As I think through my life to answer the question “Who Am I?” here are answers I would give:
efore reading further I would love to challenge YOU to take a few minutes to jot down “WHO ARE YOU?” You can add to your list as you go, just get started.
We all have many different roles and titles in our lives. It’s a part of who we are - what makes us US and helps define us and feel connected. This can definitely be a healthy thing for all of us.
From a very young age I had roles, titles, responsibilities. These things gave me purpose and direction. All very healthy, but there was also another side to this for me. It helped define who I was while I was hiding the pain and abuse that I had experienced at a very young age and had continued on for many years. I wasn’t sure how to process the abuse and I for sure couldn’t tell anyone for many different reasons so I loved being busy and having purpose. That’s what kept me going.
When I was 7 years old I had 6 other siblings so I was helping my mom and had a role of being her helper. I was also going to school and then as I got into Junior High I had the opportunity to work for my dad and I volunteered with friends at the Scera and different things. I also held many different church callings through my youth. I got to college and was going to school full time, working full time, dating, served on Institute Council, callings in my singles ward and the list went on. Then to mission, to getting home and going right back to work and college, dating, church callings. Marriage, working, starting a family shortly after getting married, callings, managing apartments, starting a business, building a new home and then full time volunteering in the schools for the last 18 years.
It helped define who I was while I was hiding the pain and abuse that I had experienced at a very young age and had continued on for many years.
September 2018 I stepped back from a handful of my commitments. My life as I had known it came to a screeching halt. My top contacts in my phone were all PTA roles. I went from easily 100 emails a day to ZERO. My phone wasn’t ringing. There were no texts waiting for me to answer. My list of things to do each day went from unlimited to ZERO, well, alright, not zero, but went to the household tasks and paying bills and all of the things my boys needed. It didn’t feel like there was anything on that list that was for me, enjoyable, me making progress and an accomplishment. I literally would wake up in the morning and think to myself what’s my purpose. I would stay in bed thinking I don’t really have anything to do with my life. Honestly, the relationships right in front of me just didn’t feel like enough.
It was a very difficult time for me. I kept thinking I need to redefine my life. I need to find purpose. I was looking at going back to college, other committees - looking outside of my home and definitely looking past taking time for myself. There was no way I could slow down enough to look within - that was way too painful!!!
In 2019 enough things happened that happened that the only place I could look was WITHIN! I was realizing that it was time to take care of myself and start the healing and learning to love myself. I was also realizing that I needed to take a deeper look within the walls of my home and with my husband and my own boys. Right where I was determined to not look was right where the heart of “WHO AM I” was.
I am a Child of God. I am loved. I am enough. I am valuable. I can be happy with myself. I can have healthy, safe, close relationships. Who I am isn’t determined by what I succeed or fail at. My ultimate value is not measured by my accomplishments, to do lists or what others can see. I am enough for my boys. My boys are enough for me. My husband and I can have a close relationship without a million tasks to do.
Think about this. . .you’re identity will be tied to whatever you give your heart to. What are you giving your heart to?
If your identity is tied to a task or being a coach for a team or your profession or a position in the community. . .whatever it may be when there is failure or loss it could devastate you.
What have you allowed to define you?
Something or someone will have first place in your heart. . .is it being a Child of God or a love for yourself? There is great healing in finding love within yourself.
This is one of my favorite clips from the Movie “Overcomer”
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 1 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity