words came from my Heavenly Father. I knew there were things that my dad wanted me to know - I’m loved. Cast those words of doubt out. My husband, oh my gosh, his love is seriously the best! I can’t even put into words his love for me and I feel it, I know it, I’m not scared, he’s here, he’s not going anywhere. He represents so much of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. He lives so close to the spirit that he’s ready at any moment to give me a priesthood blessing. The peace and hope from the blessings was so strong. Cast you out Satan!!! I’m not going to let you beat me. I have great things to share. And those who don’t like it, well, hopefully they can find what they are looking for from others, but I know, from a priesthood blessing 26 years ago and over the years that I went through these life experiences for a reason and its to share, help others, I’ve ALWAYS loved helping others. I’ve gained sooooo much and grown and been blessed it’s time, it’s time to bless others.
Well, that wasn’t the end of my challenging week. A big blow up. I lost my temper. I was super hurt! I struggle with being told or my family being told they are not being responsible. I struggle being told how something needs to be done by others when it wasn’t their responsibility and we had a plan. I’m no longer motivated by guilt or shame, in fact it triggers me to another extreme. I’m working on my extremes - definitely something I’m still working on. Loss of my dad isn’t the only loss I’ve felt this year. There’s so many dynamics to loss and everyone has to work through things in their own individual ways. The things that happened with this situation triggered immense feelings of the other losses I had felt through my dad passing. I’m tired of being the bad guy. I’m tired of being called out in front of others when it’s not others business. Humiliation is the word that comes to mind. I’m tired of being humiliated and feeling less than. I’m an equal in this situation, in many of these types of situations that come up.
I can’t go into specific details on this situation, but what I can say is this was such a painful situation for me that I had to withdraw. I couldn’t stop sobbing. Sobbing like a child. There wasn’t anything that could stop the tears. Normally in these types of situations I would run, I would take off by myself and thoughts, sometimes my thoughts would get the better of me. These are very deep rooted, some of the deepest hardest words that play over and over in my mind. It’s some of the places that I wish the most I could be accepted, that I could be enough, but when I snap out of all of this I’m able to recognize the healing, the greater love I have in my life, BUT, when I snap, its excruciating and its a super battle to come out of it.
This time I didn’t run! WINNING!!! I let Rick comfort me. WINNING!!! Rick asked if I wanted to go see Christmas Lights and that seemed magical to me - super magical - like for a child, the child that I was feeling at that time. WINNING!!! We gathered up blankets, tissues, my coat and just Rick and I went for a drive. I decided I didn’t need my phone, I didn’t want any connection or anything else that would cause tears or cause me to spew. I put my phone on airplane mode for 2 hours. WINNING!!!! Rick and I danced, laughed, talked and enjoyed the snow coming down as we were watching this light show that was like 2 hours long. It was super amazing!!! WINNING!!!! Then I turned my phone back on, well, there were messages, things that brought tears again, but I was calmed down, able to process. WINNING!!!! I made decisions and set boundaries. I recognized my support group. I recognized love - the love that I’ve longed for. I felt SAFE! Safe with myself and safe with those who love me. I accepted hugs from my boys - that’s HUGE!!! WINNING!!!
Lots of emotions ringing in the New Year without my dad, a week that had worn me out, but last night I pushed through my grumpiness and tiredness and my friend and I made our start. We started the progress to achieving our goals. Not without me saying no and not now and maybe tomorrow, but that’s not what it needed to be and dang, it was soooo much fun!!! Got me so excited!
This morning, we now have church at 9 a.m. and last year our church was at 12 and honestly, we barely made it to church on time with it at 12. Sunday’s were our awesome day to sleep in and just relax from life. I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning and thought nope, not yet. Finally around 7:45 I thought I’ll get up and start to get ready. That lasted about 20 minutes and then I was back in bed. I thought what would it hurt to stay home, not really get ready and watch Sacrament on Zoom. I’ve had such a long, hard week. One time won’t hurt. I deserve a down day. I honestly don’t know if I can be around people today. I’ve got nothing to give. I had all kinds of thoughts, but finally at 8:40 a.m. I got up and hurried and got ready. I got out of bed! WINNING!!!
We got to church about 9:05 and missed the opening hymn and got there for the opening prayer. I turned off my phone and told myself, I’m here and I’m going to focus on the Savior. I need everything I can get today to help me with this week. I need to feed my spirit. I had told myself everytime I thought about other things I would go to the Savior - so I did. The testimonies that were shared today, legit, I felt the spirit and the words soooo deeply. I was like yes, I’m not alone, yes, I needed that reminder, yes, I’m writing that down. The spirit in Sacrament Meeting was so strong.
Then I was walking down the hallway and trying to decide which Sunday School class to go to - there’s 2 different teachers / classrooms. I looked down the hallway and saw Suzette Haub - she is a bright light to me. An example of strength and testimony and enduring and I gain so much from her. There she was getting ready to teach in the Relief Society room. I walked in and she walked right up to me and said, “Is it a great day?” and she gave me a hug! I looked at her and said, “Yes it is, because I’m seeing you and you’re teaching.” I meant those words soooo sincerely.
Rick and I sat down and I took in her lesson. Oh my gosh, Come Follow Me. If I would have studied this week I would have known this, but I didn’t. I just didn’t. Moses, going to the mountain, feeling the spirit, direction and then there’s Satan and Moses having to fight him off and then the spirit - that’s how I’ve felt all week. And why do we have these experiences? Why do we go through these things? What can we do to hold onto the strength? The spirit? Keep moving forward with the things we know we can do - that our Heavenly Father has faith in us to do - the greater good. I even commented - I’m not always good at that, but I felt the spirit so strongly. Become like a child - turn to our Heavenly Father and Savior - He loves us - He is LIGHT! He is HOPE! He is LOVE!
So, my lesson today is sometimes the BEST THING WE CAN DO IS GET OUT OF BED! Just take one step at a time. One minute at a time. There is love. There is winning for each and everyone of us. We can do this! We’re in this together!
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity