Over the last year I’ve had a dear friend that would say to me when I was struggling or scared to try something new, “I’ve got you.” Those words would pierce my heart and it was like yep, these words are true and I’m safe to face my fears or try something new. I’ve always been so grateful when this friend would say these words to me - they are magic and mean a lot to me. It was like that safety net that I needed to keep spreading my wings to fly and grow.
Over the last several weeks I’ve been more closed down and close relationships haven’t been my strength. I’ve been super scared to love and be close to people for the fear of loss again. Who else am I going to lose in my life? I lost my dad when I needed him here so badly. There’s definitely been some dents put into some of my closer relationships over the last month and its hurt even more.
The double bind over the last few weeks is when I’ve really needed to hear those words the most, “I’ve got you”, I haven’t. It’s one of those friendships that have taken a hit over the last several weeks and it hurts, hurts terribly bad.
Yesterday I had a few meetings, counseling, Zach’s car accident, baseball, Tanner’s piano and the list went on. None of it was bad and for the normal Cheri that would be nothing, but for the broken Cheri right now it was a lot, in reality, too much. Today I had a couple of other meetings and other commitments and then I looked at the rest of my week and will be starting to work again and have many things on my calendar the rest of the week. I also knew I wasn’t feeling well so I checked my vitals - heart rate: 124, oxygen: 84, glucose: 146. Yep, I needed to slow the flow.
I knew I didn’t have it in me to do all of these things so this morning I decided to clear my schedule. Today was a ME DAY! I don’t think I’ve EVER done that before, but today was a new start for ME. The feeling I kept having was to BE STILL. My anxiety has been through the roof and emotions, well, I’m not sure when the tears are going to stop. My brain, ya, it’s not slowed down - its on overload with the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve and what could I have done better, changed so I wasn’t in this situation?
After figuring out vehicles today I ended up with my dad’s truck. I miss him so much. I kept thinking go to the cemetery. GO!!!! Say a prayer before you go and go. So, I gathered tissues, water bottle, sunglasses and keys and headed to the truck. I literally ran my hands over the steering wheel thinking my dad’s hands touched this steering wheel so many times and it meant he was working so hard.
As I drove home I found myself saying out loud “I’ve got you Cheri!”
I turned on “Visiting Hours” by Ed Sheeran as I drove over to the cemetery. It was time for my visiting hour with my dad. I know his spirit’s not there, but as I know my dad, his body, is there. I wanted to be close to him.
I walked over to where he’s buried and I cried. I was speaking out loud, why dad, why did you have to go. I need you here. I want a hug. I want to hear the words I love you from you. This isn’t fair. After a little bit I went to the truck and I felt to play the song that we were singing as a family when he passed away. I Feel My Savior’s Love by the Tabernacle Choir. I rolled down the window facing where he’s buried and played the song. I felt my Savior’s love, I felt my dad’s love - not the way I want it, but I felt his love.
As I drove home I found myself saying out loud “I’ve got you Cheri!” At first I thought I was saying that to myself. I was trying to show confidence in myself. That I’ve got myself. I need that confidence in myself, I struggle to feel confident in myself. Then a thought became clear as day came to me, “I’ve got you too.” My Heavenly Father, Savior and MY DAD have got me. “I’ve got you Cheri!” I’m not alone. I’ve got the greatest strength in my life on my team, with me, carrying me, loving me and helping me get through this hell that I’m experiencing right now.
As I drove home I felt levels of peace coming - level by level that I’d get through this. I’ve got the tools, I’ve got my team.
The timing was perfect for me to pick up Tanner and go to lunch with him. He had just gotten out of Seminary and he read a scripture to me about take comfort and he shared how it’s been hard to find comfort with the loss of grandpa.
We had an amazing lunch together! Completely focused on one another, sharing feelings, crying together. “I’ve got you Tanner!” I love you! Love your mom!
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity