Jealous of the Angels
Yesterday was HARD! Like REALLY HARD!!! Every single time I said the word “DAD” I cried. If I saw a picture of him I cried. The thought of not having anymore pictures of my dad with us broke my heart. The thought that his voice was fading in my memory hurt!!!
I got up yesterday morning and went to physical therapy and faced the reality that my body has gone backwards a lot. Having 2 doctors tell me I’m in a constant panic attack state made me worried for myself. How am I going to get control of myself? How am I going to face the reality that my dad is gone and be alright with that? I keep thinking my dad is going to come back. He’s going to be there. I’m going to have more conversations with him. I’m going to hug him again here on Earth and hear him say, “I love you sweetheart.” How in the world can I face the truth that these things won’t happen again?
I tried to write my dad a letter yesterday. I tried. It didn’t work. I sobbed. I wanted to share with him my feelings face to face. I didn’t want to write something that I couldn’t really tell him. That came to an end.
Last night around midnight I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t calm down. I asked Rick for a priesthood blessing. Rick and I visited and I shared so many thoughts with him before the priesthood blessing. Through the priesthood blessing the spirit was felt so strongly and I sobbed. I wanted to believe the things that were shared, but oh the pain, could that move out of the way so I could feel the things that were said. Is it possible to feel peace and accept my dad is gone all at the same time?
This weekend is a baseball tournament and we were leaving Thursday to go out of town. For me Heaven on Earth is Logan / Bear Lake and that’s where the tournament is. Yesterday we decided to take one extra day and get away and relax and hope to clear our minds.
TODAY - TODAY is 1 month since my dad passed away. It’s been the hardest month of my life. The worst month of my life. I’d go through anything, anything - I’d go through all of the hell I went through in my childhood and teenage years to have my dad back. It’s not supposed to be like this. It can’t be like this, BUT IT IS!
In my priesthood blessing last night I was told there would be angels on Earth that would chat, message, come and see me right when I needed them. I would know they were there for me. This morning a friend I’ve not chatted with for awhile chatted with me today. He wrote something about the Lord helping me as I was writing to him about how the Lord would help him. We sent out chats and I felt the spirit so strong. I knew he was an angel in my life right when I needed him. It helped me look at today differently. He’s always come into my life, messaged, said the right things - he’s very in tune and such a blessing.
I went and got blood work done and the lady who drew my blood was so kind. It was like I just felt happy for the first time in a long time. Then I went over to my mom’s and it was just she and I. Just my mom and I - that doesn’t happen hardly ever and we had a great visit. It was another, just what I needed.
Then we packed up and headed to Logan. A most beautiful place. A place that my dad taught me to love so much. So many fond memories of Logan and Bear Lake growing up. As we drove into Logan I just felt peace. My heart rate finally came down. I was laughing and we’ve had so much fun together. It’s been everything I needed. It’s a day, the first day I’ve not sobbed in a long time. The tears have come tonight as I’ve written this and reflected on this last month, but with a different peace. That somehow, someway I’ll get through this. I’ll be alright. I’ll feel my dad with me. I’m not sure how, I’m not sure when the tears will stop, when the heartache will calm down and when I’ll feel whole again, honestly maybe not, but I’ll be alright. I am surrounded by love here on Earth and with Angels on the other side.
"I’m jealous of the angels - those you’re with. Why can’t you be here with us? "
I’m jealous of the angels - those you’re with. Why can’t you be here with us? It’s been a month. Dad, how have you been gone for a month? When are you going to walk back in the door? Sit in your chair? Kick your feet up on another chair and visit with us? When are you going to give me another hug? There will be a day. . .I don’t know when, but there will be a day we will be together again and until then I’ll have to hold onto the little pieces of peace that come.
I love you dad! One month down and so many more to go. . .
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A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity