On Friday, August 20th I was facing the reality that my dad was going to die. He wasn’t going to pull through. We weren’t going to get the miracle we had all fasted, prayed, hoped and held on to for. This just couldn’t be happening!!!
On Thursday, August 19th we each were given the opportunity to go in and spend a few minutes with my dad alone. He wasn’t awake - he hadn’t been conscious since Saturday, August 14th. I went in after Rick and my boys had gone in and I got my hospital mask on, put on the gown and gloves on and went into his room. There was a strong feeling of spirits in the room. I was willing to have a tug-o-war with them - go spirits, go away and leave my dad here. We need him more. I visited with my dad - I felt that I didn’t have to use actual words to talk with my dad and I felt he heard me. He knew I was there. As I left the room I said, “Dad, this isn’t goodbye.” I was holding onto this deep hope that it wasn’t goodbye here on Earth, but that just wasn’t going to be the case.
Friday I woke up and I just couldn’t deal with what was happening. I just couldn’t.
I’ve been in counseling since December 2019 and have gone pretty much every week since then. It’s been such a blessing and the amount of healing that I’ve experienced has been miraculous, with a ton of work and a whole lot of processing deep pain that I’ve carried for years. It’s been excruciating at times, but been so worth it. One of the greatest challenges I’ve had is the child part of me has really struggled to feel safe, know she’s loved, she has anything of value, isn’t going to be abandoned or left and the list goes on.
I was holding onto this deep hope that it wasn’t goodbye here on Earth, but that just wasn’t going to be the case.
During the day I can overall manage and be more of an adult and not feel as many of those fears, but due to the things that happened in my childhood at night the afternoon / evenings get super hard. At times the child has come out and it’s been difficult for the adult to even manage the feelings. The child feelings are super real and apply to the current situations in my life. With counseling and lots of daily practices the child has started to feel more safe and less and less episodes in the evenings.
With facing the reality of losing my dad the child feelings exploded on that Friday. I found myself screaming and sobbing that I needed my dad. It wasn’t just that I wanted my dad, but that I needed my dad. I felt these feelings sooooo deeply. I was like a child having a temper tantrum that would only be happy if she got her dad. I was sooooo mad!!! These episodes happened a few times throughout the day. It was exhausting and by the evening I just couldn’t handle anything.
The boys were gone to baseball and Zach was off with friends. I was home by myself. I decided I’d go take a bath and try to unwind and calm myself down from the day. Another episode came on and I had no control. NONE!!! Rick got home and heard me screaming and came to see if I was alright. He just sat there and let me scream, cry and try to process what was happening.
In the meantime Tanner and Brayden had gotten home and they thought I was in my bed screaming so they came upstairs to check on me. Brayden recorded me screaming and I said get out of here, I don’t want to live. Neither Rick nor I remember me saying those things. The problem was I said those things as the boys were starting to walk in my door and they thought I was screaming at them. I screamed he couldn’t leave me, I needed him there - the pain is excruciating.
Brayden out of great concern for me came downstairs and called my counselor and let him know what was going on. Once I calmed down I messaged my counselor and told him I was losing it. He was right on it when I messaged him. I didn’t know until later that evening that Brayden had called him. I was grateful for the love and concern for me. I was concerned for myself.
The little child is alive and is frequently visiting me during my days and nights right now. She’s scared. She’s feeling super abandoned at the loss of her dad. She’s not feeling any value right now. She just knows everyone will leave her. Why couldn’t her dad stay? The tears come often. The pain is deep and the heart is broken! A pain and insecurity that hasn’t ever been felt like this before.
She cries for her daddy every night. Why did he have to go? She needed him here.
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity