WHAT COULD BE HARDER? ANGER?

Everyone warned me that the week after the funeral would be hard, but I didn’t realize how hard.  What could be harder than going through the week before your dad dies getting all kinds of hard news, going in the room with your dad for a few minutes and talking to him and thinking this isn’t goodbye dad, keep fighting.  Then to find out everything is failing and he’s flatlined a handful of times and it’s time to go in as a family and take your dad off of life support and watch him die.  Then you go from the hospital to being with your family and planning your dad’s funeral, going to the mortuary, putting together your dad’s funeral program, seeing your dad in the casket - he’s really gone and closing the casket, speaking at his funeral, going to the cemetery and realizing this is it, this is really goodbye.  

What could be harder????  Getting through all of that and waking up and facing the real world.  Tanner off to school, Brayden off to work, Rick back to work, nothing more to plan for my dad, no more guessing as to whether my dad is going to make it or not, the funeral is over.  

I think to myself Monday morning can I pinch myself and I’ll wake up from this nightmare?  Nope.  The nightmare is my life.  Definitely a blessing that I’ve got some meetings, doctors appointments, lunch, celebrate Michael’s birthday, my birthday, baseball - yep, there’s things to do.  Try to hold strong when out in public and you visit with people.  Grateful for their love and support and friendship.  Such a blessing.

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Then on Thursday morning. . .nothing!  Nothing on the calendar.  Alright, well there’s things to do.  The list that’s been growing for the last several weeks that I’ve not had time to do.  That makes sense.  I pay a couple of bills and then I stare at my screen.  I stare at my computer.  I can’t.  I can’t reach out to others.  I can’t send those emails.  I look at my dad’s picture and think how unfair that he’s gone.  HE’S GONE!!!!  It’s not fair!!!!  A month ago he just had a cold.  A light cold and going to take it easy.  

What happened????  How did my dad go from a cold to a hospital visit to coming home to going back to the hospital and that was it!

Around 1:00 p.m. today I hit a wall!!!  I felt so angry!  Seriously why couldn’t prayers, blessings, fasting, where’s the miracle - the miracle we all hoped for.  WE NEED HIM HERE!!!  Why couldn’t the doctors find the answers?  Why did my dad have to get covid?  He was vaccinated.  He was careful.  He was doing so much good here on Earth.

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I had messaged Lindsey and shared with her my anger.  She was trying to talk me through my sobbing and anger, but I didn’t care about logic.  I had reached out to a “son” from another state to me and asked how he was doing.  I was grabbing at straws.  I was so grateful when he asked how I was doing and I thought I’d sugar coat things, but I didn’t. 
THEN, the doorbell rang and someone was at my door.  I was sobbing and thought NO, I’m not answering my door.  I can’t.  Usually Zach will come get the door if I don’t, but Zach wasn’t in his normal spot and he was the only other one home.  I sat there - if I’m quiet whoever is at the door they will go away.  Then clear as day I heard the words, “Whoever is at the door was sent for you at this time.”  WHAT???  Really???  I’m angry, sobbing and a mess
I finally got up and went to the door.  I opened the door with tears coming down my face and there was a friend that I’ve had many spiritual conversations with.  I admire her so much.  She teaches Gospel Doctrine in our ward and through the whole process of losing my dad I had thought about one of her lessons that pertained to the eternal plan.  I think I surprised her a little bit that I had fresh tears, but she handed me a gift - a gift that was extremely fitting for the very moment we were in.  Two boxes of tissues with a card tied on top.  How did she know I was running out of tissues in my home and it was what I needed right at that very moment.

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We got visiting and I found myself opening up to her and sharing the hard, the hell, the spiritual, the tender moments through this journey.  There have been a handful of very spiritual experiences and I’ve not really shared them much, but I found myself sharing them with her and she said she got goosebumps and felt the truth of what I was sharing.  As I verbalized these experiences I knew they were real too.  They were tender mercies for me through an awful, painful, hellish experience.  She lost her dad many years ago too and she shared experiences.

We visited for about an hour and a half and I found myself sobbing, laughing, smiling, feeling the spirit and being reminded how thin the veil is and how my dad has been in the details of so much - he’s not gone.  I also was reminded of my Heavenly Father’s love - that’s what I really needed to be reminded of, because I was super angry.

As she and I finished talking one of Brayden’s dear friends from his service mission who has become a son to me and a very important part of our family pulled up and he always brings hope, laughter and happiness to any situation.  We visited and he was trying to teach me how to use newer technology and gratefully he was very patient with me, but it did bring laughter.  As he went to leave he gave me a hug and I could feel the love of my dad, my Heavenly Father and just knew that Heavenly Father and my dad knew exactly what I needed today.  I needed the words, I needed the spiritual reminders, I needed a hug and a reminder of my core, my people

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Once everything quieted down I went to my computer and I had some special messages from Lindsey and my “son” from another state that I’ve not met and it tied the whole afternoon together.  

I also called my mom and she and I had a short, good visit and it was great to hear the blessings she has had today and throughout the week to help her get through each day. 
  
The loss of my dad is still very painful and still many tears and feelings to sort through, but today reminded me that I’m not alone on this journey.  As my “son” from another state said to me today, “Try to process through those feelings and see where they come from and if they don’t come from a good place, then consider letting them go.”

And as Lindsey shared with me, “Stupid things in mortality such as disease, others' agency, accidents, trauma and so on, create heartache. Yes, He sees the whole picture, and no, we don't comprehend or fathom it.  I do know that when events and people leave our hearts shattered, over time, He will help mend them.”  

Grateful for the truth that was spoken to my heart today.  I needed it desperately and right now I’m taking one second at a time.

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