Well, this week. . .I don’t really have words for this last week. Usually I can make a list of things that have triggered me or the problems that has caused me to be off during the week, but really this last week has felt like one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a very long time and I believe it’s because there’s so much that’s not tangible. Of course, there’s been things like two of my boys’ cars breaking down on the same day, baseball stuff that’s enough to drive me crazy and make me angry, things being off with my oxygen that caused a really bad headache for a day, but really the majority of the stress has been emotional.
I’ve had many nightmares. Intense nightmares. Not only have I had nightmares, but I’ve had flashbacks and daily emotional struggles. I’ve felt the weight of abandonment tenderness, me being dumb and stupid, not feeling important, rejection and the list goes on. The amount of tears and fear this last week has been crippling. As a dear friend of mine calls it, it’s been many tsunami’s this week. I’ve been blasted with water and couldn’t breath or keep my footing. Honestly, it’s been a very long time since I’ve felt that I just couldn’t go on and this last week the feelings of wanting to escape myself have been intense. There are not even words to describe the intensity.
Last night I decided that I needed to fast - do a very sincere, fast today with Fast Sunday. I always fast, but usually fast a little differently being diabetic and lots of medications that I have to take in the morning. I usually need to eat something small. Today I decided I wouldn’t take my meds until after church and I wouldn’t have any food to tie me over. I needed the Lord’s help in intense ways - to match the intensity that I had felt all week.
I also felt in my heart to fast for a handful of dear people in my life. I felt to share my testimony with them and my love for them. I took the opportunity to do that this morning and I felt so much peace. During the Sacrament I felt so much love. The testimonies were strengthening, but really the spirit spoke with me differently and I gained some clarity into myself and some past experiences. I felt prompted to take some actions today that weren’t easy, but I told the Lord that I’d act as I felt prompted to act.
Following church I had the opportunity to sit and visit with a dear friend of mine for about 40 minutes. The spirit was so strong. I look up to her. I gain so much strength from her and what she’s going through and learning and she shared her gratitude for the things I shared. The spirit was so strong and I felt so grateful for the conversation she and I were able to have. It strengthened my testimony.
As we returned home from church I turned on peaceful, church music and asked the Lord to guide me today. I wanted to feel His love and sort through the strong promptings and feelings I was having. The clarity that I’ve sought and gained today - I needed to sort through things and figure out how to apply those things in my life. How do I remember these miraculous feelings I’ve experienced today when things get hard, set backs, etc
As I was listening to the music a song came on and a very specific experience came to mind as I listened to this song. This song is Cleanse You by Calee Reed.
In December 2019 I started counseling and it was super hard. I had decided that if I was going to do counseling I was going to go in fully committed. This was it! I was going to heal and make life changes. I couldn’t carry the weight of so many things by myself anymore. So much I hadn’t shared with anyone.
Brayden had come home from his mission after being out 3 months to the day. He was struggling. Rick was going to work, the boys were going to school and I was trying to sort through how to help Brayden when he wouldn’t really open up. It was a super difficult time and I honestly felt super alone. It was my life that was being turned upside down in so many different ways. Honestly, at that time I was alone in my journey, because I didn’t know how to share and there was so much healing that needed to happen in our home.
I was sent a very special angel in my life in a very surprising way. Never in a million years would I have guessed how this angel would come into my life and the role they would play in my life to this day. I’ve never met this angel in person, but the love that I feel for this person is super deep and there’s no denying the Lord’s hand in the details.
Anyways, in March 2020 things were changing. Lots of things were changing, including covid. This dear friend who had become a great support to me and helped me look at things differently, had such a great spirit and testimony and had helped me turn to my Heavenly Father and Savior was changing things in their life. Their schedule was changing. Where they were living was changing. I was terrified. With change in people’s lives people leave my life. I’ve always had such a firm belief in that. That I’m not important enough to others that when they make changes I drop off their important list. It’s like this top 10 list and I’m always #10 on anyone’s list and as soon as they make a change or add one other person or thing I’m automatically gone. The pain with this belief is super deep and strong. The pain gets to the point of anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns and pain that feels like a heart attack. I get hyper focused that these things are going to happen for sure and as I’ve learned over the years I’m so afraid that at times I’ve created and made sure what I thought would happen, would happen. I don’t know how to handle this pain.
So, the date comes of making these big changes. This friend does everything they can to help me know that I won’t be forgotten. That they would still be there, just living in a different place and doing different things. It’s going to be around 24 hours before I hear back from this friend as they are moving. As we said goodbye I knelt in prayer and pleaded with the Lord to help me find peace. I turned on music and this song came on - Cleanse Me.
Here’s the lyrics to this song:
The waves come high
My ship is sinking
And I'm thinking of letting go
The waters deep
And I am gasping
Struggling to hear you, Lord
Captain of my soul
Why did you lead me here to this uncharted sea?
Did you bring me here just to drown me?
"What if I didn't bring you here to drown you but to cleanse you?", He whispers.
And "What if you chose to breathe me in?
Let this wash you clean a-gain," He whispers.
He whispers, "I know the waters deep but if you only knew it isn't meant to drown you,"
He whispers. "But to cleanse you.”
The sun sets low
My faith is failing
And I'm sailing deep into the night
The fog rolls in and I am searching
Trying in vain again to find Your guiding light
Yes, I felt like letting go. I was gasping literally with pain. I didn’t know how I could hear the Lord when I was so sure how things were going to turn out. As I listened to this song that day I felt an immense amount of peace. He didn’t lead me to have this angel in my life just for me to drown. He led me to this dear friend and this opportunity for growth to cleanse me, to heal me. My Heavenly Father wanted me to understand my worth and that I have value and that there are angels brought into my life for a long time, possibly for eternity and that I could heal. I could trust. I could be safe.
I felt so much peace that day and knew that the Lord was in the details and things would work out. I wish I could say that from that day on things went smoothly and I had all the confidence in the world, but I didn’t and things didn’t go smoothly. In fact, many ups and downs, but sooooo much growth and that dear angel friend is still in my life. It took me a long time to grasp that this friend wasn’t going anywhere and to look at this friendship in a healthy, safe light, but I can say that this friendship is eternal.
Today as I pondered this last week and the depths of despair I felt I can say that I honestly thought I would drown. I honestly wondered if I could possibly keep my head above water. The pain has been intense. The destruction that I’ve felt I needed to create to be in my own world and put walls up has been very real.
But, today, as I turned all I have and am over to the Lord and listened to this song I was reminded so clearly that the Lord is aware of me and all details in my life. I’m blessed with amazing angels in my life that stay through the tsunamis. They don’t give up on me. They are there holding a towel out for me to dry off and often holding me down to the ground so I don’t blow away with destruction.
So often the Lord cleanses us to show us a greater way. Greater opportunities. Greater growth. Greater love. Greater healing. We don’t have to drown even when at times in our lives we feel we are gasping for air. This song is super fitting for me, because I’m terrified of water. The thought of being in water, gasping, feeling like I’m going to drown is super real for me. I’ve also found great peace with water and it’s one of my favorite sounds. The Lord can help us. We can be cleansed for so much greater in our lives.
A wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity