What’s Off With Me Today?

​I’ve wondered if I should write a blog today, if I should really share how I’m feeling today?  As I’m sitting here pondering this thought I thought, yes, share today, be real.  That’s one thing that I’ve felt strongly about, being real.  Soooo, here goes today. . .

Well, let’s start with last night.  Tanner, Rick and I were setting up to play Acquire.  We love playing games at the end of each day.  Acquire is a game that I grew up playing and was one that we’ve loved playing with my dad.  Tanner made a cute comment of “I’m going to do a grandpa move” and he set the tile upside down in a random place on the board.  I laughed and said, “I’ll do the same” and I laid down a tile upside down on the board.  Then as fast as all of this happened I had the thought, “I wonder how dad is doing.”  As soon as that thought crossed my mind, thinking I should reach out to my dad, the thought came just as fast that he’s gone.  I can’t ask him.  Tears filled my eyes - it hit so fast and was such a weird series of thoughts.

I had friends warn me that I would start to get to more normal, as normal as life can get, days.  That I wouldn’t think about losing my dad as often and I would be focused on the daily things.  I was also told that when those thoughts and memories hit it would hit pretty hard and those feelings last night hit pretty hard.

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​As I went to bed last night I was reflecting on my dad, life and just how things have been going lately.  The last couple of weeks have had many highs and lows - some very difficult things - and I feel very tired.  I also know that the Lord has blessed me in so many ways, but sometimes it just gets to me, life just gets to me.

When I woke up this morning I felt off.  I had thoughts of things, an object, a situation that has been hard for me the last 5 - 6 months.  This is something that I fasted in behalf of last Sunday, prayed and got a priesthood blessing to clear my life of this.  Clear my life of the pain and the space its taken in my head.  Gratefully the last 5 days my mind has been so much clearer.  I’ve had so little thoughts and felt so much healing from this object in my life.  Why in the world did I wake up this morning with thoughts of this?  Why was it weighing heavy on my mind?  Gratefully I was able to erase it mostly from my mind, but it just was a weird way to start the day.

Then off to Tanner’s basketball game.  That was fun and great to get out.  I was grateful to just be sitting with Rick and have no interactions with anyone else.  I’ve not been in the mood to interact with anyone today, well, quite honestly for the last several days.  I’ve found myself not looking at texts or messenger nearly as much as I used to.  I guess I needed a breather.  I just have wanted space.

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​Once we got home I worked and Rick worked on cleaning the house.  When we got home we had a long list of things we wanted to get done.  We were like let’s get all of this done and then within a couple of hours we were both like we’re tired, we don’t have the energy for all of this.  That caused me to feel overwhelmed by life, all of the things that we needed to get done, things that are pressing.  

Today also brought a blessing of Brayden and Sarah stopping by this morning and Brayden coming and hanging out with us this afternoon.  That definitely brought some happiness, laughter and love in our home.

There’s lots of good things in our home.  My family is amazing and we’ve  had laughter and great things today in our home.  My home is getting clean and that brings me happiness.  Rick is amazing at taking care of me and our family.  We’ll be playing games tonight.  I’m grateful for my friends. . .soooo, what’s wrong with me???

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​I’ve chatted with a couple of people today and I’ve felt stupid.  I’ve thought to myself, this is why I don’t chat when I’m in these moods.  So, I’ve silenced my messenger and text and praying I don’t say anything else stupid.  In fact, maybe I should just go to bed and forget the day.

None of you have ever had a day like this, have you?  Just one of those off internal days and not really sure why.  Can’t find a way to snap out of it?  Maybe I’m the only one, but I’m guessing I’m not.  Just some days the optimism doesn’t win out. . .no matter how hard we try.

So, Zach comes downstairs and he’s sitting here with me and says, “Mom, I want to spend time with you.”  It’s just him and I at home and here I was thinking I just want my own space, I want to be alone.  So, he’s joined me in watching a new Hallmark Movie and during the commercials he and I are laughing at the commercials and having very random conversations.  I’m grateful he’s willing to meet me where I’m at today.  What a blessing. . .I was writing this blog as Zach came downstairs and I’ve been amazed at how things have started to feel different.  Started to feel a little lighter.  Zach and I have laughed at the craziest things.  It’s not changed the internal heaviness, but it’s getting better, just a little laughter, time with my son who cares and loves me.  It’s the little things.  

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​So, as I’m finishing up this blog I’ve thought to myself, I still feel fragile, I feel like I can’t take on the world, but I feel happier.  I feel like engaging with my son is a safe, happy place and a blessing.  I’m grateful for the little things.  Laughter brings about a different feeling too.  As you face life challenges, tough days, an off day, look for the small blessings, the tiny tender mercies and try to open your heart to those little things.  

As I shared with a friend of mine that Zach was spending time with me and I was trying to soak it in despite how I was feeling she commented that it was a win that I was trying to engage vs shutting him out for how I’m really feeling.  The happiness is contagious and brings hope and hope is what I’m finding tonight.  Little by little, still fragile, but always the blessings.

And, for all of us there might be other factors that play into days like I’ve had today and for me there’s been many changes to medications this week and medical things. . .I need to be kind to myself and recognize the level of difficulty.  Always, take that into account on your rough days too.     

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