Normally when I’m in this state of mind I choose to not write or blog, because my feelings are super raw right now and often I feel it’s best for me to not share when I’m in this state of mind. The thing is I can write when my feelings are raw when there’s pain or sadness or loss, but anger, that’s a whole different ball game. I don’t really know how to handle anger. I don’t get angry very often. I’ve not even felt much anger towards my past abusers, because I’ve felt bad for them and what they’ve gone through in their lives. I’ve also thought, well, my life has been messed up, but I don’t want to mess up their lives. There’s only need for one life to be messed up and I’m strong enough to push through and change things. I’m confident that someday I’ll be better - I am getting better.
Tonight, no, tonight, I’m ANGRY!!!! Earlier today I was with a couple of friends and something in the conversation caused me to reflect on another friendship and all of a sudden I felt a punch to the gut. I felt sick to my stomach and felt so much anger towards someone in my life. I thought to myself why am I so stupid? Why am I so dumb? Why would I think that I matter to this person? I started reflecting on a whole bunch of things and interactions and thought, seriously Cheri why are you doing this? Why are you begging for this friendship? I thought to myself, if I didn’t make the effort in this friendship there wouldn’t be anything and here I thought this was a good friendship. I’ve spent my life begging and trying to be enough for friendships, wanting to know that I matter to people and here I’m doing this again. This breaks my heart to realize this again. These stupid patterns in my life. I honestly sit here shaking my head at myself thinking when will I stop being so dumb?
As I’ve thought about these feelings and questions today and tonight I’ve thought to myself about a chalkboard or even one of those sidewalk chalk drawings that are so amazing!!! So often I have these friendships, relationships, that are being drawn. There are so many details put into the drawing. It’s becoming a very beautiful picture. Of course, there’s been errors and things that have needed to be adjusted or changed a little bit here or there, but no one can really see the errors, because of the beauty of the overall picture. So many details, experiences, tender times together, opportunities to serve, laughter, memories created. . .what more could you ask for? It feels like ultimate happiness. AND THEN, you realize, no, this isn’t true. It’s not the beautiful picture you thought was being drawn. In fact, the other person wasn’t drawing this type of beautiful picture. They were watching you draw it and led you on. Let you think they were a part of the beautiful drawing, but they weren’t. In fact they didn’t really care about the beautiful picture at all. They just let you believe.
This breaks my heart! I hate this so much! How do I get to this point so often in my life? To think that there’s a beautiful picture being drawn together in a friendship, but no it’s just me making up the story in my mind. I saw the colors and magic and had a vision. . .and then BAM, here’s the real story. The colors turn to black and ugliness and pain. All I want to do is take the eraser, one of those big erasers and pound it, pound it soooo hard and throw it at the picture. I want to erase it all. I don’t want to see any sign of the beautiful picture ever again. I don’t want any of the color left. I want it gone!!! I just want ugly black asphalt or the chalkboard. In fact, I could just throw away the whole chalkboard or the space that the picture was drawn. I don’t want any memory of it at all. It’s just another reminder of how dumb and stupid I am. It’s a reminder that I thought for a short time that I could matter, that I could be important to someone. What was I thinking? I was creating reasons to be important. I was hoping that somehow I’d create a feeling that I mattered to this person, that I mattered to anyone. I hate this!!! I hate that I’m reminded that I created the feeling of mattering and that I didn’t really. I long for this feeling all of the time. This is why I keep my distance. This is why I’ve not let people close to me for most of my life. I get too excited at any sign that I matter to someone and I grab hold and cling on for dear life just praying that I’ll find a way to convince people that I matter, that I have value, that I have something to give, something that they want in their lives. How foolish am I? Foolish. Super foolish. Maybe someday I’ll remember this and not care, not hope to be cared for.
Want to know why I’m ANGRY tonight? I’m angry at my abusers that I feel this way. That I feel I don’t have value. I’m angry that I can’t trust people. I’m angry that I grab hold of any little hope of someone caring about me and hang on for dear life. That I forget that it’s me holding on for dear life and the other person is trying to get rid of me like a leach. They are shaking me off and I’m not getting it. I’m a slow learner, because I want love and people to care about me so bad. I want people to want me in their lives as much as I want them in my life. I long for this so much and so any kind of little hope I’m like I’m in and then my heart gets stomped on again and again.
When will I learn??? When? I pray soon. I pray that I will have more clarity earlier and not cling on for dear life for friendships that just end up hurting me. I pray that someday I’ll get this. I pray that someday I’ll matter.
Until then I’ll keep taking the chalkboard eraser and pounding the heck out of the beautiful pictures that I hope are being created. I hope that someday the beautiful picture will stay and not wash away.
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity