I woke up this morning with a question repeating over and over in my mind. . .where is my power?
As I pondered this question I thought, I don’t like power. I’ve had too many that had power over me, authority that caused me to feel weak and not able to break out of so many abusive situations. I thought I don’t want power.
Alright, so if its not power then what is it that I need within myself? As I asked myself this question I thought I need strength, that’s what its taken to face the abuse, work through things and to work on myself to become the person I’ve come to love over the last year and a half.
So, then I asked myself this morning, where is my strength? Who holds the strength for myself?
Over the last year and a half of counseling I started out super weak. I had been super strong pretty much all of my life. I kept the pain deep inside, the experiences were under lock and key and no one knew my whole journey, except for me, not even my husband. I lived a life of perfection. A life of accomplishing much and whatever I did I made sure it was done correct and well. I served in the community and my family was very involved. I felt that I could live my whole life this way - I could keep the dark secrets hidden and live this great life and no one would know.
That’s not the case. Eventually my health, stresses of life, too much all at once came crashing in. I had no strength anymore. I was super weak. I had nothing. Not my health, not my emotional health, no trust, spirituality was struggling - I was completely worn out and I didn’t know where to turn.
I started counseling and I had decided its time to just dump. I was ready to just face it all and get moving on with my life. I didn’t realize how hard that would be. I didn’t realize there would be nights that I wouldn’t get sleep, because of the nightmares. I didn’t realize the changes that would come within my home and my marriage. Who did I trust? Where did I find my strength?
I kept the pain deep inside, the experiences were under lock and key and no one knew my whole journey, except for me, not even my husband.
The Lord blessed me with a stranger, an unknown friend to come into my life. There was a trust built. Alright, there’s my strength. This person that I found myself trusting. I was safe. They would bring the strength into my life, because I was sure I didn’t have it within me. How could I believe that it was within myself, with all of the abuse and issues from that I didn’t really have a belief in myself.
That friendship has continued on, but about 5 months into that friendship they moved on with their life. They were still there, but the dynamics had changed and I was scared that my strength had been taken away. It was an extremely difficult time for me.
Through this transition the Lord blessed me with an eternal friend - a family that will always be an eternal family to me. Has blessed my life to be a grandma and brings me ultimate joy. This friend, sister, is there for me daily at any moment. She is a great strength to me, but she has seen the wisdom in being there for me, but helping me seek to see the strength in myself. Sometimes its not what I want to be told - I need others to be my strength - I just know that I don’t have the internal strength - that’s what I’ve been told. That means I’ve got to dig deep and love myself - do I love myself?
Just under a year ago a very special person came into my life. It all had to come as a blessing from the Lord, because my nature and where I was at in life would not have brought this person into my life. This friend made me laugh all of the time. I would be uptight, stressed, not want to part with stuff, feel overwhelmed and they would lighten the situation. Helped me relax. Relax in a way that I didn’t think was possible. Not only did this friend make me laugh and relax, but would challenge me. I’m one that doesn’t take risks. I feel like I’m barely managing all that I have going on in my life, but for some reason this friend would say hey give this a try or come on you can do this and they way they believed in me I would give it a try. Not only have I tried lots of new things and stepped out of my comfort zone, but I’ve found that’s a better way in life. I’ve wanted to continue to do some of those things. I’ve become a better person. This friend has a special bond with my family and has blessed each one of our lives. We laugh, starburst fights, is loving and believes in me.
Through this last year and a half journey I’ve been able to find strength. I’ve done a lot of healing. I’ve trusted and felt safe. I’ve let people in closer. I’ve come to love so much deeper. My heart is uncaged and open to feel. There has been a freeing feeling through all of this journey. So much more happiness. It’s felt so worth all of the hard times, the excruciating pain and healing that I’ve gone through.
AND THEN. . .my dad got sick. My dad died. He left me. There was nothing I could do to keep him here. As a family, the doctors, everyone did all they could and he left. He died. The pain that has been felt in my body, in my heart has been something I’ve never experienced in my whole life. There were many times that I pleaded with Heavenly Father and said I would go through all of the abuse I went through for years and years again to keep my dad here. Whatever it took - the pain of losing my dad was the worst thing EVER!!!!
I lost my strength. I lost the progress I had made over that year and a half. I had been abandoned. I didn’t have value. There is no way I could be loved. I screamed. The child was lost. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I’ve been sure I could die of a broken heart. My anchor - gone! Why didn’t Heavenly Father see what I needed? Did my dad know how much I loved him? Honestly, over the last month I’ve lost the desire to fight for all that I had gained over the last year and a half in counseling. Why did I even try to get better - it was gone in a split second? I’ve not felt safe. Everyone will leave. I’m not worth staying for.
Just as I thought things couldn’t get worse - the tears have flowed hours every single day - it did. This dear friend who lightened my load, made me laugh, believed in me was starting to leave my life. The uncertainty due to some circumstances was a killer. REALLY???? Here was another proof that I wasn’t worth anything. Why did I ever trust that people could love me and stay in my life? Who’s next? Get in line and keep knocking me down and I give up the fight.
Wednesday night I was in shambles. I honestly didn’t know if I could breathe. Rick and I had a great visit and I cried and he was amazing and loving and understanding. Around 12:30 a.m. Rick gave me a priesthood blessing. In the blessing I was told that Heavenly Father knows everything I’m going through. I was told to pour out my heart to my Heavenly Father - share everything. I’ve resisted that lately - I don’t even know what to pray for anymore. I just want my dad back!!!!
Yesterday I couldn’t - I had nothing left. I thought alright, here it goes. I turned everything off and I prayed. I said it all. I cried a lot. I wasn’t happy - in reality I was mad. Really mad. Why??? Why send people into my life so they can leave? Where can I turn for strength?
I woke up this morning and that question. . .where is my power? No, where is my strength? It’s within myself. People can love me, they can be my friends, they can make me laugh, lighten my load, but no matter the loss I’ve got strength. I’m strong. I’ve done a lot of really hard things in my life and different people have been in my life over the years. I pray those I love so much will stay, will be a part of my life to help the journey be better, but no matter what happens I have the STRENGTH for myself with a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who haven’t left me. They’ve not forgotten me. They do know me.
Though the pain is DEEP!!! The tears flow on a regular basis and I have so much to learn and so much more growth to go there isn’t anyone that can take away my strength. No one!
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity