February 2018: I was making decisions for the upcoming school year involving PTA. I had been involved in many different aspects for years, like 15 years. I had figured I would just keep going - I was enjoying all that I was doing. Deep down I had a feeling that I wasn’t making the right decision, but just figured I was just tired and I would get my energy back.
May 2018: I wasn’t feeling happy. I felt that some of the stronger friendships that I had built over the years were weakening. I was becoming quieter and just trying to keep peace. Deep down I felt that I wasn’t listening to promptings. I chose to simplify a few of my positions so that I could have more time for whatever those promptings were leading me to.
July 2018: Things were getting difficult. Honestly, beyond difficult. I was feeling alone and not feeling very connected with very many people that I had been serving with. People were starting to be able to tell that there was some conflict and I was uneasy with that. Went on a family vacation and had promised my boys that I would take a 3 day break from PTA, but that didn’t happen. My boys were very unhappy with me and I was feeling very torn. I wanted to help pull things off and make things happen and I wanted to spend time with my family and circumstances didn’t make that possible.
*Note the progression of change in my countenance over time
August 2018: I was loving the connections, getting excited about school starting and working with the schools and those in our district. I was thinking this is what I needed. Things would get better. On my birthday, August 27th, I had an experience that helped me see that I was making the wrong decisions. That it was time to take a deeper look, but I didn’t look deep enough at that time.
September 2018: I like to describe this September as a ball of yarn that had been cut in many different places and it was unraveling faster than I could keep it together and there were so many knots and problems with the ball of yarn. I literally had never had many of the experiences I had in September in my life. I was crying a lot and feeling very lost. Very disconnected in all aspects of my life. I spent time visiting with my boys and asking what they felt needed to happen for our family, for me. They each individually gave me the same answer and it rang true to my spirit.
September 21, 2018: Lunchtime I had a friend come over and she didn’t know all that was going on. She visited with me and many of the things she shared filled in the holes that I needed to know what I had to do. It was truly the HARDEST THING I had done in my life. After she left I knelt in prayer and I sobbed. I poured out my heart and pleaded with the Lord to help me. As I finally said the words that I didn’t ever want to say I had a peace come over me that I had not felt in a very long time. I stopped crying, stood up and knew what I needed to do. There was no question.
Honestly I felt so lost - what was my purpose, what do I do with myself.
Saturday, September 22nd, 2018: I submitted my letter of resignation. For the first time EVER I quit something I had committed to. My whole life, even when things went wrong or got really difficult or my health was crashing, I never quit. I was willing to sacrifice everything for the commitments I had made. I typed the resignation and hit send and the amount of peace I felt was something I hadn’t felt for years. I knew the Lord had different plans for me. It was also a very difficult time, because everything I had known for years and so many of the people I interacted with daily were gone. I didn’t have many of the connections left in my life. Honestly I felt so lost - what was my purpose, what do I do with myself.
Monday, October 8th, 2018: Michael returned home from his mission after being gone for 2 years. It was a very exciting time.
Between many surgeries in my family, other medical things going on and other commitments I was still doing in the PTA and SCC I was managing, but still felt very lost. I had a lot of extra time on my hands.
2019: Michael got married, Brayden left on a mission, had health struggles and ended up coming home 3 months later. There are many details to this year that were causing me to struggle.
November 2019: Due to many things that had happened and a lot of time on my hands over the last couple of years I was realizing how much I had buried deep inside for YEARS. As Brayden went through his difficult experiences and prepared to come home from his mission I hit a point that I couldn’t go on. It wasn’t because of him, but through many different things the right people were brought into my life that helped me make a decision to start counseling.
End of December 2019: Started counseling weekly with my counselor and currently still going to counseling every single week.
2020: Due to being a very humble, child-like place as I started my counseling my heart and life was more open to learning, having people in my life and the Lord guiding me step by step. Counseling has been EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. Things that I’ve carried with me since a young child and some things I’ve never shared with a single person until this year. The Lord has blessed me with the right people in my life at the right times. Honestly, I would have never guessed who would come into my life and the kind of love I would have for those in my life. Feelings I’ve never had in my life. There were holes in my life, feelings of loss and the Lord blessed me with people in my life that filled those holes.
Through the first few months of counseling I was trying to balance many things that I was involved with and healing through my counseling and some weeks I would turn to task / to do list mode and wouldn’t connect with my feelings in a way that was helpful to my healing. I was having a hard time merging the life I’ve lived for over 40 years and healing and changing the way I thought.
In March Covid 19 caused much of our lives to shut down. My life came to a complete halt. The things that I was doing were helping me find balance in the two worlds and that I was trying to merge. At the beginning of Covid 19 all of a sudden the 5 - 6 hours I had each day on my own, doing things on my own, being in the schools was gone. I had all of my family home. They were all struggling in their own ways. I was very overwhelmed.
The blessing during this time was that all of my family started seeing the same counselor I was going to. As a family we were all able to work through our own things and then come together and heal as a family.
The individual relationships in our home are amazing. As a family there is much more love and unity. We are all able to share our real feelings. We are able to be true to ourselves and the world doesn’t have to be perfect - none of us are.
After over 40 years of living a certain way the Lord has led me down this path. I’ve been so busy for years to slow down and take a deeper look at myself. I refused to take the many locks off of the dark closet in my life to look at the skeletons that were affecting me deeply.
Two years ago the Lord knew that I needed to step back, slow down, take a deeper look at myself and start removing the locks off of my closet. He knew that it was going to take time for me to come around to counseling and really opening myself up to real, sincere healing. I have no doubt that each of these steps, the people in my life, the hard things that have happened over the last couple of years were what I needed to get to this point.
As I’ve joked for years, I’m pretty stubborn and sometimes I don’t listen very well to promptings. Sometimes the Lord will give me small promptings, I don’t listen - it’s like I’m in a tree hanging out and then I’m hanging on tight and then hanging down on a branch and digging in my fingernails, holding on by my toes thinking I know what I can and want to do and really what I feel strong enough to do and sometimes the Lord will come along and cut down the branch and I hit my head hard, but over and over I see the Lord’s hand in guiding me when that happens to so many greater things and people.
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 1 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity