I woke up this morning around 6:00 a.m. thinking about my dad. That’s not abnormal, but I found myself thinking about him alot more and feeling emotional and missing him terribly. I found myself reflecting on August and finding out he was really sick, in the hospital, home, back in the hospital and then gone. I thought about the fasting, prayers, faith, priesthood blessings and all things we could possibly do to save my dad and it didn’t work. I was pondering why, why couldn’t all of that saved him this time? It saved him last time. Last time it seemed like greater odds against him making it and he made it. He made it miraculously! He defied all odds.
Then my thoughts led to what’s the date today? It’s November 7th. November 7th. No wonder I’m thinking about him soooo much! November 7th, 2011 was one of the most life changing days in my life. I remember the details from that day like they happened today. Getting the boys off to school, resting for a minute before I got going for the day, it was around 7:30 a.m. and my phone rang. It was my sister who lived with my parents. She was calling to let me know that dad had a cardiac arrest, he wasn’t breathing, they had rushed him to the hospital.
I couldn’t believe what I had just heard!!!! What???? I just saw dad last night and he was fine. He was working on Bishop Storehouse stuff getting ready for the Thanksgiving rush. We had been over there for Sunday dinner and I had a long, tiring weekend and was a little grumpy and didn’t want to play Acquire with my parents and left without a hug and with more of an attitude.
NOOOOO!!!! My dad couldn’t go. He couldn’t die. I got up and hurried and showered to run over to the hospital. I found myself walking around my house numbly saying perfect faith. If only I had perfect faith he would make it. He would be healed. But, I couldn’t have any doubt. I needed that perfect faith for a miracle.
We got to the hospital and the priesthood holders in the family gathered around and gave him a priesthood blessing as he lay there barely hanging on. They were going to freeze my dad to stop any additional damage. Each day we would spend 12 hours at the hospital just waiting for anything. Any hope.
A few days after my dad’s cardiac arrest I had it come clearly to me that I didn’t need perfect faith. I just needed a little bit, a tiny mustard seed of faith was sufficient and it was alright to be scared, sad, nervous and all the feelings that come with the possibility of losing my dad.
We witnessed many miracles and despite all of the brain damage and the hopelessness of the doctors and all of the tests my dad came home on November 30th. Legit - a walking miracle. A talking miracle. We had him back. Still lots of healing to go, but by January he was back to the temple, storehouse and his life.
Fast forward almost 10 years later, August 2021. My dad gets covid. He’s having a hard time breathing. He’s getting weak. He’s now got pneumonia. A blood clot in his lung. He’s talking and being his normal grumpy patient and doesn’t want to eat. He wants to be home, not in the hospital.
AND THEN, the dreaded message. We need to meet over at my mom’s and make some decisions. We didn’t know what the meeting was about, but once we got there and saw the living will and mom and just the feeling. . .dad was bad off. He’d lost consciousness. Do we intubate him. What can we do? Fast, pray, priesthood blessings - everything we know to do and of course, the miracles will come. We’ve witnessed this before. Dad can do this. We can keep him here. Dad knows we need him here. That lesson on faith from 10 years ago. . .I just need to have faith.
NOPE! No, it wasn’t meant to be. Not this time. Dad was leaving us. As I had a few minutes alone with him on the Thursday, August 19th I could feel the spirits in the room. I told them to leave and leave my dad here with us. I was willing to have a tug-o-war for my dad to stay here. It was like I could communicate with my dad through my thoughts. I didn’t have to use words. He was laying there unconscious and his body was failing. His human body was failing. Not his spirit. His spirit was strong - I knew that
Sunday, August 22nd my dad passed away. The miracles didn’t come the way I had hoped. The way we all hoped. We did all the same things. Why not this time?
I know there have been many miracles, but this journey has been super hard. It’s looked so different than 10 years ago today.
Back to this morning. . .tears came as I pondered all of these things and then we add that Zach is being ordained an Elder today. My dad has never missed an ordination for my boys. He’s been to every important thing for my boys. He’s been a part of their spiritual journey. My dad has had an amazing spiritual impact on my boys - their testimonies have been blessed by my dad. Why can’t he be here? Why can’t my dad be standing in the circle for Zach today?
"Why can’t my dad be standing in the circle for Zach today?"
As I pondered all of these things I heard the words, there’s no coincidence that Zach is being ordained an Elder today on the day 10 years ago my dad had his cardiac arrest. This was meant to be. My dad will be standing in the circle. Not the way I want it. Not the way I would have envisioned this day, but it’s the way it’s supposed to be. My dad being on the other side helped guide Zach’s footsteps to this place - that Zach is being ordained an Elder today and going through the temple on Tuesday. Yes, this is exactly how everything is meant to be and my dad’s not missing out on anything. He’s all an integral part of all of this.
I love you dad! I miss you terribly! I’m so grateful for the miracles you’ve blessed me and my family with throughout our lives, including today. Thank you dad. I know you’re here this week for all of these amazing things happening in our lives.
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity