On Friday, August 20th I was facing the reality that my dad was going to die. He wasn’t going to pull through. We weren’t going to get the miracle we had all fasted, prayed, hoped and held on to for. This just couldn’t be happening!!! On Thursday, August 19th we each were given the opportunity to go in and spend a few minutes with my dad alone. He wasn’t awake - he hadn’t been conscious since Saturday, August 14th. I went in after Rick and my boys had gone in and I got my hospital mask on, put on the gown and gloves on and went into his room. There was a strong feeling of spirits in the room. I was willing to have a tug-o-war with them - go spirits, go away and leave my dad here. We need him more. I visited with my dad - I felt that I didn’t have to use actual words to talk with my dad and I felt he heard me. He knew I was there. As I left the room I said, “Dad, this isn’t goodbye.” I was holding onto this deep hope that it wasn’t goodbye here on Earth, but that just wasn’t going to be the case. Friday I woke up and I just couldn’t deal with what was happening. I just couldn’t. I’ve been in counseling since December 2019 and have gone pretty much every week since then. It’s been such a blessing and the amount of healing that I’ve experienced has been miraculous, with a ton of work and a whole lot of processing deep pain that I’ve carried for years. It’s been excruciating at times, but been so worth it. One of the greatest challenges I’ve had is the child part of me has really struggled to feel safe, know she’s loved, she has anything of value, isn’t going to be abandoned or left and the list goes on. I was holding onto this deep hope that it wasn’t goodbye here on Earth, but that just wasn’t going to be the case. During the day I can overall manage and be more of an adult and not feel as many of those fears, but due to the things that happened in my childhood at night the afternoon / evenings get super hard. At times the child has come out and it’s been difficult for the adult to even manage the feelings. The child feelings are super real and apply to the current situations in my life. With counseling and lots of daily practices the child has started to feel more safe and less and less episodes in the evenings. With facing the reality of losing my dad the child feelings exploded on that Friday. I found myself screaming and sobbing that I needed my dad. It wasn’t just that I wanted my dad, but that I needed my dad. I felt these feelings sooooo deeply. I was like a child having a temper tantrum that would only be happy if she got her dad. I was sooooo mad!!! These episodes happened a few times throughout the day. It was exhausting and by the evening I just couldn’t handle anything. The boys were gone to baseball and Zach was off with friends. I was home by myself. I decided I’d go take a bath and try to unwind and calm myself down from the day. Another episode came on and I had no control. NONE!!! Rick got home and heard me screaming and came to see if I was alright. He just sat there and let me scream, cry and try to process what was happening. In the meantime Tanner and Brayden had gotten home and they thought I was in my bed screaming so they came upstairs to check on me. Brayden recorded me screaming and I said get out of here, I don’t want to live. Neither Rick nor I remember me saying those things. The problem was I said those things as the boys were starting to walk in my door and they thought I was screaming at them. I screamed he couldn’t leave me, I needed him there - the pain is excruciating. Brayden out of great concern for me came downstairs and called my counselor and let him know what was going on. Once I calmed down I messaged my counselor and told him I was losing it. He was right on it when I messaged him. I didn’t know until later that evening that Brayden had called him. I was grateful for the love and concern for me. I was concerned for myself. The little child is alive and is frequently visiting me during my days and nights right now. She’s scared. She’s feeling super abandoned at the loss of her dad. She’s not feeling any value right now. She just knows everyone will leave her. Why couldn’t her dad stay? The tears come often. The pain is deep and the heart is broken! A pain and insecurity that hasn’t ever been felt like this before. She cries for her daddy every night. Why did he have to go? She needed him here.
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September 16, 2011 my Grandma Brown passed away. I remember really early in the morning my mom calling me and I just knew, I knew that was the call letting me know that Grandma Brown had passed away. From a very young age I remember going to Provo all of the time to be with Grandpa and Grandma Brown. I would spend the weekends at their home. I absolutely loved going with grandma to church and I would work with her in the library at church. I loved helping her do her calling. I loved sleepovers at grandma’s house. She had a cupboard of treats and she was soooo loving. Throughout all of my childhood and teenage years I knew her house was my safe place. I felt so loved. I knew that grandma loved me no matter what. She and I would walk to Carson’s Market place. We celebrated almost every holiday with my grandparents. They were to everything. I spent hours with grandma. She brought pure joy and happiness to my life. My son, Brayden, had a very special bond with her his whole life. When my mom called to let me know grandma passed away I felt sad, talked with my mom, but then was off to take care of things at the school. I remember distinctly being at the school in the afternoon and talking to the principal, who is a great friend, and sharing that my grandma had passed away that morning. I was sad, but things would be fine. I think my friend was surprised by my lack of emotions. As we were planning the funeral I had the school carnival I was in charge of and begged that it be the next day, just not on the carnival day. I needed to follow through with the carnival and all of the things I had going on. My mom was asked to speak, but she was too nervous to speak so she asked if I would speak in her place. My mom and I sat down and wrote the talk together so that I could share my mom’s words at the funeral. I remember being at the funeral and feeling peaceful and overall good to give the talk. I don’t remember mourning for long or even shedding too many tears. My grandma was in a better place, I was busy and honestly my heart was locked in a cage, a cage that I had kept under tight locks for pretty much my whole life. I loved, oh trust me, I loved. I’ve been blessed with friendships, family and people in my life that I cherish. Many I couldn’t imagine not having in my life. I’ve always been known to serve and work hard and put my whole heart into things, well, into things, not people. People would feel my sincere concern, love and support, but not my whole heart. There was a very big piece of me that I kept locked up very tightly and protected. In December 2019 I started counseling after pretty much a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t carry the weight of everything that was inside of me any longer. I started counseling and of course I asked my counselor what was the agenda, how long would this process take and he told me I wasn’t a checklist, to do list, but a person. As I’ve gone through counseling for the last 20 months pretty much every week there has been so much I’ve focused on healing, processing and learning, but one of those things was learning to unlock the protection I’ve had around my heart for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS!!! I would dare say 47 years. As I’ve unlocked my heart I’ve realized how much deeper I could love. I’ve realized how much more I could feel. I’ve realized how many more emotions there are to me. It’s new to me. In reality its new to those close to me - including Rick and my boys. Our relationships have grown much deeper - deeper routes, deeper conversations, more meaningful connections. Sometimes that’s not so easy to process when things have been a certain way for so long. Not only have my family relationships deepened, but relationships, friendships have deepened. There have been those that have become extremely close to me that I love dearly and trust, a trust I didn’t know was even possible. There’s been a safety, a feeling of these are my people, core people. So, in August when my dad got sick and went to the hospital the first time I cried. I cried for hours at the baseball field. I was scared - he had covid and I didn’t want him in the hospital where I might not be able to see him. Then he came home the next day and my mind was at ease, peace. I thought alright he’s on the mend this is good and I went about my life. We had a busy August. AND THEN, he went back to the hospital on Wednesday, but I thought alright this will be like last time, in and out. THEN on Saturday morning my mom asked everyone to gather at her home, we needed to make some decisions. I thought it would be about their 50th or something, but no, it was that dad lost consciousness and we had to make some hard decisions. We made the hard decisions as a family and had hope. We would get the miracle again - dad would be home with us in no time. Then reality set in, his organs were failing, he wasn’t coming home. He wasn’t going to make it. WHAT??????? This cannot be happening. My life might as well have stopped. On Thursday I had the opportunity to spend a few minutes with him alone and as I left his room I told my dad, this isn’t goodbye. I still held onto hope, though it was such a small glimmer of hope. On Sunday we gathered around his bed in the hospital and he passed peacefully. He wasn’t going to make it. WHAT??????? This cannot be happening. My life might as well have stopped. I’ve never cried so many tears in my life. I’ve shut down. I’ve not been able to respond to messages. I’ve not even read the birthday wishes that were sent to me on the day of my dad’s funeral, my birthday. I can hardly leave my home and interact with people. My heart hurts in ways I’ve never experienced in my life. I truly believe I could die from this broken heart I feel. Through this journey I’ve reflected a lot about how I processed and felt through the passing of my Grandma Brown, who I think about every single day of my life and often wish I had her as my safe place still and the passing of my dad. Which way is better? Healthier? I was able to move forward with my life and get things done. I was very productive and I was able to accept she was in a better place, happier, healthier. My heart was caged from the emotions and really connecting to the loss. I was too busy to feel. With my dad, I’ve unlocked my heart, I’ve loved deeper, long for that one more conversation, one more hug, to hear those words “I love you sweetheart”. Though I could be busy, I’ve pretty much stopped my life. I’ve been able to do a few things, but my heart is completely broken. There’s not a day I haven’t cried since he got sick - for hours. I spoke at his funeral and I was strong at first, but then I cried. I cried in front of so many people. Because the other way is so much more familiar to me I’ve longed for that so much. Why did I unlock my heart? Why did I let down my guard and love deeper? Why have I let people in so much closer to me - to who I really am - to what I’ve been through? This hasn’t felt the safest, wisest road. I’ve been angry. I’ve been so mad that I let my guard down. I knew it. Love doesn’t last. Those I love the most will leave. They will be taken away from me. Can I trust love? Should I choose to continue to love with an open heart, with all I am or should I lock my heart back up? I have battled these thoughts every single day since my dad got sick. What is my value in people’s lives if they leave - either through death or day to day life or choose to leave my life specifically? Why would people choose to stay in my life? I don’t have the answer. I know deep down what the answer is - to keep myself open and love deeply, but there are no words to describe the pain right now. My boys would say its the best thing that’s happened in our home so I will keep fighting and working to reprogram, to continue to grow and become better, the better, happier me and hopefully someday I can find some peace in the loss of my dad. Hopefully someday my heart will feel as one again. National Lazy Mom's Day on September 3 this year is observed on the first Friday of September every year. It's your reminder to lend a hand and give your mom a much-deserved break from her daily tasks. Sure Mother's Day is a wonderful day where we celebrate our mothers and shower them with gifts and praise. This morning I woke up around 4:30 a.m. for a few minutes, but then fell back asleep until around 7:00 a.m. After laying in bed for a good hour or so I decided to turn on Pandora and the first song playing was “Visiting Hours” by Ed Sheeran. I was already thinking about my dad and wrestling with so many different feelings about the passing of my dad so this song helped release more of my emotions and I cried. I cried a lot. I decided I wasn’t ready to get up and get ready for the day. I checked my calendar and yep, my day was wide open so yep, it was my time, my time to be lazy, play my game on my phone to try to forget the pain and listen to music. I set a goal to get out of bed by 10:00 a.m., but that time came and went. Then I set a goal for around 11:00 a.m. and that time came and went. My boys came into my room and visited with me. Rick checked on me and we’d laugh and talk and then he’d go back to work. I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and get going. Then I get this picture on our Anderson Family thread that says “National Lazy Mom’s Day” is TODAY!!! One of my sister-in-laws commented that she wished she would have known earlier in the day. Then I shared this with one of my dear friends and she said, “Where are all of the babysitters for our lazy day?” On most days I would have been well into my day and done several things, but today I thought, I’m so glad I lived up to National Lazy Mom’s Day - at least until 1 p.m. Honestly, I needed today. I needed the down time. I needed time to myself in my room, in the comfort of my blankets to cry, laugh and think about my dad. I thought about the funeral that was one week ago today. I thought about driving away from the cemetery and leaving my dad there - I know it was just his body, but it’s his body that was with his spirit here on Earth that we loved so much. It was his touch that gave me a hug. It was his mouth that said “I love you sweetheart.” It was him that walked around the yard and wondered where his tools were - who had borrowed them. It was my dad that sat at the end of the kitchen table doing genealogy and working on things for my parents 50th that’s tomorrow - his excitement was like a little child. I know that there’s a plan, that we’ll see him again, but that seems so far away. I know that he’s with me in spirit, but honestly right now that’s not enough. Call me selfish, whatever it is at this time, but it’s just not enough right now. Even if it’s not for a whole day, I hope that for each one of us as women, we can take time for ourselves, take time to care for ourselves, allow ourselves to be “lazy” for a moment. Everyone warned me that the week after the funeral would be hard, but I didn’t realize how hard. What could be harder than going through the week before your dad dies getting all kinds of hard news, going in the room with your dad for a few minutes and talking to him and thinking this isn’t goodbye dad, keep fighting. Then to find out everything is failing and he’s flatlined a handful of times and it’s time to go in as a family and take your dad off of life support and watch him die. Then you go from the hospital to being with your family and planning your dad’s funeral, going to the mortuary, putting together your dad’s funeral program, seeing your dad in the casket - he’s really gone and closing the casket, speaking at his funeral, going to the cemetery and realizing this is it, this is really goodbye. What could be harder???? Getting through all of that and waking up and facing the real world. Tanner off to school, Brayden off to work, Rick back to work, nothing more to plan for my dad, no more guessing as to whether my dad is going to make it or not, the funeral is over. I think to myself Monday morning can I pinch myself and I’ll wake up from this nightmare? Nope. The nightmare is my life. Definitely a blessing that I’ve got some meetings, doctors appointments, lunch, celebrate Michael’s birthday, my birthday, baseball - yep, there’s things to do. Try to hold strong when out in public and you visit with people. Grateful for their love and support and friendship. Such a blessing. Then on Thursday morning. . .nothing! Nothing on the calendar. Alright, well there’s things to do. The list that’s been growing for the last several weeks that I’ve not had time to do. That makes sense. I pay a couple of bills and then I stare at my screen. I stare at my computer. I can’t. I can’t reach out to others. I can’t send those emails. I look at my dad’s picture and think how unfair that he’s gone. HE’S GONE!!!! It’s not fair!!!! A month ago he just had a cold. A light cold and going to take it easy. What happened???? How did my dad go from a cold to a hospital visit to coming home to going back to the hospital and that was it! Around 1:00 p.m. today I hit a wall!!! I felt so angry! Seriously why couldn’t prayers, blessings, fasting, where’s the miracle - the miracle we all hoped for. WE NEED HIM HERE!!! Why couldn’t the doctors find the answers? Why did my dad have to get covid? He was vaccinated. He was careful. He was doing so much good here on Earth. I had messaged Lindsey and shared with her my anger. She was trying to talk me through my sobbing and anger, but I didn’t care about logic. I had reached out to a “son” from another state to me and asked how he was doing. I was grabbing at straws. I was so grateful when he asked how I was doing and I thought I’d sugar coat things, but I didn’t. THEN, the doorbell rang and someone was at my door. I was sobbing and thought NO, I’m not answering my door. I can’t. Usually Zach will come get the door if I don’t, but Zach wasn’t in his normal spot and he was the only other one home. I sat there - if I’m quiet whoever is at the door they will go away. Then clear as day I heard the words, “Whoever is at the door was sent for you at this time.” WHAT??? Really??? I’m angry, sobbing and a mess I finally got up and went to the door. I opened the door with tears coming down my face and there was a friend that I’ve had many spiritual conversations with. I admire her so much. She teaches Gospel Doctrine in our ward and through the whole process of losing my dad I had thought about one of her lessons that pertained to the eternal plan. I think I surprised her a little bit that I had fresh tears, but she handed me a gift - a gift that was extremely fitting for the very moment we were in. Two boxes of tissues with a card tied on top. How did she know I was running out of tissues in my home and it was what I needed right at that very moment. We got visiting and I found myself opening up to her and sharing the hard, the hell, the spiritual, the tender moments through this journey. There have been a handful of very spiritual experiences and I’ve not really shared them much, but I found myself sharing them with her and she said she got goosebumps and felt the truth of what I was sharing. As I verbalized these experiences I knew they were real too. They were tender mercies for me through an awful, painful, hellish experience. She lost her dad many years ago too and she shared experiences. We visited for about an hour and a half and I found myself sobbing, laughing, smiling, feeling the spirit and being reminded how thin the veil is and how my dad has been in the details of so much - he’s not gone. I also was reminded of my Heavenly Father’s love - that’s what I really needed to be reminded of, because I was super angry. As she and I finished talking one of Brayden’s dear friends from his service mission who has become a son to me and a very important part of our family pulled up and he always brings hope, laughter and happiness to any situation. We visited and he was trying to teach me how to use newer technology and gratefully he was very patient with me, but it did bring laughter. As he went to leave he gave me a hug and I could feel the love of my dad, my Heavenly Father and just knew that Heavenly Father and my dad knew exactly what I needed today. I needed the words, I needed the spiritual reminders, I needed a hug and a reminder of my core, my people Once everything quieted down I went to my computer and I had some special messages from Lindsey and my “son” from another state that I’ve not met and it tied the whole afternoon together. I also called my mom and she and I had a short, good visit and it was great to hear the blessings she has had today and throughout the week to help her get through each day. The loss of my dad is still very painful and still many tears and feelings to sort through, but today reminded me that I’m not alone on this journey. As my “son” from another state said to me today, “Try to process through those feelings and see where they come from and if they don’t come from a good place, then consider letting them go.” And as Lindsey shared with me, “Stupid things in mortality such as disease, others' agency, accidents, trauma and so on, create heartache. Yes, He sees the whole picture, and no, we don't comprehend or fathom it. I do know that when events and people leave our hearts shattered, over time, He will help mend them.” Grateful for the truth that was spoken to my heart today. I needed it desperately and right now I’m taking one second at a time. Until my dad actually passed away I had hope. I hoped even if it was 1% that he would come back, he would give us that miracle. Then the whole next week was focused on the funeral services and it was busy. It didn’t feel real. Viewing, funeral and surrounded by people and family. It’s all a whirlwind and then things slow down. . . Sunday evening we went over to my parent’s home for dinner. We were all visiting, hanging out with everyone around and then I went in the house and sat at the kitchen table. My brother, Scott, came to me and said do you want to play Acquire? Deep down I thought to myself, I’m not ready for that, but then said if mom’s up for it I’m happy to play. This is a game that we’ve played pretty much every Sunday since I was a teenager with my dad and mom. I really can’t think of times I’ve played this game without my dad. The pattern would be each week that we would tell dad that we were ready to play or he would be at the point he was ready to play and he’d get the game and dump the tiles in the box, shake them up and start putting them out on the table. It was the sign that he was ready to play. He always sat in the exact same place - head of the table. Sunday night I sat down in my normal spot, but this time with the box, dumped the tiles into the box and looked over at my dad’s seat and found myself barely able to breath. He’s not there. I’m doing his job. He’ll NEVER play Acquire again with us. I tried hard to not burst into tears, because I wasn’t sure how my mom, brother or others sitting there were feeling. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t contain the tears and sobbing! I SOBBED!!!!! I had chest pains that I was sure was a broken heart, crumbling in pieces. DAD WOULD NEVER PLAY ACQUIRE WITH US AGAIN AND WHAT OTHER NEVERS WERE THERE!!!!! I asked who was going to sit in my dad’s spot - no one could do it. My brother scooted his chair over and halfway sat in my dad’s spot, but it just couldn’t be done. That spot is dad’s forever!!! We played the game and we laughed and little things happened along the way that made us all think about dad and how he played the game. It was good, a good start to healing, but also painful. "I will NEVER get that hug and hear those words again while I’m here on earth." As we were getting close to finishing up the game we got talking about who would email my niece, my dad loved emailing the family missionaries each Sunday who won and who lost the game. We knew that tradition needed to continue on. Another stinger. And then I got thinking oh my gosh at the end of the night, after the game each week my dad would stand up and give me a hug and say, “I love you sweetheart.” Then he would quietly follow us out the back door and he’d wave goodbye. I will NEVER get that hug and hear those words again while I’m here on earth. We hugged my mom and as we walked out the back door it left a huge hole in my heart. I sobbed again. The pain was super real. I just can’t understand. How can things be never??? How can he be gone? One of the things that I’ve worked through over and over in counseling is the never, ever, always, all of the time - the extremes. I’ve realized working through things with counseling that in life pretty much there’s not the extremes and that’s where things can get really difficult if we live in that space. I’ve done so much better and really been able to manage my anxiety and depression with coming more to the middle ground. It’s been a great blessing to heal and work through this, BUT I now had it! I had counseling on Monday morning at 8 a.m. and I told my counselor I have something that is the extreme and is super painful - there’s soooo much that my dad will NEVER be able to do with me again.
My counselor talked through with me to be very careful with that. That would be a very painful way to go through the process of healing and would hold me back and he said, “You won’t be able to do these things with him here on this Earth for now, but you don’t know what’s in store later - its still not never.” |
Cheri HardmanA wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity Archives
April 2022
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