Here’s a confession that many might not believe about me, but those who were my friends in High School can vouch for this. . .I used to have a very bad problem with swearing. My swearing was a habit and it was a very frequent habit. I swore for years. Sometime during my Senior year I decided that I didn’t want to swear anymore. Of course, I tried it in a very casual way, but that didn’t work. I found myself slipping up a lot. I would go back and forth in my efforts. When I would get mad or frustrated the vocabulary grew. I also thought it was cool to swear - so many swore in school and at times, different groups of friends would swear. Then I got to the point that I was serious about this so I told my friends that if I swore the first one that pointed out that I had said a swear word would get a nickel. I carried around rolls of nickels and I was going broke, but it caused me to pause and think about it. Eventually I got to the point that I wasn’t swearing as often and then eventually I wasn’t swearing anymore. Once I broke the habit I didn’t want to go back and I became pretty extreme on the other side of not saying any words that could even resemble swearing. I had not sworn for soooo long that most people have a hard time believing that I swear at all or ever did. Fast forward. . .the other day I was in my counseling session and we were talking about some struggles that I’m going through right now. Last week I really hit a wall and I could hear all of the old voices talking to me reminding me that I’m a burden, no one could like me, I’m stupid, dumb and the list goes on. I cried a lot last week. I was super depressed. I couldn’t even put into words how much I was struggling. I was sure those closest to me were leaving my life and there was no way they could want me around, because I’m just super stupid to think I have any value. There was a point last week that I had one of my out of body, pressure mounting, anxiety taking over, voices loud and clear that I was worth nothing and a darkness, a darkness that felt so heavy that I wanted to escape myself. I felt that the only option was to end my life. I’ve had these feelings a few times over the last few years as I’ve been working through many difficult things, but I’ve gotten much better. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one of these deep dark episodes. I tried super hard to talk myself through with the tools I’ve learned from counseling and I was able to get myself to the point of walking downstairs and asking Rick for a priesthood blessing. I really don’t remember anything from the blessing, but what I do remember is that I could hold on, the darkness lifted and that I could find a way to live with myself. This was a huge win!!! I didn’t run. I didn’t attempt to end things. I was able to muster up enough reason and logic to come to Rick As I was in counseling on Monday and we were talking about these experiences from last week and then some other personal challenges that were beating me down hardcore we talked about my intrapersonal relationship. What conversations am I having with myself? What is my self talk? What do I believe deeply within myself about myself? Where’s my value? Well, for over 40 years my intrapersonal conversations haven’t been good. I’ve played over and over in my head the things that were said to me through the abusive relationships. I wasn’t enough. If I did this, then this, but then when I did this it wasn’t enough so then there were greater punishments - pain in many different ways. More abuse, because I didn’t measure up. And then eventually, no matter how hard I tried, thinking this was the only way I would be loved they would leave. Abandonment Tenderness is super real in me. I so wanted to be enough, because with abuse abusers tell you that if you tell anyone they won’t believe you and there will be harm to them and they won’t love me - I’m used up garbage. In some of my situations there was more than me, another girl, and that was punishment to me, because I wasn’t doing my part. I was failing them. If I did more. If I did things precisely this way then I could get them back. Due to the abuse starting at a very young age I didn’t have a way to understand that some of these things weren’t truth and then the abuse went on for years. I know this can be hard to understand if you’ve not been in abusive relationships, but it’s real, these feelings run super deep, like right in your bloodstream. It’s what keeps your heart beating. I’m sharing a very small part of this part of my life in this blog, but these conversations and belief about myself were me, were my heart. Then I get living my life. . .having children, volunteering in the community, etc and it sure appears I’ve got my life all together. I’ve got this thing down called perfection. I would not fail even if that meant at the sacrifice of everything I had. I would keep so busy that I didn’t have time to face my reality, the pain that runs deep in me. Every single time I conducted a meeting, pulled off projects, events, etc I would beat the crap out of myself. I would lose sleep and even be super sick before things, knowing that I had to perform up to perfection. There couldn’t be any glitches. After anything, even if it was completely successful, I would sit and write down everything that I did wrong, could have been better, every single criticism that came from anyone and the list would go on. I would commit to doing and being better the next time. I wouldn’t celebrate the successes, because there wasn’t success in my book, it was failure if there was anything that had to be improved. Some of my favorite terms for myself are: I’m stupid, I’m dumb, why am I so dumb, I’m a burden, I’m too much, they are going to leave my life, I screwed up again, I’m so sorry. I always made promises to be better, do better and to not be myself like that again. I couldn’t be me, because that was a sorry state. A failure. I’ve not trusted myself. My assignment on Monday from counseling was to focus on my intrapersonal relationship. How do I talk to myself? What is my personal relationship with myself? This is a very hard assignment. I have to change the dialogue I have with myself, the things that have been familiar for over 40 years. I want to change that dialogue and I have been. Honestly, I’ve been doing really well, except for when I mess up, swing into my little girl in the afternoons / evenings. I was messaging a very dear friend of mine on Monday telling them about my challenge this week. I said, “With counseling I’m focusing on my intrapersonal relationship. Focusing on self compassion for myself and building confidence within myself. The things I tell myself. When I was a teenager and decided to break my swearing habit I carried a roll or actually lots of rolls of nickels around with me and every time I swore whoever first heard me I paid a nickel to. I seriously went through lots of rolls in a day. It was a super bad habit. Today I had the thought maybe I need to do this with you, Rick and another friend with calling myself dumb, stupid, idiot, a burden, etc. I’m afraid I might go broke again though - lol. I’m excited to focus on this, because I feel that this is going to help my confidence, amount I worry and insecurity, peace and overall happiness.” I’ve not actually gotten nickels, but I’ve shared this with the 3 people as a joke, and I’ve been very self conscious about this and I’m on day 3 of working on this. I’ve not called myself dumb, stupid, idiot, etc. I’ve gotten close and been scared and apologized and been a little worried, but I’ve held strong. I’ve got such an AMAZING support group of friends who are there with me step by step through this journey and showing me so much love and support. It’s exciting!!! I’ve got a journey. I’ve got a long jagged, up and down, broken road to travel, but I’m traveling it and I’m making progress. I’m making great progress. I can say that I’ve come to understand the love I can have for myself. I’m seeing my value. I love who I’m becoming. I love the happiness and peace that I’m finding in my life. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Little by little I’m getting better and it’s worth the journey.
1 Comment
11/9/2022 05:16:34 pm
Fire new several gun effect. Do tree behavior arrive production stage edge. Reduce concern ball course every scene.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Cheri HardmanA wife and mother of 4 boys and 2 daughter-in-law, I have spent my entire adult life devoted to my family. I have been busy in their schools, supporting them in all of their school work, sporting events, activities, etc. I spent years heavily involved in the PTA, church callings, etc Life for me has always been overwhelmingly busy. While I thought this was my sanity, the truth is it masked issues - real issues - that I needed to work on to gain true sanity. I am sharing my story in this blog. I do this so that I might be able to help other women find their true sanity Archives
April 2022
|