Somedays I Just Can’t

​There’s been several things that have happened over the last few weeks that have made it super clear that I needed to start writing the book that I’ve felt I need to do for a very long time.  I got excited about it, but then. . .there was this block.  I just felt that there was no way I could share anything of value.  I started doubting myself.  Of course, that’s not hard to do, I’ve doubted myself my whole life.  Yesterday I tried to write, but it just didn’t come.

One of the things that is a point of massive frustration in our home is cleaning.  I’ve worked at doing better in our home with many things and things have gotten so much better, but cleaning, ya, it’s a super hot point for me.  It’s something deep in me and honestly I’m not sure why I can’t bring myself down on the cliff with this one.  Someday I’ll share more about this, but yesterday I asked Rick to work with the boys and get things cleaned up - it worked overall, but just that feeling of frustration was still deep inside of me.  

I’m one that is terrified to try new hobbies or develop new talents.  I’m so scared of failing.  There are things I’m good at and I feel confident to do, but developing or trying new things is something that I’ve been really good at holding myself back on.  I’m super good at reminding myself that I’m not capable of doing many things. Those words are deeply planted in me.  I’ve decided I want to do a garden this year.  My dad always had a garden and he brought us up gardening and for some reason this year I’m wanting to do a garden so bad - maybe a connection with my dad?  A good friend of mine who is super good at gardening had said he would come over and help us figure out how to get started.  He came over last night.  It was a great visit, got a plan in place and I was feeling excited. . .until he went to leave and I thought to myself I’m going to fail.  I’ve always killed plants.  This is a lot and I don’t know if my family will support me on this.  If it’s just me then I don’t feel capable.  And honestly in our home if it’s not tied to baseball then it doesn’t really get the attention.  I started thinking this is just not possible.

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​As a family things have been slower for quite awhile and it’s been super nice, but with Ultimate Frisbee, baseball, end of school year, work, work, household stuff and the list goes on life has gotten super busy.  It has felt very overwhelming in a way.  Love it all, but when life gets busy communication goes downhill and I don’t do well with poor communication.  Last night there were some things that Rick and I miscommunicated about and with all of my other thoughts going on things didn’t really go well with us trying to talk through things.  Really, there wasn’t much of an effort - he was busy and I was busy and we were both tired.  This was a trigger for me of do I know how to really have close, healthy relationships.  I’ve often thought I’d be so much better off living on my own and keeping to myself.  The programming I’ve had in my life from abuse and belief’s about myself are super deep and I just feel a burden, too much and I just don’t know how to stay in healthy, safe, happy, trusting places.  

With all of these thoughts swirling in my mind, plus many others, by the time I got in bed I was super depressed.  I felt that I was a failure in life.  I can’t make anything of myself.  I don’t know how to have healthy relationships.  The swirling of thoughts was super powerful.  In the dark of my room, Rick sleeping and me laying there thinking about all of my failures and how I just don’t know how to get better I thought to myself is this a time to give up.  I’m not finding ways to make more of myself.  I’m turning 50 in just a few months and I’ve not accomplished any of the goals I set for myself.  I’m fighting with all my might and so many amazing things have happened through counseling and healing, but the patterns of my life and the beliefs I’ve had are super hard to overcome.  SUPER HARD!!!!  Gratefully I had taken my medications and I fell asleep and didn’t continue to feed the thoughts of giving up.     

I really hoped that I could wake up this morning and feel better, but. . .I’m super good at being destructive to myself and last night I chose to not put on my oxygen.  I didn’t want oxygen.  I’m tired of it!!!  I’ve had it for 3 months now and I didn’t want it last night.  So, I woke up groggy and with a nice headache.  Without my oxygen my brain doesn’t do well.  I laid there in bed and thought I just can’t!  I don’t want to press through today!  I was sure I could mind read everyone and knew exactly how many people that I care about feel about me and that helped my mood a lot.  I found myself wanting to mute my phone for the day and just disconnect.  I don’t want any additional reminders of my failures or things that I need to or should be doing.  I don’t want to work at relationships today.  Honestly, I could stay in a hole today and be very content.

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​Then I thought alright the power of the mind.  I don’t want more negative today.  I need to pray.  I need to count my blessings.  I need to remind myself of the tools that I’ve been taught over the last couple of years.  I need to stop mind reading.  I need to get up and get ready for the day.  I need to look at the good.  I need to look at how far I’ve come.  I need to have the conversations so that I feel better and just clear the air.  The list went on of the things I NEED to do to have a better day, but I didn’t WANT to do any of those things.  Well, that’s a winner!!!  Way to go Cheri!  Not willing to apply all of these things to turn your day around and find happiness, peace, hope, opportunities and overall the possibility of making it a good day.  That sounds like a great plan???

That just helps feed the failure and destruction.  The thing is, there’s just days I CAN’T!!!  There are days that I can’t fight the fight!!!  There are days I’m just super tired!  There are days I just want to hide in a hole and allow myself to feel the feelings.  In reality the feelings come down to sadness, scared, am I enough, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone - the abuse feelings - the feelings that I should be under the table and if I’m lucky fed some crumbs. That’s all I’m worth at times.  It’s super hard to reprogram these belief’s after so many years. . .like 40 years.  

Of course, I was told positive things over those years, but the negative words and actions and how I was treated far outweigh and stick with me every single day!!!  Abuse is AWFUL!!!!  Over the last few weeks I’ve finally felt some anger about what I went through.  Until then I felt sorry for those that harmed me.  I could see their life story and felt bad for them.  They didn’t know better at the time.  I could justify why they did what they did to me.  BUT, not anymore.  I’m fighting a battle that is super painful, has taken a toll on my life every single day, has caused me to almost take my life several times, to give up, to destroy friendships that have sincerely mattered to me, to turn away love and peace, have had to work at rebuilding relationships with my boys. . .the list goes on.  I’m grateful that the buck stops with me and that there has been so much healing and love rebuilt, but somedays I JUST CAN’T!

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​So, it’s 11:30 a.m. and I muted everything!  I turned off Facebook, turned off messenger, muted my phone and have complete silence in my home.  I’m ready for the day - that’s a rule, I can’t leave my room until I’m ready for the day - something engrained deep inside of me from my abuse - I’m ugly until I have my makeup and hair done and then maybe there’s some beauty in me somewhere.  Instead of working first thing this morning I decided I would write this blog.  I decided that I would be open and honest and hopefully help someone else with their journey.  If I can bless and help others through this ugly journey of healing from abuse then I will feel like I’ve done something good.  

I’m a smiler and I laugh a lot.  I appear to have so much together in my life.  For most people I look like the world is in my hands and I can do everything and anything.  Over the years I’ve had so many people say they wished they could be like me.  They want to learn from me on how I do it all and have it all together.  Well, I’m good at pretending.  I’m good at putting on a face.  I’m good at hiding all of my emotions and feelings and the black that fills the inside of me often.  I don’t have it all together, in fact, very often I don’t feel like I have anything together and I just take life one step at at time.  One minute at a time.  I pray a lot.  I have to face anxiety to leave my home and be with people.  I’m terrified to put myself out there.  BUT, I’m working on myself little by little and I’m working at counting my wins.  There are wins every single day. . .sometimes I don’t even recognize them all, but they are there.  Even that I’m still here and got up and got ready for the day - those are wins!!!

I took my medications this morning. . .beats not doing my oxygen last night - that’s a win!  I’m choosing to eat and work at getting rid of the headache - that’s a win!  I chose to write this blog and share - that’s a win!  I’m not sure how today will go, but what I do know is I’d rather press forward and keep fighting this battle, allowing myself to have bad moments, be tired, accept that some days I just can’t for the WINS!!!  There are a lot of them and I love my WINS!!! 

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