One of the most important things I’ve learned in counseling over the last 12 months to have sincere, real healing is to be honest with myself.
What does that mean? For most, you might say, “Of course I’m honest with myself.”
Well, are you?
When I started counseling my counselor would ask me questions and I’d think about it for a few seconds and then give the answer that made the most sense in the situation or the answer that was the most logical. Of course it was the truth, but it might have been the 3rd, 4th or 6th thought that came to mind. That’s being honest with myself, right?
I was making progress, but deep down I knew I wasn’t taking advantage of the opportunity to sincerely heal. The answers I was giving were the answers I had trained myself to give throughout my whole life and I could find truth in those answers, just maybe not complete truth. They weren’t bad answers, but I wasn’t being completely honest with myself.
As I pondered this over the first few months of counseling I decided that I had nothing to lose, in fact I thought I might have more to gain by giving the very first answer that came to mind no matter what. I felt that the first answer was probably the most honest answer and it didn’t have to make sense. It was my subconscious releasing things and it was time to change what I had been doing for my whole life, saying what everyone wanted to hear or what was the most logical. It was time to be true to myself.
Over the next few weeks I gave it a try. I wouldn’t ponder, sort through my responses - I would just answer. As I would do that I found myself really feeling things vs things being matter of fact or logical. I found that I was really connecting to who I was, what I felt and emotions that I had tucked away for years. This is when I started really making real progress.
One thing that I had struggled with when we would go back to my childhood was all I wanted to do was throw away the little girl. I felt bitter. She was messing up my adult life. I had moved on and I didn’t want the childlike feelings and those childlike feelings were becoming strong in my life.
I found that I was really connecting to who I was, what I felt and emotions that I had tucked away for years.
We would talk a lot about when I felt loved. One day we were talking about this in counseling and my counselor was describing a situation that most everyone would say of course I felt loved, there’s really no other answer that most people would say. I found myself pondering what I should say. Rick was sitting next to me and I kept thinking the right answer is. . .and I ended up just blurting out, “I felt like a burden.” Rick, my counselor and myself were all stunned by the answer.
I didn’t know anything about the specific details of this generalized situation for my life. I went to my mom and asked her if she would share with me about this time in my life. I hadn’t told her about my counseling session. I just wanted to gather information to see if my first answer made sense. As she and I visited she shared with me about this time and it made sense why I felt that way.
As I’ve learned to go with my first thought, not sort through the possibilities, I’ve learned to truly connect with myself in a way that I’ve never connected before. I feel emotions and recognize who I am more than I ever have. This has proven to be beneficial not only in my counseling, but in life overall. I’m grateful that I’ve learned to be honest with myself. It’s truly blessed my life!!!!
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 1 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity