Each of us have 24 hours in a day. We each have things that we have to do, need to do and want to do in those 24 hours. We also have those surprises that we didn’t schedule that pop up - sometimes in behalf of others and sometimes by our own doing. We hear it often said I’m a morning person or a late night person. For many of us we hit tired or we need a nap or struggle to stay focused in the afternoon.
From a very early age I found that I liked being busy. I would get involved with whatever I could, volunteer for things, liked to get good grades so I focused on homework, went to my church activities, would hang out with friends when I had time and started working from a young age. I followed this pattern through my teenage years and even into college. I didn’t have many down hours and I liked it that way.
When I got into college I had the opportunity to serve on Institute Council, worked and did college full time. Got my Associates Degree and many other credits before leaving on my mission. Busy on the mission, return home, college, work, singles ward callings, marriage, work, college, children, managed apartments, owned a business, did many home businesses, many church callings and started volunteering in the schools as soon as my oldest was in kindergarten and have spent 17 years extremely busy involved in the schools and district - an average of 40 hours a week for those 17 years. Add my boys activities and hobbies and Rick’s coaching and this all equates to a life that meant I was busy and burning the candle at both ends of the candle - often would get 3 - 4 hours of sleep a night and no time to slow down during the day.
A couple of years ago I made changes to slow down my life. It was a real struggle. I now had time to sit and face some of my reality. Face myself. I hadn’t really faced myself for over 30 years. The real me. I knew the me that was busy, a perfectionist, accomplished everything I committed to and being out in the community. I had the family that volunteered with everything that I did. They were happy, polite and willing to help. Our family sure looked like we had it all together. I knew the me that had it all together.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. There was a series of events that happened from the end of September 2018 - November 2020 that led me to counseling (in the previous post). I was finding that I would do well in the mornings, afternoons a little tired and worn out, but could still push through, but around 2:00 - 3:00 p.m. each day I would really struggle. I would lose confidence, I would get scared, insecure and fear that people would leave my life. It was very consuming and very paralyzing. It was like I was a different person.
Then I reflected back on the past years and there was always a joke that I shouldn’t text, email or take calls in the evening, because I would usually create a mess. I wasn’t at my best.
Through counseling the evenings became much worse. I started to realize that the little girl / teenage girl that had been through the many years of abuse was coming out. It was all of the feelings that I felt all of those really hard years, but I hadn’t acknowledged them because of how busy I had been for so many years. There were many things that would happen afternoon, evening and night that were tied to the abuse that created much pain.
This little girl was coming out each day. I didn’t even have to look at the clock to know what time it was as I would go into these feelings. Over the last 11 months of counseling I’ve embraced this bully. My counselor talked about answering the door, welcoming the bully in and letting the bully be a part of my day. He asked me to keep track of how I felt and what I was doing throughout each evening.
It was very interesting to see as I embraced the bully instead of getting mad and trying to push these feelings away I became stronger. I started to realize this little girl wanted comfort, wanted to heal and wanted to know she was worth healing and safe.
It was very interesting to see as I embraced the bully instead of getting mad and trying to push these feelings away I became stronger.
I definitely don’t have it perfected and am still working at it every single day. Somedays I do much better than others. I’m so grateful for my husband, my boys, a couple of very dear friends who have been there and helped me through these very difficult times and not given up on me. They’ve loved me, shown patience and walked me through these feelings and anger.
I’m finding it is so important to acknowledge the time in each of our days and think about what we do with our time each day. Is there time in your day to take care of yourself? Are you so busy that you don’t have time to acknowledge feelings that are deep within you? Are you running like I did for so many years?
Take time to write. Take time to share. Take time for yourself. Take time to trust and love. It’s worth the fight. It’s worth the struggle. It’s worth the peace and happiness that you can find in your life when being true to yourself.
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity