What does a timeout mean to you?
- Not only teenagers, but parents might be the same way - bedroom or a drive
- Going on a vacation - getting away from the regular day to day life
- Taking a break from someone for an amount of time
- Regrouping - evaluating how things are going and sometimes even a restart
There can be lots of ways we look at a timeout.
I want to backtrack a little bit, take a timeout and explain more about why I blog, why I share. As I was preparing to come home from my full time mission, 4 weeks early, I received a priesthood blessing from the ward mission leader, a dear friend. In the priesthood blessing I was told that there would come a day that I would share my life journey, that I would bless others lives with the experiences I had in my life. I wrote thoughts and feelings from that blessing and tucked them away. This was in February 1995.
Over the years I’ve woken up through the night, had thoughts and feelings come to mind to share, gone to the temple or received priesthood blessings and the thoughts of that blessing have come to mind. I’ve denied these feelings and clarity for many years. Over the last 20 years I’ve volunteered in the schools and been super involved in my boys’ lives. I didn’t have time to think about my past, think about my experiences, share them and quite honestly I didn’t want to share them. There was so much I hadn’t even shared with my husband.
People would ask how Rick and I had such an amazing relationship and boys that served and supported everything we did hours and hours throughout the week. Everyone wanted to know how I had this perfect life. Inside, it wasn’t perfect at all. I was scared. I had great fear. I had zero confidence in myself. There was no way I could be loved or have close friendships. My boys didn’t always want to help, but with my yelling and expectations and telling them what they would do they did it with a smile. That’s what I wanted everyone to see - perfection, having it all together. That’s when I felt I was finally almost enough.
Two years ago December 2019 I started counseling after having pretty much a nervous breakdown. My body, emotions, ME couldn’t hold it together anymore. I was falling apart. I couldn’t carry the weight of all of the trauma by myself anymore. I was willing to be open about starting counseling, but that was about it. As covid hit and as I was going through counseling I was asked to share a video with our Relief Society about mental health. It was a way to connect with the sister’s through covid. I was super nervous and at first was going to be surface, but as I did the video I felt to share more about the real me. I felt it would be good to connect.
There were little things like this experience that started to open up my eyes to sharing and helping others and seeing this priesthood blessing from February 1995 come together. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to share. I’d been private my whole life. I had so much I kept just to myself. What would people think of me? Would people think badly of me? Would I be blamed for what happened to me? I didn’t want to frame anyone or ruin anyone’s lives by sharing my journey. Yes, my abusers did awful things, caused me harm, but I wanted to move forward with my life. I wanted to focus on myself and my healing and healing with my boys and my husband and having real, sincere relationships.
This was a very prayerful process. I actually shared a little bit, or pieces of my counseling with different friends or in smaller situations and the conversations I would have would fill me and I would connect with people in a different way. In a deeper way. I loved the questions I would get and how people would open up to me. It wasn’t focused on the abuse, but so many different topics about self esteem, loving ourselves, building relationships, boundaries, finding confidence and the list went on. It was a downer, but positive and growth.
I finally took the leap, I finally posted and shared my blog. I finally let myself be vulnerable. I decided to be open and honest. I’m no expert. I don’t have anything perfected. I still have super bad days. I shed many tears. I still have to call on those close to me to help me get through tough days. I make mistakes - oh trust me, do I make mistakes. I find myself going back to how I was treated or the patterns that I developed for so many years and I end up not treating people well at times. I hurt people - not intentionally. I’ve been rewiring my brain. I’m like a child that’s learning to roll over, sit up, grab for the toys, take my first steps and so on - I’m discovering things and it’s exciting! I love it!!!
And because I love it and love who I’ve become after 2 years of counseling I’m so excited to share my journey, things I’ve learned, things that happen in my days, things with my boys and Rick and those I love and things I’m learning as I heal and mend relationships and some relationships haven’t been good, toxic, narcissistic that aren’t meant to be healed, but how to move on, let go and heal. That can be super hard and super painful.
If there’s something that I pray and hope for the most in this journey and sharing is to bless others lives. To give a glimpse of hope. To hopefully share something that helps others take one baby step forward. To recognize that they deserve more. That they don’t have to carry pain all by themselves. That there can be a greater happiness, peace and love in their lives, even in times of greatest trials.
This last week I had the opportunity to help someone that I don’t know very well. I’m not giving advice on marriage, divorce or making anyone’s decisions - I’m not capable or qualified to do that. We each have our own journey - our own experiences - our own life story. I was willing to share the things I’ve learned, tools I’ve gained from counseling that are now in my toolbox. I was grateful that she felt comfortable to visit with me. That she didn’t have to feel alone in her journey.
So, today, I wanted to take a timeout and share why I’ve chosen to blog. Why I’m now choosing to do videos. This isn’t easy for me, it’s something I’ve put off for years, but I will say that I’ve found a great love in sharing, in doing these things in hopes of helping someone - even if I help one person. I do this out of great love for myself, for my Heavenly Father and Savior and love for others.
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity