RESIGNATION?

Have you ever resigned from something?  Submitted a resignation?  What does resignation mean to you? 

From a young age I liked to be involved.  I liked to be in charge, be in leadership and put big events together.  I always found a way to pull things off.  There was no way things weren’t going to happen and I liked to go big.  Over the years I’ve had friends and family that pitched in to help make the visions I had happen.  Quitting, giving up or settling for less wasn’t even in my vocabulary.

Throughout my boy’s lives I’ve been the same way and have committed to many things over the last 23 years.  Once again, it’s been family and friends that stepped up and helped make things happen.  I’ve always said that I’ve been blessed by having great people around me so I can’t take the credit for the things that have happened

---

​As I’ve shared in previous blogs, September 2018 was a big turning point for me.  I made the decision to resign from some positions that I loved and been involved with for years.  I found myself saying then and even over the last couple of years that I had never resigned from anything and the first time I had resigned from anything.  

This morning I had a situation that has been on my mind for quite awhile.  It’s a situation I’ve struggled with for awhile and I found myself saying to myself, “I’ve got to resign myself to accept the facts and take the emotion out of it.  I need to accept the inevitable.”

As I thought about this I found myself recognizing that I’ve resigned a lot of things in my life.  In fact 2 years ago wasn’t my first resignation.  It actually was the beginning of acknowledging my feelings and truly doing what was best for me.  

---

In fact 2 years ago wasn’t my first resignation.  It actually was the beginning of acknowledging my feelings and truly doing what was best for me.

So, 2 years ago I applied the first definition, but throughout my life the second definition has been a part of my life.  Due to the abuse at an early age and over the years there were many patterns and beliefs in my life that I accepted that were undesirable, but I felt were inevitable.

These are some of the things that I had resigned myself to at an early age and believed until this year and honestly I’m still working on.  As my counselor has said, I’m sincerely rewiring my brain after all of these years of a specific belief system.

• Anyone that comes into my life will eventually leave 
• Perfection was the only way to possibly be loved
• I’m not enough and can’t be enough despite how hard I try
• What is love?  Can’t love deeply - I’m not loveable
• Don’t have value in people’s lives 
• If I controlled everything I could be safe 
• Overanalyzing everything due to knowing that I make mistakes with all I do - what can I do and be better? 
• All or nothing - no middle ground
• Become too much so I define things and pull away when I feel I’ve been too much
• Since people won’t stay in my life I create conflict for there to be a reason for things to end - more in my control
• Emotions are weak
• No crying is allowed and if tears do come then they need to be in private - sign of weakness
• Seeking reassurance in hopes of feeling of value, but the value didn’t come
• If I gave enough of myself or of things that I could become enough in people’s lives - I could buy love
• Allow myself to be open will scare people away - if people learned too much about me there was no way they would want to stay in my life
• Lived in should’ve, could’ve, would’ve world - I could have changed the outcomes of loss
• Dumb, Crazy, Stupid and Sorry were my top 4 words - if I apologized enough maybe I could make things right for people to stay
• The only way to have value in myself is in tasks / to do lists - accomplishing projects - no value in me if I’m still 

These are just some of the things that I had resigned myself to believe.  There are many more things that have had to work through.  It’s a pretty long list of resignation. 

​I’m so grateful for the things that happened this morning that caused me to pause and really think about resignation.  I’m grateful the situation this morning turned out better than I thought and I didn’t have to resign to accept something that would cause me to be very sad.

So, I ask the question again?  Have you ever resigned?  Have you ever submitted a resignation - especially to yourself?

The resignation I submitted 2 years ago was very painful and honestly still hurts, but the resignation that’s hurt the most are the ones I accepted for myself for all of these years.  The undesirable that was inevitable is not the inevitable and I don’t have to accept the undesirable.  I’m grateful I’m not accepting my own resignation anymore - I’m worth much more than that. 

---